I Want To Heal, But I Just Keep Getting Worse

[OllyBlue]

I've struggled with ptsd/depression/ocd my whole life... I just didn't know that's what they were called until further down the road. I've always been shocked at the love & joy I see other people experience. Lovely families with plenty of food & carefree children just living in the moment, playing in the sun of their beautiful life... I want to know what that's like. I want to sleep at night with no nightmares, I want to feel safe, I want to be carefree, & bring joy to others as my joy grows.

After barely escaping my youth, I was injured at work, was bedridden for 5yrs, then regained mobility after an extensive surgery. Everything got much worse because of that... Not to mention I was broke & unable to continue in my career of over 10yrs. I had to completely start over in my 20's as a disabled woman after working in the same field since I was a preteen. I was abandoned by all whom I believed cared for me as much as I cared for them.

Now I'm married to a man who loves me very much, but he's struggling with anger issues, & have been their entire life with no plan to quel said problem.

I'm at the point where I don't know what to do. Meds don't work (or I haven't found the right ones), meds have horrible side-effects, exercize is challenging (physical limitations & pain), I have 2 people that are my support system & one is my angry husband that just makes everything worse. I have many friends but see them rarely, mostly chat/text now as I am getting worse, they are busy, & I feel ashamed to share what I'm going through with them for multiple reasons.

I'm starting therapy again this week & I'm hoping it helps. I joined this site to hopefully uplift others & be uplifted myself. 💙🙌

There, now you all know me somewhat better than most people I know irl. lol

I wish everyone the best! I do hope you're on the path to happiness & freedom.

We all want to be happy, after all. 💙

#PTSD #MDD #surgery #chronicpain #ocd #strugglingmarriage #depressiontreatment #trauma #abuse #fightingformylife

[gajh]

Hello and Welcome. There is a lot of support available here. I am glad you have joined us. It is good that you are starting with a therapist again. This site has helped me so much, talking to people who understand. I hope the same for you.

[OllyBlue in reply to gajh]

Thank you so much, gajh for your warm welcome & kind words. 💙 I am.happy to be amongst those that understand & have similar experiences of life. I wish you well & thank you, again.

[gajh in reply to OllyBlue]

I just replied to your other reply in my post. I am looking forward to talking to you more.

[OllyBlue in reply to gajh]

Likewise, gajh. 💙

[Dolphin14 Moderator]

MDD_OCD_PTSD

Welcome to the community. This is a very safe and supportive place to share.

You have been through so much. I'm very glad to hear you are restating with a therapist. I do believe we have to talk about trauma to desensitize to it but we have to feel safe to do so.

I hope you find this site helpful

🐬

[OllyBlue in reply to Dolphin14]

Hello 🐬 & thank you so much for the warm welcome. 💙 I was nervous to join but I'm already glad that I did.

Yes, it's hard to afford therapy when work is so slow but I managed to get some free sessions through my insurance. 🙌 Hopefully I can afford to see my therapist every week. Do you go to therapy?

Thank you so much, I hope so too. Thank you for your kind message. 💙

[Dolphin14 Moderator in reply to OllyBlue]

It's so sad that therapy is so hard to get. I'm so glad you were able to attend those free sessions.

Yes, I have been in therapy for 11 years. I have a trauma therapist.

I just completed 10 years of IFS therapy. I've also done EMDR therapy.

So much can improve if we put the work into it.

We are very happy to have you here

[OllyBlue]

Me too. I wish therapy was free for all whom needed it or wanted it. 💙

Wow, that's great! I've only had a handful of sessions with a few therapists that specialize in CBT, trauma, & marriage counseling. I should have been in therapy since early childhood, but I didn't know that I needed it & my family would not have & did not support me.

How did you like IFS & EMDR? I had to Google them (I'm pretty new to therapy) but they seem very interesting.

Agreed. I'm trying to better myself every day. I think everyone is if they're on this site, right? I love it. 💙

Happy to be here & happy that you're here too. Thank you so much. 💙