Living with PTSD

I have sat staring at this screen wondering how to put everything into words that are not totally negative, angry and at the same time oozing low mood. I was diagnose with PTSD eight months ago. I thought okay couple of months I will be fine. WRONG. I am much much worse. The physical injuries I can live with but I have isolated myself and feel that this body I have lived with for 55 years is not my own and that when I try to do normal everyday things my body says NO. Categorically no by shaking vomitting dizziness. I have infected wounds on my body which will not heal as I rip away at them in my anxious state. I am booked in for counselling Late June. Referred by a nice lady at victim support. I am not a victim I am not weak as a rule. Always had a high risk career and now I am ashamed of my current clinical condition which has been the cause of me leaving the house a total of six times in the last 8 months. That was to walk my dogs in quiet solitary places.

This is not a question how to cure myself. It is to enable me to speak with people who understand because in my world they really do not.

M

[Joyfranklin]

Hello M...I think our situations are different. However, the part where you say you have no one who understands is my issue as well. My trauma was one of betrayal. Three years later, while still trying to heal, the one person (closest friend) who seemed to"get it" revealed that she never understood at all. I feel betrayed once again. Just wanted to tell you that you are not alone in feeling alone in your recovery.

[Hidden in reply to Joyfranklin]

Hey

Most people are very fickle. We want and expect everyone to be living to our standards. Sorry honey they do not. You will find someone of a true nature who is honest reliable and loyal. It truly does take time and it will happen when you least expect it. We always have hope x

[Hidden in reply to Joyfranklin]

Thank you

Situations are not the issue it is our scars physical and clinical. We are both traumatise for different reasonsl Our issue is trying to heal so the ones who did this do not win. x

[Joyfranklin]

Hope is wonderful. I had given up on hope. Three counsellors, searching the internet, books, etc. and no hope of even one person understanding. Three years I searched. Then I read "infidelity is not just abuse...it's traumatic." In the article I found a podcast by Michelle R. Bought her book. Joined this site. And now I have some hope. Bless you Margaret!

[Hidden in reply to Joyfranklin]

Bless you too joy. Life is so tough and abusive. Usually because of our fellow human beings. Who knew it could be this traumatic. I wish you well. x M

[ThesySurface]

Hey M

I think what I can share with you here is that unfortunately the only thing that makes things better is time. You sound like me in terms of your frustration. I was so ashamed of the person I was (and maybe sometimes still am) at the worst of my PTSD experience. Vomiting, fear of the outside world, off kilter, like mind and body are separate...just in so much pain because I knew I was not "right." But self-disgust only slows the healing process and as someone who battled with it initially in pretty unhealthy ways I'd say anger towards the you as you are now can be pretty destructive. So do all you can to build up your self-esteem and self-love (especially at this hard point)...say to yourself "you know what, I don't leave the house right now as much and that's okay." you will get better (and might even go back to the old you and old habits) but for now you just gotta be fine with being damaged and most of all protecting yourself and feeding good vibes to yourself while you are going through the repercussions of PTSD.

I used to be the most impatient girl and one things for sure, PTSD symptoms changed that cause, again, keeping at getting better, every day, psychologically doing all the exercises over and over, over time was the only thing that worked.

So don't be too hard on yourself

[Hidden in reply to ThesySurface]

Hey thank you T I am a work in progress. My amazing GP called me broken. My problem is I am mutilating my body because if people around you cannot see a broken arm leg etc. Then they forget you are ill and all things that come with it

M

[GeminiDancer Major Contributor]

Think u hit it spot on with self acceptance and self love. Wish I knew why it's the hardest thing. I know its the key to everything which makes it all the more frustrating for it to evade me. We can't heal in self loathing. I'm really starting to fully grasp this. Now if I could fully open and truly accept myself I think it would have huge positive effects!

[Hidden in reply to GeminiDancer]

I agree gemini I am trying to roll with this ptsd. It is a massive part of me. It is part of my personality, sense of humour (which can be really wrong) and my everyday. I dont think we should focus on getting rid of it. We should focus on living with it and developing coping strategies. I got up today and knew it was a bad day for trembling, and getting all my words wrong. My hubby made me go for a two hour walk with the dogs. Which was tough but felt better that I had achieved this. Now we are watching a movie he is on leave. I come on here when he is outside having a cigarette. I have told him about this but also asked that he does not look at it. I need to be clear I do not think we should accept our clinical condition but we should give ourselves time and not try desperately to be cured as I feel this makes it worse.

I am not using my real name on here. Are you a gemini. I am too

Mx

[GeminiDancer Major Contributor in reply to Hidden]

Totally agree with you! And yes, I'm a Gemini😃