PTSD - Kundalini

[jamie2727]

I know I have PTSD. But there never was an event, or a person that did something to me. I have been through over 10 years of therapy ranging from councilors to behaviorists to Psychiatrists. Something just broke inside of me at the age of 22. I am 48 now.

My life had it's ups and downs up until 22. I had losses and victories. I went with the flow of it all. Holding onto joys, mourning losses, taking care of myself when I was challenged by something, Carving out time to just be. Had few, but great meaningful relationships. I rode the wave of life.

And then it changed. Everything changed.

One of my therapists suggested that I had an unprepared kundalini experience. I asked her what she meant. She explained, in yoga terms, that it is an experience of bliss but can come with profound negative side effects. She said it's like realizing that you are in this world, but not of it.

My jaw dropped because I had always said that ever since I was a kid.

She asked, "What did that saying mean to you?" I said it was simple. "You become an observer of your thoughts, emotions, events in your life, actions taken or not taken, etc .You feel the feelings and let them pass through you and over you. That's what made life fulfilling and real to me."

Then it all just stopped - and I not trying to figure why it did anymore - I am burying that self analysis. I am convinced there is no cathartic moment for me. I have worked too hard trying to find a reason behind the years of panic attacks, the identity loss, the relationship loss - the why is not the answer.

Jamie

[Hidden]

Your comment "the why is not the answer" reminded me of something said to me many years ago by a wise old man:

Understanding is the booby prize of life, ACTION is the beginning of wisdom.

[jamie2727 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks Carl. I appreciate that wisdom.

[GeminiDancer Major Contributor in reply to Hidden]

I've been obsessed with understanding most of my life. I wish I had the courage and motivation to take ACTION.

[jamie2727 in reply to GeminiDancer]

What in your life needs action taken Gemini?

[GeminiDancer Major Contributor in reply to jamie2727]

New job. We'd been looking for a house for so long we gave up. There's just been no movement in my life for a long time.

[thnksbodn]

Hey! I don't know if this is still something you're suffering from, but I had a similar experience myself, with LSD rather than direct kundalini, although from what I can tell it's the same kind of principal. I don't know kundalini intimately - it sounds as though you might wish to know more about it if you don't already, and for this I recommend the second book of the Aghora trilogy by Robert Svoboda, a very popular series of books about Hindu philosophy. As a side note on kundalini, apparently it's very unwise to consciously mess with it, in case you ever thought to try..

My experience with the LSD, or one of the latest ones at least, essentially forced me to realise this very fact, in the most direct way possible, and it drove me absolutely mental. I went to a Buddhist monastery for two weeks and slowly pieced my mind back together, it didn't help fully, but it helped a lot. I then made the same mistake of taking more acid, and it put me right back. This happened early this year, and I then spent 2/3ds of the summer at the monastery which helped immensely with my PTSD, and the separate problem of my acid realisations. Essentially what I'm trying to bring forward from this is that I had a massively depersonalising experiences, coupled with great anxiety and identity loss, and it sounded similar to as you described. When I went to the monastery all the monks and nuns seemed to have channelled the same kind of feeling that I think we shared (though I may be wrong). Perhaps looking to Eastern philosophy and finding the beauty of being in but not of the world could help you?

[jamie2727 in reply to thnksbodn]

Hi, Thanks for the reply and shared thoughts of your experience with depersonalization and identity loss. I was not pursuing any hindu or budhist practice relating to Kiundalini - nor did I practice Yoga. Having these things acknowledged that I wasn't pursuing a discipline to create a change in me, it was suggested to me my a practicing eastern consult that I stumbled into an involuntary kundalini experience at the time of my life because I was creating a year and half of freely changing who I was while all the same just being.

It is interesting to note that you have referred "being in this world but not of it". That was a phrase I had used since the age of 10 to describe who I was and how I existed in this world. Again, I was never exposed to any eastern thought or practice never mind the concept and meaning of the phrase - it came about innately - from an inner place - never heard it before.

I can not relate to LSD, but I have heard some incredible experiences and effects from it. I am sorry that you had negative effects from it - but it sounds like you are in a better place. Peace be with you.