After several weeks of online searching, reading forums, and emailing various supporters for help i finally made the call today. It was so hard. To say it out loud is to make it real again, to prove i am crazy like ive been told since i was a child. Im to go to visit a mental health advocate in the morning. I dont really know what to say or how to say it. My greatest fear is seperation or loss of my dog, my only friend, my only family. For 7 years my little jack russell has been my only reason for living. He senses my panic attacks, my depression, anger, hopelesness, and he is always forever there for me accordingly. The fear of losing him is overwhelming. I know nobody will understand. Living with my clueless boyfriend, he does not even want to understand whats wrong with me. Im just trying to get attention, pity, sympathy, im messing up his life. He asks why cant i just move on- i must like feeling depressed. Why dont i get up and get a job, why do i spend some days locked in a room? I try to tell him i dont like this feeling its aweful. Im trying to get help, im trying to cope. He doesnt see how something from childhood can effect me now. He doesnt understand my sons recent smear campaign has brought back that which i thought i learned to cope with several years ago. He says move on, but that means forever living with this thing, taking over my thoughts and actions. He makes me feel more worthless and unloved than i already do. I must get away from this man who does not care, therefore must not love me. Why am i so hard to love? Ive always wondered that, and the answer is always silence. I hope i can get help with medical care, housing, a job, and all things normal people have, tomorrow. I fear the loss of my dog more than ive ever been afraid of anything, ever. What if they try to hospitalize me? Where will they haul my dog off to? What if i have nowhere to go with my dog? Id rather live in the streets and have him! I am so lost, alone, and afraid- its the story if my life.