What is wrong with me??

[Mind2Puzzled]

Recently I've been told I have PTSD I guess I could have always had it now looking online and reading other people stories and WebMD.. Well let me start at the beginning I know I have survived alot and wonder how did I make it but I had no choice it's me and only me for a long time.. A couple of months ago like 3-4 I started havin nightmares each night was like a new clip with blurry spots it would mess up my whole day thinking about it constantly.. then one night in the nightmare it showed me something and for the longest time I thought I was just 5 yrs old and playing and I remember being really really hot to this day but no I blackout my 5 yr old self rewired that dark time I wasn't playing I was running and hiding from him.. it scared me so I went to my mother and sat her down and explainEd my nightmares.. she said very calmly I have something to tell you and told me that they were true and when she found out she tried to help me put me in counseling for 2 years which I don't remember and we moved she said I would never talk about it not to anyone.. I felt like I had a 1,000 piece puzzle stuck in my mind and had to put it together and didn't know how it depressed me wondering ho why? Who? And the nightmares kept coming and coming I began to afraid togo to sleep, I found myself had a cross road wondering can I do this anymore I had been thinking about suicide so much I planned out my funeral every detail and knew I had a choice to make I choice to live and sneaked out help I found a therapist who is amazing and I'm comfortable with she has helping understand that dark time and we are working on my time line I feel like on a scale of 1-10 I'm stuck on 5 and one little thing will set me off.. now the nightmares are here but the story has changed this one I remember some and scared I'm so very scared I don't want to sleep I don't want to see his face I don't want to hear his voice he took so much from me I'm wondering how am I gonna make it.. what's wrong me with me?? Family is telling me my eatting habits have changed I still eat just eat different not sure why but I don't want meat has this happened to anyone.. I feel so crazy.. I find it easier to tell a total stranger I have this then my own family.. they tell me get over it.. it's in your past you have to move forward look at your beautiful family.. and I try I really try but my head hurts I Need it to be quiet and don't want to answer the million questions they ask Please someone help me understand

[AnyaC]

You are going through what so many of us have or are going through. We understand here! Nightmares, until recently, had driven me to be a daytime sleeper, afraid to try to sleep at night. For the past couple of months, I've been sleeping at night, but the nightmares are starting again. It's normal - this is a hard time of year for me, so I know when and what to expect.

I've been dealing with PTSD for at least 5 yrs since I was diagnosed, but I think it probably started long before. I seldom leave the house. I eat one meal a day, and recently (I've been fighting an illness) I haven't really eaten that much. I'm starting to eat again, but still it's only once or maybe two small meals a day. I crave chocolate - lived on it as my main food source for a year. I'm trying to ignore the craving, or at least control it. So far, so good.

People who tell you to "get over it" have no clue what it is to survive trauma. They simply don't understand! I've been told by people very dear to me to change the way I think... my doctor laughs at that idea. As if I wouldn't have already if I could! Don't let them make you feel guilty! PTSD is hard to understand for those who haven't taken the time to learn about it, and even then it's hard for them to understand that we can't control it. It's o.k... it's just part of the process!

I live in such fear so much of the time normally. The phone ringing can panic me, the doorbell, the sound of a car. Being alone at night.... nightmares, people, going into strange places.... it's hard to feel safe. I've learned to deal with most of it, and medication for PTSD helps tremendously. Because of the fear of going through the process of finding a therapist, along with the expense, I'm not in therapy. It's a choice I've had to make, and I'm comfortable with it. I guess we can learn to accept all kinds of things.... we have a life to lead, people who care about us. It's so important to accept where we are, I think, and take each day at a time.

I'm soooo glad you have a therapist who you are comfortable with who is helping you!!! Don't give up - it's a long process from what I understand. You will have good days and bad days... it's o.k. Don't expect too much of yourself. where you are today is o.k., and if that means hiding in bed and sleeping for the day (I do lots of that! ), it's o.k. Our brains have rewired themselves to deal with the trauma, and it will take time to rewire it. Give yourself the time you need! Be kind to yourself! And know that you are NOT alone!!! Hang in there!!! Our entire lives change because of the trauma and the PTSD, but it doesn't mean that we don't have lives - it's just different.

You'll find lots of support and understanding here. Welcome to the community!

[ElizaV]

I understand. Guided hypnosis or meditation helps me sleep better. There are lots of free guided meditations on YouTube. I just pick one that's over an hour long, and play it through my phone. It helps my nightmares and insomnia a lot. I will keep you in my thoughts. It is not easy what you are going through, and it's not fair. But you can come out stronger on the other side.

[Hidden]

Welcome, Mind2puzzled. I understand and you are not alone.

[Perfect4]

Welcome, at a subconscious level your body is feeling that you are in a place where you are strong enough to work on this stuff now. Your mind will only allow you to remember what is feels you are able for. The memories may never fully come back and that's ok, you work on the feelings. A big part of the work is separating out the feelings so that your body can tell the difference between feeling the fear of a past hurt and that it is an old feeling not a present one. Today right now you are safe. That's the hard part the difference between knowing it's an old memory and feeling it's an old memory. Educate yourself about how you can be triggered by events in your life, your therapist can help you with this. I journal a lot it really helps me. Especially if I become scared or agitated, I often find that by simply writing about my day I see that I did something that lead to me getting triggered unbeknownst to myself. It is a journey and at times a very long and hard one, but it can be done. Never lose hope

Hold On Pain Ends.

[gendarme12]

Oh how my heart goes out to you. I agree with what one of the posts said, your body and your mind are stronger and safe now and this is why you are flooded with memories. For myself, my experience with PTSD, is more about acceptance today. Acceptance and learning how to live with constantly being triggered. In the beginning when I first started realizing what had happened, I was angry every day. My nightmares have been awful and when I awaken, I have to do what I can to get in the present moment. Look at a calendar, move my feet. Your therapist will help you come up with what works for you.

As far as the fam is concerned, I'm sure there are books or lists of things that you can give them to help educate them on how to best be supportive. My experience has been, if someone (family or not) continues to question me, try to make me feel guilty, continually invalidate me....then I stop sharing those vulnerable parts of myself with them. If it's significant other, they need to be educated..period. I have become very selective on what and who I share with, only b/c for me, the invalidation usually sends me into spin cycle and it's just not healthy. You are doing the right things, you are working with a therapist, you have found this site, you have reached out! You are not crazy! You are a person who WILL heal and come out on a new side. Don't give up. Oh yeah, the music stuff before bed really helps. 🙏🏻