Erased

It's so sad . You know ?

When a victim of abuse

Has to find themselves

Over & over

again

Throughout life

They have to find out

who they are

& what

they are wondering ,

Why ?

not by how they were taught , but by what they believe .

What do we believe When we are slaughtered ? Drained . Hung dry of all life ? of all meaning ? nothing remaining . ?

Do We rely on ourselves ?

What we are taught ?

Or rely on the world ?

Others around us

takes more than a thought

We had been robbed

Robbed

Of Our Safety

Our Hope

Our peace

Just nothingness

Pure lies & just bitterness

No happiness

No nothing

Till the point of non existence

I do not feel guilty

by blaming

The perpetrator

Who Thinks on his own

That he is right & somehow justified

& that I somehow owe him

A total eclipse

of the truth if I ever heard it .

I told him

On his deathbed

You can go fuck yourself

[LCull63]

I'm so sorry you feel so betrayed and angry. I felt like that for years now I am just disappointed with the provision of services to help people like us to recover. I was fortunate that by the time my abuser was dying I had completely resolved my feelings toward him and he no longer had the power to influence my life in any way.

I hope you will find peace, take care

[Hidden in reply to LCull63]

Thank you for taking the time to read my post & comment. I agree with the disappointment with services, I think plenty of that has to do with being mis- diagnosed. I had been for many years. I'm at the place where, in my mind at least, my abuser no longer exists. That writing was shortly after our last conversation a month back, it brought back old feelings.

It's great when they no longer have the power to influence your life, I'm glad you found that freedom. Thanks again & take care.

[Hidden]

A very deep and heart felt poem. I do understand the pain and most of the feelings you describe about your abuser. The real challenge is to heal despite the abuse. The real snub to the abuser is to actually have a happy life. There is a way to do it. Each one of us have progressed in their own unique ways and at their own and unique amount of time to do it, but it can be done. In my case the abuse was multi-generational so each person passed the abuse down to the next person. I decided that the chain will stop with me. I feel a great satisfaction that my two children will not feel the since of betrayal, the lack of trust, the fear, the anger, the sadness, the lack of hope that I endured. I have accomplished that. They are not trouble free but they have a much greater quality of life. I joke with friends that my kids are going to go to therapy when they get older and complain to their therapist that that darn Dad of mine was so aggravating that he kept kissing me on the cheek and telling me that I love you way too much. He was so embarrassing and I am traumatized because of it. Oh what problems my kids have. They will never known what I went through to be so embarrassing.

Keep posting your "stuff" x_23. I can relate.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for reading my post & taking the time to reply. You know it's funny, if I were successful in life, my abuser would gladly take all the credit, not realizing the struggle I had to get through to get to success in the first place. & what is success ? For some people it's an education, great job, kids...

It is nice to have that satisfaction of being free from the influence of your oppressors, & to have a chance to raise your children the right way & break that chain. When I was younger, I used to think of all the ways I would treat my children differently, all the ways I would do it better & give them all the things that I grew up lacking. My father was the opposite. He lacked , so therefore my siblings & I should have had no complaints so long as we were clothed & fed.

I'm at the age (39) now where I know having kids is not feasible for me. & I no longer have the desire . Some people are not meant to have them.

But I'm glad your kids get to receive all of your love & kindness. They are lucky to have you as a dad

[GeminiDancer Major Contributor in reply to Hidden]

So true x_23. 2 yrs ago I went to my paternal grandmother's funeral after not seeing anyone on my dad's side of the family for 20yrs. My dad was there and I gave him my condolences much to my fiance's horror, I talked to him for about 5min....well, really he did all the talking....which was good b/c after 5min any curiousity I had was satisfied that he hadn't changed. My fiance was so angry that my dad was introducing me to his coworkers as "his daughter." I was like, "well, I am his daughter...what else would he introduce me as?" My fiance was so angry b/c my dad "was taking credit for me." Meanwhile the fact that I'm living and have achieved all that I have is nothing short of miraculous given what he did to me since the time I was born.

So you're right...they gladly take credit or see any "success" and just think..."hey, I didn't do too bad...look how she turned out." He looked so pathetic when I saw him I felt bad for him...as I did my whole life which only fed into his "grooming" of me. As an adult, I'd always been a sucker for the "pathetic" and would seem to attract them to me unconsciously and "support" them.

Now there's seems like nothing but rage left. I've gone through periods in therapy where the rage was accurately aimed against my dad but for the majority of my life I still can only feel sad/bad for him. The rage exists and falls out all over everything/everyone else...but he always seems immune to it for some reason. I want to just let it all go. It doesn't feel like it's within my control to do. it feels so much bigger than my free will or volition. Sorry for rambling on tangents.

I don't have children and am 37 so likely never going to happen. I never grew up wanting them. Never felt like I wanted them. I agree and think some people aren't meant to have them. I've been tormented by it through my 30's though b/c EVERYONE relentlessly tells me I'd be such a great mom and would treat my kids so well b/c of all that I've learned and overcome in my childhood. They also tell me if I had kids I'd be "distracted" and fulfilled and wouldn't be so self absorbed and depressed. They act like if I had kids I wouldn't have time to have PTSD. I've never felt that way and only recently began to consider if they might be right. I always thought the opposite...that my PTSD would hinder and disable me from being the kind of parent I would expect myself to be. I know it can go either way. I just never could take the chance.

[Hidden in reply to GeminiDancer]

Thank you for your reply. It's interesting being in this community & seeing how many similarities in behavior we all share. I too, used to be a 'sucker' for the pathetic. Since I was a child actually. It seemed I attracted all the riff raf, & with that came unhealthy & dysfunctional relationships. Eventually I learned to sever myself from these people, but it is hard to find healthy friendships when one is used to dysfunction. It's as though we have to learn what healthy is, & now that I know what it is by learning the hard way, my desire or belief that I can truly 'connect' with someone else has virtually been obliterated.

Don't let others words influence whether or not you desire to have children. it is something that requires not only emotional health, but financial stability. I used to think that fostering childlren would be my ideal scenario. Perhaps that may be an option for you as well.

[GeminiDancer Major Contributor in reply to Hidden]

Totally agree with what you say above.

Funny, I always thought I would adopt or foster if I were ever to "have"children as well. I think people like us, more than most, know all too well what it feels like to be a forgotten, lost, abandoned child desperate for real love and nurturing. I think of all the children who already exist and so desperately need and deserve love and care...that might be a way to do it someday.

[Nathalie99 Partner in reply to Hidden]

I am at the same age as you (will turn 39 later this year) and I can't give up the dream of having my own family one day. My boyfriend of 7 years is very ill, I am struggling myself and have tumors in uterus so that's not really likely to happen.

I feel like I'm torn between still trying to have a child, meaning get better and fast and then just try...or accept that it won't happen but it's too painful to accept it. I feel very lost...all I wanted was to have a job, get married and have my own family. That dream is shattered and it hurts and I can't accept it or go past the pain. Like I'm still trying to think "maybe someday" but it feels hopeless...

[Hidden in reply to Nathalie99]

I understand it may be painful to realize you may never have children. You mention it as part of your dream, but is that dream really yours ? Or is it something society has conditioned you to believe , that it is the ideal scenario? Having a great job is good. Everyone would like to be financially independent. Being in a marriage is an ideal for many people, but the reality is , it's not that blissful as the romance novels make it seem. many people marry for the wrong reasons, bring children into the world & then destroy any chance of raising the child in a stable household through marital strife & divorce. The dream may be shattered , & it may hurt terribly, but it doesn't mean that your life is over.

[Nathalie99 Partner in reply to Hidden]

It is my dream. I guess I always wanted to have my own family completely different from my own childhood.

I know it's not blissful but I think I'm more scared of being alone and like nobody would even notice...that sort of thing.

[GeminiDancer Major Contributor]

Your post is so powerful and spoke to my deepest core. I struggle with everything exactly as you wrote it. Externally, it seems like I should be "better"/OK after all these years. What I can't get across to anyone is that I was slaughtered. I was killed...any "me" was destroyed before it was ever allowed to exist...and now I'm supposed to "be me"..."find myself".... It's like I'm a zombie, the "undead"....all that was important was destroyed within me before me was allowed to exist but I was cruelly expected to continue on and live "as if"...nothing happened as I carry ALL THE RESPONSIBILITY of the seemingly impossible task of healing and becoming whole. It makes me feel exactly like your last sentiment above.