My PTSD symptoms have gotten vastly better over the last year after doing EMDR therapy and finding a therapist who understands me. The problem is that the aftermath of my trauma goes on and on: I was sexually and mentally abused for months by a teacher at a boarding school just after my 17th birthday. I repressed all memory of it for 35 years, then had six years of full-blown PTSD when I was finally able to think about it, starting August 10, 2009. Last year, the abuser sent me a three page letter in which he confessed to "having relations" with me, but zero acknowledgement that it was wrong or damaging to me. Basically, he tried to paint lipstick on a pig, so to speak.
This man is still a credentialed teacher. He has three credentials, including special ed, allowing him to work one on one with a disabled student. I have Asperger syndrome myself (which was not a recognized diagnosis when I was growing up) and the thought of this creep in a room with students almost made me go out and kill him. No joke. Instead, I sent his letter to the Commission on Teacher Credentialing. They did an investigation and revoked his credentials.
But, he has appealed. Now there will be a hearing before an Administrative Law Judge in an open courtroom. I will likely be called as a witness. If the abuser decides to represent himself without a lawyer, I may even be questioned by him. I am not afraid of this. The truth is the truth, and luckily I have his letter and other documentation proving my age at the time and other relevant facts. There is no way he can say he did not have sex with me: He confessed it in his letter, although he carefully avoided using the word "sex" and instead euphemisticly called it "relations". But anyone with half a brain can see what it means.
It is the Credentilling Commission who will prosecute the case, not me. I will only be a witness. But it will be months before this hearing. I have been doing so much better, and now I find myself slipping back into the rage and obsessive thoughts. It has already eaten up so much of my life. Now I have to wait for months and months for this hearing, not knowing if or when I will be called to testify. Not knowing if I will actually have to speak to this pervert in the courtroom. I have had so many thoughts of doing violence to him. Not even thoughts, they are like waves of the most intense emotion I have ever had. Waves of utter rage. I am most afraid I will act on this in the courtroom, especially if he attempts the kind of mental manipulation he is so good at.
I don't have anyone to talk to about this. My sessions with the therapist ended, but maybe I need to keep going. I am really struggling with this, so that's why this post.