struggles to open up - recent diagnosis

[squirrelfriend]

TW: sexual abuse

Hi im new here, and im looking for advice on coping.

I've been dealing with anxiety & depression since I started my teenage years but have recently been given a diagnosis of PTSD. I'd never really thought about it before but it makes a lot of sense. I'm finding the whole thing terrifying and it's so hard to get support on the NHS.

My first 3 sexual experiences involved people close to me who I trusted taking advantage of me. The first of which being when I was 13/14. This whole ordeal has been really distressing the last few months and I'm having to come to terms with a lot of things I'd blocked out. I'm realising that these things have completely impacted the way I form relationships - it's filtered into every aspect of my life.

I recently moved away somewhere new and I'm really struggling to trust that the people around me actually care about me, that they wont hurt me, or forget about me, or just knowing how to approach talking about these things with anyone.

Any time I attempt to open up I go into really intense panic and start to shut down or put up an automatic front.

If anyone has any advice or resources I'd really appreciate it. This is so new to me and I've been finding life so distressing.

Thank you!

[Shy_Guy]

Welcome to the community. It is a difficult thing to be diagnosed with PTSD. Many here deal with ptsd from childhood.

I was diagnosed many years ago from my childhood trauma. My parents were drunks and did not know how to be a parent. I just got in the way. I thought I left it all behind when I moved away but it followed me everywhere.

I think now it was very bad but it is something that is manageable. I do not think I will ever totally heal but I can still have a worthy life.

People here have helped me by accepting my photography talents and are willing to view my photos. It means a lot to me that it is acceptable here.

I think the best part of this community it know I am not alone in this struggle. There are kindred spirits all over the world that understand the trauma and scars that I have endured. I hope you find the community here to help you as well.

[squirrelfriend in reply to Shy_Guy]

Thank you so much !

I'm actually studying for a degree in photography at the moment! So I'll keep an eye out for your photos.

I always find that doing something creative helps get me out of my own head for a little while.

I suppose its just scary being right at the start of this whole thing - I've only just realised how much these things have impacted me / remembered that some of them even happened.

[Shy_Guy in reply to squirrelfriend]

It is good to have another photographer in the group. We have a few here. I hope you can share some photos here but only what you are comfortable with.

My interests are macro. I will shot other things but most of my stuff is close up. I am an amateur but my profession is a graphic artist. I think this helps.

I know for me the photography really give me hope and a really tangible thing to help with my ptsd issues. It is nice to show others what I see.

[Lindyloo53 Volunteer]

Hi squirrel friend, welcome to the group. You have asked for advice in dealing with anxiety. Most of us will share what works for us. For me it’s mindfulness, pulling my mind back to this moment in time helps me deal with anxiety. If your not sure what mindfulness is then I’d encourage you to google it. If your anything like me that is the way I learn about new things. I understand it’s difficult to get help on the nhs. I’m not in England I’m in NZ. In terms of therpy I’ve found useful is EMDR. It often moves things along very quickly. Again if you don’t know what EmdR is google it. It’s certainly worked for me in processing memories. I wish you well on your journey an dlook forward to hearing more from you.

[squirrelfriend in reply to Lindyloo53]

Thanks so much I'm definitely going to have a look into EMDR.

I do a lot of yoga and try to meditate when I can which definitely help sooth me.

It's strange I have a sort of verbal block when I try to speak to people about anything personal where I just can't say anything at all. I often find myself really putting on a false confidence or really hiding things.

[Ellen6 Major Contributor]

Hi

I like your user name.

Welcome. Glad you found us. There are lots of people here dealing with ptsd from abuse.

I agree trust can be a major issue after such violation of our bodies by adults we trusted and thought were safe.

EMDR has helped me although saying that I’ve relapsed a bit mainly with issues around shame.

Are you under the nhs for this ?

I may be able to to recommend some books . If I forget just private message me 🌻🌸🌼🌺🌼🌸🌻🌺

[squirrelfriend]

I'd love to hear the recommendations! and no truth be told I've not heard of EMDR before joining this community but I've been taking a look into it!

[majolie]

Hi, I ache for you. I was sexually abused by my father and for years I tried all sorts of unhealthy coping mechanisms which only made things worse. I finally found healing and freedom through Christ. It's a long story, which I won't go into unless you request that I do.

After years of unhelpful counseling, I found that my church had a support group for victims of sexual abuse, led by a counselor who herself had been sexually abused, and we worked through a book called The Door of Hope over a period of a year. It was painful and hard, but SO worth it. I can honestly say that I'm healed and have been able to live as an overcomer rather than a victim.

That doesn't mean that I don't have a scar. Sexual abuse in childhood is deeply damaging, but I want you to accept that it was in the past and it DOES NOT define who you are. You are not damaged goods or unworthy of love or any other lie that you might be buying into right now. My scar is a reminder to me that life is hard (for everyone, in all sorts of different ways), but we can overcome our wounds and not let them steal from us our future.

Something was stolen from you (your innocence and purity) but it doesn't have to ruin your life. Are you able to find a counselor, a trusted friend, or a support group at a church like I did? If you are with someone or a group where you feel safe, you'll be more likely to be able to open up and find compassion from others. It's so freeing just to be able to talk about it. You'd be shocked to find out how many people (probably more women than men) have been sexually abused, but some go their whole lives unable to talk about it, face it, work through it, and find healing.

It's actually wise of you to be cautious about who you talk to, because some people either can't handle such things, or they really don't care, or they really can't be trusted. So make sure that you are in a safe situation.

I just want to assure you that you really CAN go on to live a normal life (well, what really is normal??? every human is "walking wounded" in some sense). You really can heal, and feel released from the bondage of your abuse, and have a loving relationship with someone someday. I've been married for 37 years to a wonderful man who has walked alongside me through all my steps of healing. Surround yourself with loving, caring, loyal friends. You might even find some at a photo event or club.

The one other thing that I'd highly recommend to get "out of your head" (which for me can be a dark place at times) is to volunteer somewhere, helping others who are struggling to eat, have a home or job, are shut-ins, lonely, rejected. It truly is more blessed to give than receive!

[mk5555]

I am new to this site. I understand where you are at totally.