triggered

[peacefulandcalm]

Getting nonstop adrenaline starting. I will stop it with an ativan and meditation today.

But very scared.

Turned in my appeal for SSDI, but know it is a long way away and a ton of work and luck to get it.

Very scared right now.

Feel so worried.

I cannot stay in this home. Just read some online reviews of the property management company here and they all said to stay away, that they are horrendously disrespectful and so horrible to their tenants, not fixing anything.

Apparently another person had an ac that did not work (mine, I cannot use due to the horrendous noise and was sick three years in the summer, wailing in pain and agony, going to urgent care, staying out of the house every day)--but this property management company did not care and did not do anything to fix hers either.

I am very afraid. I am too ill to do this again.

I know I need to stay calm.

I need to buy a cheap place. With the help of my father. Who needs to send the money to my mother who is a buffer for me, asap so I can go out and look and get one before the heat starts, and I begin to dissociate so badly I cannot deal and then get very ill.

I have been looking at rentals too. It is too much to explain why everything is terrifying and triggers. Moving is so much. Too much for me over and over. Long story. Moved around for 15 years, sometimes, every day, every week. Then got very very ill.

I need support. Adrenaline is coursing through me.

She has a letter to send to him. She is acting as an intermediary. She is waiting until I say to send it.

He is moving to Washington state soon. So much to tell. I feel so afraid. Afraid of torture and not getting the help I need before it is to late. His torture of not doing what he says until he has caused me torture. Letting his daughter suffer until she wants to be dead over and over because the torture of PTSD and fibromyalgia. Tears now.

Winter was very tough. Now I need his help to send the money soon to my mother so I can take action before I am too ill.

I am worried.

[peacefulandcalm Encourager]

triggers in renting. triggers in asking father for the help. triggers I know and am trying to avoid. And feel trapped and scared with triggers all around.

Will calm myself down today and do all I can the best I can. Rest in bed where I feel safe.

[IChoose]

Yes, I feel your words - I use them too. Why do things others do so easily become a horror for us? Something is wrong -I'm not willing to stay that way. I told myself today that I won't go crazy. I told myself going crazy is a choice. I hope I'm right lol!