I'm not one for sharing...

[Jenna9812]

But clearly I cannot do this on my own. At 39 years of age, I just moved back to the place where I experienced just about every kind of abuse that a child can be subjected to. Huge mistake. My mental status went from somewhat functional to not functional at all. PTSD, Major Depression, Anxiety, Panic attacks. Triggers everywhere. I want to move back but my family does not support that decision. Tried seeing a therapist. Didn't work out. Reading books, listening to podcasts. On a lot of meds but they keep me in a brain fog and keep my motivation level very low. I need advice...

[Hidden]

You should move to a safer place as soon as possible. Which is easier said than done I understand but if there are too many triggers in your surroundings especially home (which should be a place of refuge) it could be debilitating. You don't have to 'force' yourself to deal with re-living any of this trauma before its time.. You don't owe anyone anything, not even an explaination.

They are the ones who owe YOU.

So you are capable of moving by all means try to do so, & give yourself a chance in a safe space to heal.

[Hidden]

It seems to me that PTSD has effected my since of treating myself with kindness and caring. It is not my first thought to be good to myself. My entire life I have always put others first and neglect my own needs and wants.

My trauma started early so I wonder if people who have not experienced trauma so early actually put themselves first and treat themselves with kindness without really thinking about it. In my case, it takes a genuine effort to be good to myself. I think this kind of behavior is not the norm.

After many years of understanding PTSD and its symptoms, I have made my personal choice of putting my well being a top priority. I am 54 years old so I think it is about time. Even though it does not come naturally, I choose to be good to me.

Jenna9812, I wish you luck with your situation. I hope you can be good to you. I am not sure what you should to do to make that happen but I am sure if you can treat yourself well then thing will get better.

[tyzack]

First of all, I wanted to say welcome to the forum. We all have different roads to recovery. What works for one person may not be the right choice for another. We share our stories & successes & support each other in bad times. One thing you have right is that you can not do this on your own. Keep posting & reading & you will find some wonderful people here. I hesitate to give specific advice, especially not knowing your situation but obviously, if you can move to a safer place then do so. I assume you have no way of moving right now or you would have already done so. As far as what to do, Michelle has some helpful blogs & podcasts that contains explanations of various things to try. You can also look up topics listed on the right side here. Therapists can be good or bad. I assume you have checked in with your doctor to let him know your condition and the side effects. Maybe he can adjust something or try something new. Doctors can be good or bad as well. Don't hesitate to try new people if you're not satisfied. You have done one major thing that you should congratulate yourself on. You got up the courage to write here. That's huge. Keep writing. It helps. This is a place you can really vent. We all understand.

[SavingGrace Administrator in reply to tyzack]

Tyzack: you're a gem... truly! :O)

[tyzack in reply to SavingGrace]

Thanks CatsM!! Not sure what I did, but I'll take it. Funny, I needed to be called a gem today. How did you know.

[Jenna9812]

Thank you all for your replies.

To add to my first message: It was my idea to uproot my family and move here. I should add that during that same time period I also decided to stop taking all of my meds (antidepressants, anti anxiety, hypothyroid and high blood pressure), and did some other very questionable acts that I'll never forgive myself for. My husband and daughter no longer trust my judgement. I'm not sure I trust my judgement.

Before the move, I had a full time very stressful rewarding career with boughts of depression that my family and I would endure. Since the move, I'm afraid of everything. My days are filled with trying not to end it all. ALL DAY. EVERYDAY. I have fleeting moments of hope and happiness. But in the end I'm just exhausted.

[tyzack]

Step one: Forgive yourself. Even if you did make some less than ideal choices so what. We all have. Don't linger on that. Just tell yourself that you've learned from it & won't that that same mistake again. (I'm not saying you did make mistakes, I don't know).

Personally I have royally screwed up my life more than once & for a while was the queen of poor decision making. You poor thing, of course you're exhausted. A major move, stop & start meds & being in a triggering place. After I made a poor choice, I doubted my judgement for a while too. I think that's a pretty normal reaction. In time, you will regain self trust. Please try to take care of yourself & rest. Everything looks even more bleak when you're exhausted.Hang on to those moments of hope & happiness as tight as you can.

[Nathalie99 Partner]

Hi Jenna,

I'm also 39 and also lost my career because of ptsd. Working really held me together, after that things went worse. I slowly got myself off most meds and I feel I'm better, it's been over 3 years now. You need to check with your doctor which ones you can try to slowly get off and how and when.

The most important treatment is therapy but also reading and podcasts, different materials for self help are great source of information.

I think that not forgiving yourself adds to your anxiety and ptsd symptoms, making it worse. I have a very hard time forgiving myself and trusting my judgement but it's necessary to take this pressure off so that your adrenal system has some break.

I also think that you should move if you can, home is the most important place to be find safety and peace. Constant triggers make this situation very difficult for you.

Feeling exhausted is caused by the fight/flight mode and the high levels of stress hormones that drain all the energy. It's very important that you start feeling safe, get off those triggers and feel more in control of the situation.

I hope you find the energy and resources to make the life changes.