I grew up in a family that was well known locally and at a statewide level. My dad was known for his being an exceptional basketball coach statewide. All but one brother (out of 6 brothers) played for him. I kept stats for his teams. I adored my dad. But during those years I was suppressing so much I had no idea about my own underlying struggle. I also suppressed having been molested by two of my older brothers and also raped by one. But I loved them so much….I wanted to do as I was told to do for so long and protect my family’s image. I actually believed that one day they would embrace me for my protecting them. Upon graduating from HS I was told by my father that I could pursue what I wanted but that ultimately when I married I belonged to my husband and children. That broke my heart. When, after my first marriage and the birth of my daughter, I started having memories/flashbacks and ferocious nighttime fears there was nobody to be there for me in any way. My husband was in jail on an alcohol and vehicular assault charge. My other family members were horrified with me. Ultimately, I broke the family rules by seeking help and by talking. and nobody from family was going to be by my side in any way. Since then life has been a battle as I have tried to get better, learn, grow, and not lose my compassion for others. For anyone fighting to be both understood and for grabbing hold of your own life and what you know to be the truth I commend you. Hang on and be true to the truth that you know, the value of yourself that you grasp, and the letting go of those times, situations, and people that by whatever incapacity of their own have hurt you so deeply. Neither they nor the circumstances around what they have done can define you or your unique value and worthiness to live and breathe and find your own being. My experiences started very many years ago. It was not until after about 20 years of being away and then returning that I began to suffer at their hands again. Again! But, having left my hometown again…and left siblings once again I am again on track to becoming well…yes, again. I have learned that for me there is no going back…no hoping that somehow, somewhere, something will somehow be better. Nope. Now I simply want to move forward and away from my childhood to better times in my life. I still have my own life to live and it’s my gift, nobody else’s. My turn.
confusing life experiences: I grew up in a... - Heal My PTSD
confusing life experiences
CarnelianAmber
I'm so sorry for all that you have been through.
Trying to do the " right" thing for everyone else takes its toll.
My therapist always told me that a dysfunctional family does not like when someone steps outside of their " norm"
I'm so glad you are separating from them. You will find peace and you deserve that
❤️🐬
I have had years of intensive therapy. My first molestation and then being sodomized happened before I was three by a pedophile who befriended me. It took place over weeks. I had to pick him out of a photo lineup for police. Nothing could be done though because I didn’t have the language to describe what he had done to me. This pedophile actually preferred boys I was later told. It makes me wonder if he victimized my brothers as well. One brother was a child himself when he molested me. I cannot think of my family as horrible, But tragically, horrifically broken annd sick, and always keeping up appearances. As an adult I did tell my parents during a counseling session. My father was horrified, but with me for upsetting my mother. He was very old fashioned and I didn’t know how much so until I reached adulthood. It was devastating. My mom married right out of highschool at 17 years of age. Within one year she graduated from high school, married, turned 18, had her first of 8 children (she lost 2). I cannot even imagine it. My dad set the rules…it was a mans world, men were simply selfish and I had to accept that, I could live how I chose in adulthood until or unless I married and then I was “owned” by my husband and children. A very sad state of affairs…you can imagine my moms role.
Everyone wasn’t awful. Some things certainly were. Please don’t paint all of my siblings as awful. Even my parents were not awful in every way all of the time. It was and is a sick and dysfunctional family for sure. I do need to stay away. But I do also feel sad that this is what I must do. I sincerely hope that others find a way to better health and living.
Sorry. Have deleted my comments.
You have brought up a lot of questions within myself. Questions worth giving attention and consideration to. Thank you.
I believe there's good in everyone, or at least did believe that. Today I try to be a realist and call a spade a spade, Too many people defend the indefensible, yet even though some stories are horrific the teller will make a point of stating their abusers good points, i could never understand why? I now know why. Although I was physically abused ( serious beatings) I realise I have always only told the Good and not the bad. CarnelianAmber, I wish you all the best and hope that by keeping away you can grow stronger, we can't keep making the same excuses for other people's behaviour, we need to find peace, I have to a degree, I am beginning to get stronger even though I'm terrified, terrified of going outside, terrified of seeing people, I can see my Brothers and my Sister's, I miss my older Sister Cathy who passed during Covid. Miss my Mum, Dad ! But I have began at new journey one that should make me stronger Mentally and Physically. All the best Derek
The things that caused incredible damage and pain were real, yes. But a lot of the other stuff that gave me strength, courage, hope among other things were real also. There was a lot of good with the bad. Some siblings I have no interest in seeing again. The ones who deny truth, who would prefer to try to shame me for speaking rather than listen. Others are on their own paths trying to find their own selves. I believe people can change if they choose to do the work which can be extremely difficult in so many ways. I have had to learn that this is solely up to them and their own work to do, not mine. I believe that we can still consider compassion even when we come to understand that nothing will change with some. But with the compassion may be the very real need to absolutely let go and walk away. My parents were products of their generations, cultures, families. I can see that they had to break away and out of the things that would hold them back from what they believed would be a better life. But they brought stuff forward and lived in a time that had very different demands and expectations. I believe that they did their best with what they had. Sometimes it was horrible. Other times it was wonderful.
You have an amazing outlook CarnelianAmber, I don't have many memories due to an "Accident" My Brother is a great guy who tells me things we used to do and the fun we had, he never tells me of any bad events that occurred, if i remember something i ask him if it's a real memory or is it imagined. And he gives an Honest answer. He goes out of his way to make sure he doesn't trigger a bad memory from me. I will take any memory good or bad so I can know how and why the " Accident" occurred was my breakdown a cry for help or was i genuinely giving up? In all honesty I'm glad I don't remember much! I want to "Live" for today not in the past, I would really like to be able to have your sort of outlook because it seems to me you have beaten the badness of the past and are a forgiving person
Thank you for sharing, so courageous. Good luck in finding a way to have the life you want. I made myself a promise, I can't remember when now but probably during therapy, that my abuser, an adult family member and those who shielded them, did not deserve all the airtime they were getting in my sessions. Even though they had impacted my life forever and had escaped any consequences, the consequences for them would be my withdrawal from them. This allowed me to shift my focus to my future and building the life, much belated, that I wanted for myself. I decided it was not my job to analyse the behaviour of someone who had damaged me, that was for someone else. Stay strong, you can do this, we are with you 💕
I love that…”did not deserve all the airtime…” also, the shifting focus… and the “not my job to analyse the behavior of someone who damaged me”. Thank you.
You're welcome, yes refocusing on what I can do now, despite what happened in the past was where I found a, lot of power after feeling dependant and powerless for so long. It's bad that bad things happened but that's not all I am
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