Therapist called out sick/ sex problems

[transpower]

tfw your therapist cancels your appointment cuz she's sick....... god damn it I really needed a session w/ her. She's an expert. I need expertise right now.... I'm lost.

Can anyone who's a survivor of CSA and adult sexual assault help me? I have been groomed and assaulted by many predators for my entire life. I have had PTSD my whole life. I have no idea what it feels like to not have PTSD.

My sex problem is feeling like I need sex to feel good about myself.

The validation of someone else wanting my body... not just the pleasure release. I can masturbate and get the same thing. I just want my partner to desire me enough that she comes after me.... but for her she doesn't like to be the pursuer. She wants to be pursued... but I'm just so worried that she will reject me every time I pursue her for sex. I don't like feeling rejected so I just don't say anything when I'm in the mood... I'm also rarely in the mood. lol it doesn't make sense. I am triggered all the time. 

[Hidden]

That's a tough one. I couldn't possibly begin to know what you are going through or would not dare to suggest anything. I have always been the opposite. I hate anything to do with sex and reject anyone who comes near me. Sorry for what you are going through.

[trekster22]

I have a similar experience where I confused sex with love but not anymore.

[transpower in reply to trekster22]

How did you change that

[trekster22 in reply to transpower]

Lots of counselling and therapy go improve my self esteem and self worth.

[amwein]

Hey transpower,

I both experienced CSA and adult sexual abuse. I can relate having also been assaulted by multiple people over my lifetime- and I cannot say for sure how long I have had PTSD, because I was in denial of it until I was 18... I thought a lot of my symptoms were normal...

As for your experiences with sex, I can relate on some level and perhaps offer a bit of information about my personal experiences with sex. I used to believe that I needed sex to feel good about myself. The sense of desire from another person for my body was incredibly validating. Though I often can overcome it, I still experience that sense of needing my SO to pursue me. I am usually in the mood more frequently than my partner...

That said, it has taken years of figuring out the root of my need for that validation and replacing it/ teaching myself healthier alternatives. My partner has been really vigilant with me about talking through the process... trying to understand what I am really looking for in sex. We have found that for me, sometimes it is security, and other times, it is affection, closeness, control or release. Determining the reason behind it can be extremely helpful. At least it was for me.

I can relate to simultaneously wanting sex and not being in the mood at the same time... for me it is also that fear of rejection, but again it came down to me looking into exactly why I am afraid of the rejection. I think the repetition of safe rejection has helped me immensely in my healing.

Apologies for the super long post. I just feel like I can relate a lot.