Damn you trigger

My mom confronted me tonight about her concerns. Her concerns were about the PTSD symptoms I've been showing since March found her monitoring my sisters text messages- when I confronted my mother she lied to: myself (31-yrs), my sister (26-yrs), and my father (partner to her since they were 12 & 14 yrs old). This ended up being a trigger for me unexpected as I thought the past had been dealt with ((( I was first exposed to trauma as a toddler being molested by her stepfather, the raped in my sleep in college, then pregnant and almost reluctantly leaving a 3 yr emotional abuse nightmare, came home ))) --- but stupid snooping/lying mom trigger, sends me into this dark place I didn't think I would ever return to, it's been a shitty time.

I need to push forward and not let the weight of swaying or convincing my mother to change or be trustworthy or see things from my perspective be the only way. But is this the only way?

She wants to roll her eyes and think the things I say are hogwash.. Excuses.. Laziness, the usual. But I have worked my life to get to where I was a few short months ago before she triggered me into a black hole. Can I explain to her on some shallow surface level that we can work together now that I know how close I am to getting out of this trigger happy home? I'm sure it's not that easy. This post is too long.

9 Replies

  • The actions of others that display lack of trust, no matter how much sincere the intent, can feel like a betrayal and shaming and add to the difficult situation .

    She should have talked to you privately, expressing her concern and offering support.

    You have the right to express your feelings about the situation. Nobody should feel like they don't have a voice.

    It's hard to get through to someone if they are in highly emotional state so it's better to wait when everybody cools down.

    Maybe she can read about ptsd more and that will help both of you. Maybe you could explain that you were triggered.

    Leaving home is a big step and it can be a blessing but also brings its own difficulties.

  • I get it. I get angry too when I get triggered and the adrenaline starts and it is not my fault and many people don't understand. Gentle on ourselves. Give it time, takes time for trigger response to calm down....me too, doing the same, I get the anger at PTSD and how difficult it is to control an automatic response in the body...

  • Of course you will feel upset and angry if your mother is snooping around in your things and lying about it. She may rationalise that in her own mind by saying it was for your own good, but she just railroaded through your private boundaries and I'm not surprised that was a trigger for you.

    She would have done this in the past, leaving you with no privacy or dignity. It's impossible to change your mother at this stage, but you could maybe explain (calmly) what effect that had on you and that it triggered strong emotions from the past. You had been doing so well before this.

    The way you feel is normal, so don't be put down by her/them saying you over-reacted etc. Hold onto the hope of being able to move out. It would be a good thing to leave that environment as it sounds a bit destructive for you. Don't rush it, but hold onto the hope that life will get better when you are out on your own. You may have some challenges, but you will overcome them. I hope you have someone around that you can talk to, whether a friend or therapist.

    You might find that when you are out of the home, you will be able to talk to your mother on a more adult level. Living at home, we all tend to revert to the usual family roles since childhood. We can't find our true voice. That's how it is with me anyway. I'm also looking to move out, but for financial reasons I can't rush it.

  • Thank you. You're right finances have kept me home longer than I planned. I started my own business because it's hard to live at home with so many triggers and work for anyone else, so it's taking some time. I realized, in a moment of clarity, that I have been letting my lack of self confidence work against me as I have been under billing clients at ridiculous level. So that is changing.. Gradually :)

  • Hi Hun your mother overstepped her boundaries as a mother I would never have thought about invading my daughters (I have twin daughters! ) privacy unless they wanted me too! I think it would be helpful if your mum and you together could look at some PTSD brochures together or would that cause problems? If she won't do this for you take matters into your own hands keep your phone or laptop locked don't let her invade your privacy Hun that's not fair on you! Even though you are living at home she MUST respect you! Big hugs for you xxx🌻

  • Thank you Colliedogs4me I have a two1/2 yr old who knows and uses the word "privacy" on an almost daily basis. It's a lot like andrea_27 replied, at the end of the day (literally), when we come home-- my sister and I lose our voice. It's so wonderful to have support and perspective from you both because it really does allow for a shift inside my mind --so that instead of coming home, becoming a child again and rebuilding on a daily basis.. I know that this is temporary and I can maintain my dignity and self respect when I leave the office and head home. Thank you both. This site has been my saving grace in a time I felt so lost and I know this is a part of me, but it doesn't have to be the end of me.

  • Terrifiedbravery your very welcome! Your mum needs to let you girls grow into the young women that you are! If that had been me my daughters would have gone mental at me! I would not have thought about doing it anyway! Ok your mum is thinking she's looking out for you but she's not! Maybe you and your sister should sit down with her and talk about respect and privacy after all she wouldn't like you to do it to her! Hope things work out for you fingers crossed 😊🌻xxx

  • Im just trying really hard to stay focused and positive about getting out of here. I have been making less income as an attorney than when I was waitressing, so I'm learning to value myself and my time and work. It's a process, this whole learning thing :)

  • Hun your doing great your trying to improve yourself and your life ! Don't let your mum get you down you have only one life, live it for you and your daughter! Come on here vent your problems we will listen no one will judge you! Take care 😟🌻x

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