I know I have PTSD. But there never was an event, or a person that did something to me. I have been through over 10 years of therapy ranging from councilors to behaviorists to Psychiatrists. Something just broke inside of me at the age of 22. I am 48 now.
My life had it's ups and downs up until 22. I had losses and victories. I went with the flow of it all. Holding onto joys, mourning losses, taking care of myself when I was challenged by something, Carving out time to just be. Had few, but great meaningful relationships. I rode the wave of life.
And then it changed. Everything changed.
One of my therapists suggested that I had an unprepared kundalini experience. I asked her what she meant. She explained, in yoga terms, that it is an experience of bliss but can come with profound negative side effects. She said it's like realizing that you are in this world, but not of it.
My jaw dropped because I had always said that ever since I was a kid.
She asked, "What did that saying mean to you?" I said it was simple. "You become an observer of your thoughts, emotions, events in your life, actions taken or not taken, etc .You feel the feelings and let them pass through you and over you. That's what made life fulfilling and real to me."
Then it all just stopped - and I not trying to figure why it did anymore - I am burying that self analysis. I am convinced there is no cathartic moment for me. I have worked too hard trying to find a reason behind the years of panic attacks, the identity loss, the relationship loss - the why is not the answer.