does anyone else relate that they themselves are what’s standing between now and recovery?
In 2020 I was involved in a collision with a drunk driver that left me with 19 fractures and endless internal and mental health issues. I was disgnosed with ptsd very early on due to the 2 months I spent in hospital and the horrific flashbacks I would get from that time but earlier this year everything started to crash down again and I fell into a depressive pit like no other. Flashbacks worsened and to say I hate my life is an understatement. I am so so angry at what’s happened to me and spend so much time dreaming about how my life ‘should’ be. I am reluctant to accept that I am now disabled and the sheer thought of it makes me ball my eyes out. I hate the memories and I hate the way they make me feel. It’s a horrible feeling because I have no hatred for anyone else or the disabled community itself but I really hate myself and how disabled I am to put it blankly. The flashbacks and ptsd symptoms only make this worse and each episode makes me feel worse than before as I get sucked back into that hospital room where I ‘lost my life’.
My psychiatrist has prescribed me multiple antidepressants and anti anxiety medications and it does take the edge off but it doesn’t stop how I feel. I feel completely depressed when I think about who I am now and what that horrible person has done to me. My psychiatrist always says that I am the only person that can fix this and that it’s my mindset that needs correcting so I don’t feel so repulsed by myself. I just don’t physically think that is possible. That involves accepting what has happened and I feel that is never going to happen. Every single day without fail I wake up and just realised this nightmare is not over and that I am still physically disabled and it destroys me. How am I going to swallow the pill of what’s happened when I feel like it is too big to ever digest. I know I’m bringing myself down but I can’t help it and don’t ever see this changing. Any thoughts?
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emha22
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hi. I am so very sorry for what you have experienced. How awful! I'm grappling with some of these same thoughts. One of the things I've learned is to ask the little girl in me what she needs. She's been hurt and ttherefore needs extra TLC while she heals.
I'm wondering if maybe you blame yourself a bit for what happened? Maybe you feel you deserved it in some way? I still do for mine (albeit not nearly as much anymore, thank goodness) and that is what is making my progress more difficult. That's the only thought I can come up with.
that concept of asking your younger self is so sweet thank you for sharing. I think that’s one of my biggest issues, I feel so so sad for my younger self. I look back on that time I was in hospital with 4 broken limbs and it hurts my soul to think about that poor little girl laying there so numb to what was going on around her. I feel so disconnected from her but also I know full well that it was me and I experienced all of that, my psychiatrist says it is normal to feel like this which is good.
In terms of feeling responsible, I’m lucky to have known that it is not my fault whatsoever and I couldn’t have stopped what happened which is helpful in a weird way. I do however feel responsible for letting this consume my life but I will try from now on just some general thoughts of compassion for that poor broken girl and hopefully that will help me get over some of those bad thoughts. Thank you again I appreciate your kind words !
you're welcome! I am so glad that you know it's not your fault! My abuser made out to be my fault, which for someone not strong enough to not believe it feels so much like psychological murder. This is why I brought it up; I'm so glad to know that's not the case for you!! Fortunately, I am starting to realize that it has to do with her and not me.
it feels good to know that what we feel is normal, doesn’t it? I'm glad your psychiatrist validated your feeling of being disconerted from your younger self.
You survived and you are surviving (physically, mentally, and emotionally). Never forget that.
One of the thoughts keeping me going is that I am so incredibly strong to go through this. YOU are so incredibly strong to go through this.
I am so very sorry that you had such a traumatic accident and at such a very young age...
The origin of my PTSD is different than yours so my perspective will be different. I changed in how I look at the events that caused my PTSD, how I look at myself, how I feel about myself and the world around me.
There were times where I felt I was getting in my way of recovering and I was extremely frustrated. At some point, someone shared that they found some sort of "acceptance" about the things and how it impacted them as a way of moving forward and I could not relate. I did not want to relate because I felt that not being okay with it all was what kept me going, kept me strong and fighting for things to get better. If I had accepted it, then I would no longer fight, I would give up and I didn't want that.
Over time I got to a different point where I thought "what if accepting doesn't mean stop fighting? It means I am accepting things are not great right now but not giving up on recovery". I tried to reach that kind of acceptance, as close to as possible, and that freed up some energy and instead of giving up, I started researching different ways of getting better.
I worked on some points and I was able to achieve them eventually so that was a sign of progress.
This was years ago and I had new trauma since but also very many positive things in my life. Some things were not achievable but instead I found other things that brought me joy.
This is only my personal perspective from one moment in time and from a different situation.
You have achieved so much already and your fighting spirit has gotten you so very far.
thank you for your advice Nathalie it has helped me more than you know. Your part about how the lack of acceptance was what was keeping you going is so powerful and I relate so much. If I actually sit down and think and process and accept, I’ll crack more than I already have. I know what has happened and the changes that have come from it but the sheer thought of ‘accepting’ it is impossible to me. Again how can I swallow the pill of this absolute living nightmare! I’m glad we are on the same page about how difficult acceptance is, some people without ptsd just don’t understand. So I take on your advice about getting as close to it as possible in a different way, what great advice. Things arent great right now but that is the cards I have been dealt and I need to learn to see it and live with it rather than focusing so much on that acceptance. Thanks again, all the best.
Dear emha22, I find myself in a similar situation (for different reasons) and your words and feelings make so much sense. I was working in the city and loving life. At the start of 2020 I had an ill-advised complicated surgery on my ankle which didn’t go well at all and triggered a massive cascade of health issues requiring emergency care, many further surgeries and with help and recovery hampered by covid etc. Two years later I’m a shadow of my former self, unable to work, disfigured and partially disabled. My situation is not as horrific as yours and I know how angry I feel about mine! so I’m not surprised in the slightest you feel the way you do. I’ve recently been struggling to envisage myself in the future and I really get that. These are my thoughts for you, I hope they may help a little;
Firstly, what a truly horrific experience you’ve had and are going through. It’s absolutely ok for you to feel angry, upset and all the things you do two years on. I don’t think two years is actually a long time when it comes to medical traumas and everyone processes things differently and at different speeds. You are grieving and that is absolutely ok. Go ahead and feel sh*tty because it is allowed.
I think this is quite a difficult period because it’s now as the medical appointments settle that you feel you should be moving forward or should have moved forward, but don’t want to. Again it’s ok. Take your time. We are all different.
I don’t like the concept of ‘accepting’ what’s happened and struggle with the sentiments often said around this because it feels like succumbing to what’s happened. I’ve found thinking of it in terms of ‘blame’ and accepting the ‘facts’ a bit more helpful. The driver was at fault for what’s happened to you and is to blame for the injuries you have suffered - the injuries are fact that you now have to sadly face.
There is an amazing book I’ve started reading called The Miracle Morning by Hal Elrod. He also experienced an horrific accident at your age and the book sets out the habits he developed to try and rebuild his life. It’s an international best seller and you might find it helpful. He’s also on social media. Early on in the book he talks about blame and responsibility - whilst someone else is to blame for what’s happened he saw it as his responsibility to commit to improving things for himself. I personally find this a helpful way to think about my situation. It’s feels quite proactive.
He also embraces the perspective that anything another human has overcome that we need to - is possible for us too.
I’ve found myself saturated and fatigued by all my medical appointments - so I’ve started having reflexology - which was horrendous at first having to share my feet in the state they were in, but they were used to helping people who are struggling and I have found it so helpful. It’s lovely to have some ‘me’ time which isn’t medical and is relaxing. It’s really good for holistic healing and for the soul. Sometimes I just sob my way through the sessions and other times I feel really lifted. The practitioners are used to it, and you may find something like this helpful and nice to do for a change.
I also changed some of my practitioners like my physio. Not because they were doing anything wrong but I just wanted some fresh input and some fresh faces. And also because I associated them with the truly heinous times. Obviously this isn’t always possible or easy to do, but maybe consider whether a change here or there might help. I’m not for one moment suggesting you should change your therapist, but I had a friend who found a change after a long time really helpful. If you’ve been with them for a while, again maybe someone with fresh insight may help with your perspectives.
Apologies for the long post, I guess my overall sentiment is that I think it’s still early days for you. You are still grieving for your body and your life and that’s ok. Take it at your pace. Just try to do something, one thing, for yourself each day. Maybe find a quote that you can print out and put somewhere you’ll see frequently that may help you feel more powerful and proactive in spite of everything. You are a survivor and that is honestly incredible, don’t forget that.
Your post has made my day so thank you so so much Mrs-Champers! Your kind words and advice was fantastic, tempted to print yours out as inspiration!
Also just wanted to say how seriously sorry I am that those medical implications have happened to you. We are in the same boat in the sense that we have been disfigured due to someone else and that is one of the hardest things to wrap your head around especially if you thought life would go on a different and more positive path. I’m saddened that you cannot picture the future whatsoever, I hope that improves as you have many great memories ahead of you I’m sure. I should really take my own advice and think the same but the sheer anger and negative thoughts cloud that and only display a depressive life of struggle ahead due to disability. One day we will get there and it won’t be so bad.
I have ordered that book on Amazon so thank you for the suggestion. I wish I had known about it 2 years back as for the last 2 years I have felt so alone in this situation, you never hear of people surviving what I went through due to the sheer speed and complications following so knowing of another person that has experienced this but also recovered is so promising so I can’t thank you more for the recommendation.
In terms of reflexology it’s nice to know that is so helpful for you I’m very tempted to try it myself! I have recently started acupuncture for the management of my pelvic fractures and it helps me a lot too, me time is so important and if it helps our injuries, even better!
Also for changing therapists and physios, I’ve found this very helpful. I’m lucky enough to have a great team who support my wishes to change people when I don’t connect with them which is great (even if I am on my 6th therapist lol). My ptsd is flared by memories and people who were around me in the first 7 months of recovery so seeing new faces is definitely helpful.
Anyway, please don’t apologise for your long post, i appreciate every word and my reply is just as long (so apologies also!). Either way your kind words have been so helpful for my soul and just how you recognise and relate to the fact that what we are dealing with is grief has been so beneficial to me. We both lost a part of us in the process of our traumas and that will take time, your right 2 years really isn’t time at all so thank you for helping me see that.
You keep going too, you are an amazing person and I wish you all the best!
Sounds like you, rightfully so, still have a lot of anger, grief and emotions about what happened to you and would benefit from processing them and need to be heard and validated. If it's possible you might find a therapist that specifically treats trauma and work with them. Mine used emdr therapy which has been proven to be very successful at treating ptsd. It's one thing to intellectualize what happened to you but it obviously was a very emotional, traumatic experience that you need to process in order to start healing. Unfortunately none of us really get to choose what happens to us in life but we do get to choose how we react to it and deal with it. My best to you and sorry for what happened to you.
absolutely, I feel so much emotion and anger towards it all to the point it consumes me.
It’s very interesting but unsurprising to hear that emdr worked for you, my therapist always says how it is proven to help ptsd but unfortunately in my case it was quite the opposite. I really struggled with it all and found it traumatic to relive something I struggled to live through the first time I couldn’t make it past session 2. I do agree though on its benefits and at one point in my life a lot later down the line I’ll hopefully be ready for emdr. I’m looking into other therapies to see if they will help but you’re right, the first thing I need to digest and really focus on is the fact I can’t control anything other than myself and my reactions. Hopefully soon my reaction will develop into a more positive one.
All the best to you too emha22, i'm glad to know you are looking into other therapies and I hope you find what works for you and you can at least get a little peace during your healing, you sound like a very courageous spirit. Please try to be kind and loving to yourself as much as you can.
I want to share a story from experience, because it's probably the best way I can respond to your question.
People in the 'majority' who have not experienced PTSD, really struggle to understand how or why it may affect our lives.
For me, anger was a big part of my PTSD and until very recently - say, five years ago - it was my main driving force in fact in my life.
One of my colleagues then made me think - and it brought me to two conclusions.
He said: don't be so angry....
And so the first, initial conclusion that I came to was probably the most important realisation. Anger in respect to PTSD is not a crime, nor negative position. It is actually a natural response for the soul, which has been shamed/threatened/punished etc.
No. Anger is not a bad or wrong response for the soul in this scenario.
Was he meaning that anger was generally a bad state of being to be in, I wondered? Well, too bad.... My anger was a natural response that was an essence of the fight or flight response. And I had chosen to fight.... because my original trauma had put me in a position whereby I had no option to flee - only to fight.
The second conclusion I came to, was that I became aware of how others were perceiving something so intrinsically deep within my soul - as if it were that only option for my life.
I realised that I needed to adapt and figure out how best to navigate anger and my own projections. In truth, this changed me and has redirected my life course.
Maybe that is what the colleague meant originally. Though I can't help thinking, he just was naive, inexperience with PTSD and clueless. At the very least, I began to start an inner conversation about how I wanted to project myself moving forward in my life.
Anger was obviously affecting my life and relationships - clearly. Making the initial steps to change this has helped me greatly. I've acknowledged my anger and given thanks for it's role - a role that has now been surpassed by an inner feeling or needing to be part of this greater society and planet.
Making peace with oneself is a daily challenge, yet feasible. And the journey ahead offers much, I truly believe this. I hope you may look into the words written by the founder of this forum, Michelle Rosenthal, who found strength (and pain) from her own hospital surgery experience - and whom wrote a book and set up this brilliant forum on HU.
Here's a starter post from Michelle regarding identity, which I know is a key issue in the whole overarching journey of healing and recovery.
wow savinggrace, thank you for putting it that way. You are absolutely right all we did was fight which is completely natural. Sometimes I feel like this much anger is unnatural but maybe it’s not and it’s justified given the situation I was forced into.
It’s time to put my attention towards making and understanding my new normal no matter how much I want to neglect it until it goes away as it’s definitely not going anywhere. This anger and negative emotion needs to form into something more positive as you are again right about the fact it is ruining aspects of my life. Why sit there thinking about what I can’t do when there is a lot I can do (easier said than done lol but I will get there!).The definitely clueless man who made that initial statement has ended up helping us both I guess, regardless you have definitely helped me.
Thanks a lot for the recommended post, I will get reading asap as know she will have some great advice as have you, I wish you the best.
I associated my own journey akin to being in quick sand. Or being churned over by an ocean wave. No - I’ve never been in quick sand thankfully 😅 but yes, churned by the waves !
Nature can have it’s own destructive force. I realised and reflected on this (unreal and real scenarios) and recognised that where I tried to move too quickly and force an outcome, I only became entrapped in the pull of its energy. {we are always told at the beach to not fight a rip tide but let it carry us out until it is safe, to then swim parallel to the beach and back in}
I found that finding acceptance and learning to work with the concept of such an immense energy has helped me to take a more considered approach to how I respond and work towards managing and PTSD in my life.
I won’t lie, it has taken me some time. Some steps forward, some back yet overall, learning.
Learning how to adapt myself and to begin to heal, live … nae: thrive.
Getting to grips with misconceptions about anger was an important step.
I know who I am inside. And I know what I am capable of.
When I began to put one foot in front of the other - well, it was like learning to live again… yet this time, with wisdom at hand and maturity, to handle things hopefully 🙏 a little better!!!!!
I guess I hope that you continue to fully believe in yourself and to hold true your inner insight of what/where/how you can really begin to heal again and get through this awful, difficult time.
I’m really sorry that it is so hard and send blessings & hope for you right now .
emha22, I totally understand. My mind replays the questions, how could this have happened to me? Why me? What is wrong with me? I get it. I stop those thoughts with exercise, my dog and reading. I still have those days. I redirect. I cry when I need to cry. I find if I don't it builds up. Try a kindle. It helps take me out of my life of disability.
Glad we understand each other RoxyKind. Everyday I wake up and just replay that same question, what have I done to deserve this? It’s a sad reality but your recommendations sound like an escape from that all. I’m struggling to exercise at the moment as I am post surgery on my knee but am counting down the days until I can get back to my relaxing walks in the countryside as those help massively. Glad you have company with your dog, I recently got 2 new baby bunnies so am going to them for comfort when I find myself spiralling into negativity.
Your comment about crying when you need to is so empowering. I often find myself avoiding crying as it allows horrible thoughts and the worst possible flashbacks to get into my brain but will try to see it as a release from the built up stress regarding disability. Will also try to read more in order to release the stress in a less intense way.
Thanks for the great advice, I wish you all the best. Never forget you didn’t deserve this, none of us did.
one thing I have learned on my journey is it takes more energy to fight past trauma than to accept they are past trauma I hope that makes sense. Once I accepted the trauma was now over and could not hurt me anymore I was on the road to recovery.
emha if you can read a book called "When the Body says No " I'm a Disabled agoraphobic suffering PTSD according to some Dr's, I have a Degenerative Skeletal disease, as well as depression! I'm a Wreck put bluntly. I'm going through other more serious issues just now. I have a belief that Everything happens for a reason, I don't know why but I feel my problems are helping me find my real self, I am able to help others at times just by talking, I really hate my situation, It's not my Fault but it happened I now live with it ,I don't accept this is how it'll always be, my ailments are not my enemy ! I'm my Enemy by not pushing myself enough to get better to understand( Not Accept) ! To understand how to Combat my ailments, Be Angry Be "FN" Angry Not at yourself but at the situation! Your Anger will push you harder it can help you Understand Yourself, You should never Accept your Situation but Accept that you and only You can sort your mind out to Understand how to fix the Pain,the Loss and I have to admit the Fear of the situation! I started reading "The Body Says No" a while back (3 months ago) I have to keep going back and re reading bits but it's really good in helping you understand a better easier to read book is Mind over Body! It's basically telling us how to get our minds right so our bodies can follow. Nathalie said She sometimes talks to her younger self, I talk to my Younger self, When I was Happy, my younger self tells me I'm more than how I look or how I think people look at me. I'm Me Disabled yes, but being Disabled is not the be all or end all it can feel like, it can make us better people thereby instead of being Disabled we are Enabled! Be Kind to Yourself Remember You Are Worth it.
thank you for your recommendation Delzek it sounds exactly what I need right now. And thank you for your general understanding, your message about how sometimes it can feel like your disability defines you and it’s all there is but your right, it isn’t and I need to remember that at times when I feel like it is. Your message has meant more than I can express and I am very thankful. Going to let the anger out and become and enabler like yourself rather than focusing on acceptance as that is not the right path for me. I am excited to read the book so thank you again.
All the best, I really hope your diagnoses don’t get you down as you are a great person x
i feel you, i also lost my life, i died...I'll never know exactly how you feel but your words touched me. i don't think you will avoid grieving so much deep loss, such a maddening event, saying you can change your mindset can be harmful when there is no other human mindset than to feel the pain that you feel. We are here on the other side, still alive but with out our lives-i take help from a few tools to support me as i am and if you want ill share. sending support
glad to hear you can relate but am sorry you do also.
You said it exactly how I feel which is that i feel like I died that day, not physically but in every other way possible. I’m still living on but I’m now living a life that is not mine and it’s hard to not feel that way. I only feel pain and anger at this point. I hope one day that mindset will change but I have a feeling it will be sticking around for a while. Sometimes I think that the only time I will ‘accept’ this is on my death bed. Please share your tools for support, they will greatly appreciated.
the tool that helps me the most is Thich Nhat Hanh's concious breathing exercises. Its accessible meditation that is very easy, like a window out of the war with yourself for a few minutes, to connect to life as you are. I also read the book of Victor Frenkel-man's search for meaning-that speaks of dealing with the unimaginable. Probably they have been mentioned here but some therapies for ptsd are somatic experiencing and nlp--they are more effective than medication or talk therapy
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