Hard to love

After several weeks of online searching, reading forums, and emailing various supporters for help i finally made the call today. It was so hard. To say it out loud is to make it real again, to prove i am crazy like ive been told since i was a child. Im to go to visit a mental health advocate in the morning. I dont really know what to say or how to say it. My greatest fear is seperation or loss of my dog, my only friend, my only family. For 7 years my little jack russell has been my only reason for living. He senses my panic attacks, my depression, anger, hopelesness, and he is always forever there for me accordingly. The fear of losing him is overwhelming. I know nobody will understand. Living with my clueless boyfriend, he does not even want to understand whats wrong with me. Im just trying to get attention, pity, sympathy, im messing up his life. He asks why cant i just move on- i must like feeling depressed. Why dont i get up and get a job, why do i spend some days locked in a room? I try to tell him i dont like this feeling its aweful. Im trying to get help, im trying to cope. He doesnt see how something from childhood can effect me now. He doesnt understand my sons recent smear campaign has brought back that which i thought i learned to cope with several years ago. He says move on, but that means forever living with this thing, taking over my thoughts and actions. He makes me feel more worthless and unloved than i already do. I must get away from this man who does not care, therefore must not love me. Why am i so hard to love? Ive always wondered that, and the answer is always silence. I hope i can get help with medical care, housing, a job, and all things normal people have, tomorrow. I fear the loss of my dog more than ive ever been afraid of anything, ever. What if they try to hospitalize me? Where will they haul my dog off to? What if i have nowhere to go with my dog? Id rather live in the streets and have him! I am so lost, alone, and afraid- its the story if my life.

8 Replies

  • Good for you! You are taking the first step in reclaiming your life! Mental health experts should understand about your need for your dog.... One step at a time.... it is hard, but you are not crazy, you can't just get over it and move on. We all know that... but you will have a life. It may not be what you're used to, but it will be yours!

    Hoping all goes well with the advocate. Keep us posted. :)

  • I don't think you can move on until you take him out of your life. My dogs crown around me when I have a panic attack. They are so loyal. I so understand what you mean about not liking this feeling. You can do this and crazy is a word others use about us. If we are then so be it but at least we are good people. Take care and just do your best one day at a time.

  • I also have jack Russell's! I understand why you are worried about loosing him... My Skooch is 11 years old and Kutter is 4. These little guys only live to about 16 years old! It is painful to think about loosing them for any reason!

    Skooch has had puppies though! I've seen that all of them have made great companions, Skooch is a good teacher, she teaches the puppies! The puppies from her last litter have been leaving for a few weeks now... It's sad to see them go, but satisfying to find them really good families to go to! ( I make them come visit their puppy for a few weeks before they take them home!) two havnt found families yet... I'm still looking for good ones!

    I would rather go homeless than let someone take them from me!

    It's not crazy! Though!!!

    Crazy is doing something that dosnt work, but continuing to do it thinking you'll get a different result! Your little boy is obviously helping you! Be firm in your resolve not to allow anyone to seperate him from you!

    Oh yea... Loose the boyfriend! Not the dog!

  • I think the first step in your recovery is getting rid of the negative things in your life both internal & external , you are not 'crazy' but you are coping , PTSD is not 'easy' to get over since it affects how you physically feel, it's ingrained in both the body & the mind . Your boyfriend is both unsupportive & disrespectful, & the first thing you need to do is start fighting for yourself & not allow him or anyone else to put you down in such a way, you've been through enough. Unfortunately we live in a world where no one will truly protect us but ourselves , so relying on others may not work out so well. I could write more but I sincerely think you should specifically find a medical professional who specializes in PTSD or childhood trauma or whatever it is you are dealing with, you can find one on psychology today website . & you also should get rid of your boyfriend & cut him out of your life if that is feasibly possible, since you don't need someone who is only going to put you down & invalidate what you are going through .

  • It doesn't matter who the disrespectful bullies are in our life. Family, friends, employers we need to see them for what they really are. They are usually demeaning and undermining us so they feel strong and powerful. My circle of family is my husband and three sons. I have maybe ten serious supportive friends. The rest want to visit so they can gossip. They are mean and cruel. I may have major issues but I would much rather be me than someone who surrounds themselves with so many people not realising or caring that their relationships are so superficial and they are all stabbing one another in the back. I think we see the world all too clearly that is why we are where we are now. But at least we can also see the good people. Not perfect people no=one is but people without an agenda. I have seen so many people and yet more to come. My employer will keep going until someone says what they want to hear I am not sick. I would love to hear that. So far they are not having any luck. They have been trying for almost a year. I have a lawyer, union rep and therapist, also an excellent GP. My husband is just lovely as are my sons. I just want to move on I am 56 but want my full pensions as most of my issues are work related. They want to dismiss me because of ill health and not retire me because of ill health. My point is lnlyiso1 I cannot get rid of my main negative influence (my employer) because I am doing battle with them. But the person you live with. there is no point fighting him. Just banish him from your life. He is using you to make him feel in control. You deserve better than that. He certainly does not deserve you. There is a quality to people like us. We love unconditionally that means there are those who will take the P***. Good Luck and look after yourself. Remember you deserve better. x23 has said the same.

  • Wow! Big step for you. I applaud your efforts on your own behalf. Best to take each moment as it comes as it sounds as though you've been in a fragile state for some time without much needed support. The concern about your dog is understandable, I am hoping that someone will step up and realize the loss for your pet as well. Keep coming back here as I am finding it a safe and supportive place. No criticism, just understanding.

    I stepped away from a relationship such as you describe. It was a confusing and difficult choice, but it is the first step in learning to love myself. Be gentle with yourself and take it one day at a time.

  • Many people try to elevate themselves by putting others down, this is called bullying. Don't allow that in your life for one more second. You can't change a bully, only they can change themselves. The dogs sound wonderful and if I could I would have another one. Problem for me is I want the freedom to come and go as I want to and placing a dog in kennels while I do this is not an option as I did do this once when I had my beautiful bi hon. When I got him back he stands OF dog feaces and had not been brushed daily so had matted fur. Never again, he was an indoor dog and the first thing I had to do when I got him home was bath him and then take him to the groomers and have him shorn back to get the matting out.

  • Good luck to you and let us know how you get on.

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