Seeking Friendly Advice

I am getting married. I have been caught up in a whirlwind romance with a man 22 years my senior (he is 84 to my 62) and he is wonderful. He is wealthy and wise and funny and loving. He treats me so kindly and in a tender way that I have not experienced in a long time. I met him on the internet and have known him for less than a month. I just came back from spending four days with him and it was pure bliss. I have been able to personally check and verify much of what he has told me about who he is and what he has (Vietnam vet, ex-pilot, 34 years military service). But my friends are worried about me. Indeed it seems impulsive to marry someone on such short acquaintance but as you will note by our ages, time's a wastin'. I believe he checks out and my spidey senses are good on this. I know many of you have deep insights and life experience you could bring to this scenario. Any thoughts?

7 Replies

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  • How wonderful you have met such a nice man Maggiemax and I'm very pleased for you! I agree with your friends and would certainly not marry after only having known him for a month. Enjoy getting to know him some more! Have you met his family/friends, him as a person as part of a wider community? You can only enhance and deepen your sense of him as a person. He may check out on the life experiences but I would just wait and get to know him a lot lot better before getting married. Just my opinion. I know of plenty of folk like yourself living together, but keeping their finances/houses separate. If your relationship were not to work out then there could be a lot to lose especially at this stage of life for you.

  • How do your friends feel about him? Sometimes my friends will pick up on things that I don't notice, and they're a good barometer, in case my eyes have been blinded by love.

    It's been my experience that people can be really charming during the courting phase, but it's only over time that you get to know how they truly are in life. More time spent with him would certainly be good right now.

    If he's a Vietnam vet, he's likely got PTSD, and may have anger issues that he might be concealing right now. You won't know about that until you spend more time with him.

    Time's a wastin', true - but time well spent can lessen heartache or pain later. I think your friends are wise - go slow.

    Who's pushing to marry quickly - you, or him? If it's him, it brings up the "why" question. Something feels a little off with this situation - and that's just my personal feeling. You are there, you know the situation, and have seen what you have seen.

    I hope this is a wonderful situation for you, and I'm pulling for this to be an amazing outcome for you! :)

  • I can't add anything to what Dan H has said.

    In such a short time people are able to hide the negative side to themselves.

    That said I hope whatever you do goes well.

  • I'm 63 so I get the times a a wasting thing but the comments above raise some good questions that I would want to get answered first.

  • Can you get the police to do a background check on him? See if he has a criminal record etc... any "official" information you can get on him will help. I also agree with those who realize that there are many people who hide the bad stuff until they get you tied to them, and then it's too late. I'd also try to find out about any financial or medical issues he may have. Don't run into it blind... does he have family members you could talk privately, confidentially with?

    Having said all of that, it's wonderful that you have found such a caring man!! Even if you don't get married right away, you can enjoy his companionship and grow closer and closer over time. There are so many adventures you can have without marriage, even at his age. Enjoy the time you have as you get to know him. :) Have fun, enjoy his tenderness, but be careful! Take care of yourself.... :)

  • You have all been so wise and kind with your advice. I see themes here that I should be paying attention to and I will. AnyaC, I have run a criminal background check on him and I am satisfied with the results. He has given me his son's phone number in Texas (also a commercial airline pilot) and we will talk in the next few days. He has yet to meet my friends and family who are understandably anxious to chip in their own two cents on him. All cautions noted and appreciated. Proceeding slowly and joyfully.

  • I am married. September 18, 2015. Kissimmee, Florida. I did not ignore your advice and followed up on much of it. Ultimately I went with my heart and "inner knowing." I am sure about us in a way that does not necessarily compute logically. Of course I will check in here as issues arise and for marital advice (heads up, AnyaC!). Wish us both well and a safe journey. We will soon see if my 35+ years of counselling for PTSD and associated issues have paid off with a stable, joyous relationship with the man I adore.

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