No trust/hate

I have a history of childhood physical, emotional and sexual abuse. I tried to tell someone once, but my"family" stepped in and seemed too nice to anyone so nothing happened. By the time I got up the courage to talk, the bruises where gone. My first psychologist wasn't reliable. Why would I trust someone when no one would believe me before? Long line of therapy followed, but I don't know how to believe what they say. They say I am a good person, but, blah, blah, blah.

I worked as a paramedic/firefighter for 28 years, and that came with it's own abuse from supervisors. I was good at my job, despite the abuse. I liked working with patients.

Was married, he raped me.

I was forced to retire due to an on the job injury. I wasn't ready to retire. I hate the people from my job. My body is broken and I live with chronic pain. I hate most people. I am angry about everything. History of PTSD, depression, substance abuse. I don't trust anybody, never have. People aren't to be trusted, too dangerous. antidepressant meds aren't working. Trying to change them. I feel numb inside except for the rage.

5 Replies

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  • I wish l could help you to like yourself, this seems to be the answer to your torment, l am not qualified in any way other the past experience, you cannot heal yourself if you cannot first like yourself. I am going through a bad patch, but l have accepted that l am as good as l can be in the circumstances. Hope things improve for you, am sending hugs and love. XXXX

  • People have abused and used and deliberately hurt you. You should be mad. You should be angry. You have every right to be. Any person would be that has been through what you have. If they weren't, THAT would be dysfunctional. I think you should thank your anger. It is not necessarily an enemy, but possibly a friend. It is completely understandable that you wouldn't trust anyone. If most of the people in your life have treated you in abusive ways, why would you? I have struggled with this as well. Some days are better and I am fortunate that I had someone in my life at a very young age that could bring me into light. My severely handicapped sister basically saved my life more times than I can count. I always think of her in my darkest moments, and she lived through all the horror that I did, but unable to walk, talk or feed herself. I cannot imagine what you went through. I can't tell you to trust anyone. That will take time and trusting yourself, which isn't easy when you've been abused. It's not fair that you were deprived of your RIGHT as a human being to develop the capacities that most people take for granted every day. The damage done to you is unforgivable, but not permanent. There is a way. There is a light, somwhere, deep inside you. At the very least, you reached out into this forum, which means you know that it's there, although it may be hard to see at the moment. Something special is with you and helping guide you. Trust in that, whatever it may be, because many more people than you know feel your pain and what you wrote resonates with them, and will help them feel not so alone. And that is a blessing.

  • As I read your post, my heart ached. Trying to stay sane is a daily struggle for me. The one thing I hold onto is that no matter what - I'm not giving up. The 12 steps have helped me deal with that anger. And as already mentioned, save that anger not towards self, but towards the abusers. I couldn't face any of this stuff unsober. I keep looking for that glimmer of light, & it IS there, sometimes shinning super bright. Sometimes just a flicker. What I do know from my own experience is that it is always darkest before the dawn. Every. Single. Day. That's how the earth & sun & moon are tilted. Hugs to you 💓

  • I can sympathize with your struggle, and the only feelings you have are anger and numb,along with mistrust of people.

  • Thank you for your kind replies. : )

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