New Member

[stann029]

Hello folks;

I am new to this forum after a long debate of whether it would be "Safe" for me...Mostly due to the fact that I have a cyber stalker; the same person who physically assaulted me and mentally/emotionally abused and blackmailed me since 2009. I have been diagnosed with C-PTSD. My abuser kidnapped me and drugged me every day for nearly 8 months, preventing me from leaving and resulting in a substance abuse problem. I see two therapists every week, and my general practitioner once a month for those related health issues.

I recently began reading Your Life After Trauma by Michele Rosenthal, which led me to this forum. I am beginning to understand how to rebuild, and what the path will generally entail.

I live in a region where there are NO GROUP support classes or any safe places for me to interact with others who have survived PTSD. I recently relocated from an area that had a robust queer/women-centric survivors support group and 12-week empowerment program...however it was no longer safe for me to live there, so in leaving I lost a lot of resources. My family doesn't know anything about it, and I was so isolated from my friends when I lived in my last city that they were not support resources either.

I don't leave my house a lot; it's terrifying enough to even go to work or the grocery store. Thankfully, I can order a lot of things online these days, which helps. I am also in the process of having a service animal trained to assist me with mitigating my symptoms so I might be able to reclaim my social life. For the past few months, I was dating someone new, and he was my only social outlet that felt safe. I trusted him enough and over time opened up to him about my trauma and vulnerability. He told me he didn't judge me and found me "flawless" regardless of my past, and never told me how to feel or what to do to cope, which made me feel safe and cared for while also allowing me the space to heal on my own. However, he has ceased speaking to me out of the blue and I haven't heard from him in over a week. The last time I saw him, we were coming back from a fun camping trip with our dogs and I had no idea anything was wrong. My logical mind says that it's "their problem, not mind", but the trauma says ITS ALL MY FAULT FOR BEING DAMAGED AND HARD TO CARE FOR.

Basically, I'm struggling immensely. I used to be someone so different, so full of life and curiosity. I used to be a musician, a dancer...I used to go on weekend long bikepacking trips on my own not knowing or worrying about what would happen to me. I used to garden, I used to have a beautiful organized home surrounded by the things that gave me joy. Now all my instruments collect dust, my studio has been unvisited for years, I'm terrified of camping alone, I'm too tired to garden or go to the gym, and I'm so convinced I will need to pack up and leave at any time, so I haven't even unpacked my life into my new home. I'm surrounded by boxes, bare walls, and crushing loneliness. It is a struggle every day to not abuse drugs or alcohol just to escape this feeling. However, I don't want my desperation to guide me into another abusive relationship or an abusive friendship or any relationship that doesn't respect my boundaries: physical or mental. I want to do the right thing, but I feel like trying to do the right thing will kill me before my abuser has a chance to.

Just wanted to give a basic intro and find out more about the community. Once I have a look around, I'll get a better idea for the topics and appropriate discussion sections. Could ya'll share with me your favorite or most helpful forum posts?

Thank you for being here

Stann