Recently I've been told I have PTSD I guess I could have always had it now looking online and reading other people stories and WebMD.. Well let me start at the beginning I know I have survived alot and wonder how did I make it but I had no choice it's me and only me for a long time.. A couple of months ago like 3-4 I started havin nightmares each night was like a new clip with blurry spots it would mess up my whole day thinking about it constantly.. then one night in the nightmare it showed me something and for the longest time I thought I was just 5 yrs old and playing and I remember being really really hot to this day but no I blackout my 5 yr old self rewired that dark time I wasn't playing I was running and hiding from him.. it scared me so I went to my mother and sat her down and explainEd my nightmares.. she said very calmly I have something to tell you and told me that they were true and when she found out she tried to help me put me in counseling for 2 years which I don't remember and we moved she said I would never talk about it not to anyone.. I felt like I had a 1,000 piece puzzle stuck in my mind and had to put it together and didn't know how it depressed me wondering ho why? Who? And the nightmares kept coming and coming I began to afraid togo to sleep, I found myself had a cross road wondering can I do this anymore I had been thinking about suicide so much I planned out my funeral every detail and knew I had a choice to make I choice to live and sneaked out help I found a therapist who is amazing and I'm comfortable with she has helping understand that dark time and we are working on my time line I feel like on a scale of 1-10 I'm stuck on 5 and one little thing will set me off.. now the nightmares are here but the story has changed this one I remember some and scared I'm so very scared I don't want to sleep I don't want to see his face I don't want to hear his voice he took so much from me I'm wondering how am I gonna make it.. what's wrong me with me?? Family is telling me my eatting habits have changed I still eat just eat different not sure why but I don't want meat has this happened to anyone.. I feel so crazy.. I find it easier to tell a total stranger I have this then my own family.. they tell me get over it.. it's in your past you have to move forward look at your beautiful family.. and I try I really try but my head hurts I Need it to be quiet and don't want to answer the million questions they ask Please someone help me understand
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