I have been struggling in my relationship when I’m triggered. It doesn’t help that we both have almost the same severity of trauma and mental illnesses but I have been seeking support and treatment for years while my partner does it all alone/pretending it’s not there. But when he is triggered and sets me off you cannot even tell how much work I’ve put in. I get triggered, baited, hooked and I am saying things I don’t want to say and being all the way outside of character. It doesn’t seem to matter how far I get-meditating, exercising, eating healthy, religion, working in mental health field and all the extra things I have invested into being my best self…I can guard myself against it with love and empathy for days or weeks at a time but then as if he is miserable and does not like seeing me content and stable he will start picking and picking. Then blame me and accuse me of starting it all! I think he believes this too! I want to keep working towards becoming my best self before walking away and maybe suffering for it. But during this process I keep being dragged back down. I know there is a good chance that he doesn’t realize how offensive he is. He probably really believes he is the victim. But shouldn’t I be able to forgive and overlook this since I know he is probably triggered? See, I have to guess when he is because he is not open and honest about his triggers so this makes it difficult as well.
Anyone understand what this is and/or have some support or advice for my relationship situation? Thank you all for listening. This is actually why I joined this platform today but it looks like I’m going to love it!❤️I am posting this in a couple groups hoping to find some good advice that resonates with me and helps me go forward with a new perspective or options.
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Pet_Collector
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Well that is comforting that you understand. Thank you for the reply. That alone made me feel less alone. And as for what you had to say, thank you again. I know when I get upset like this I come off as harsh when I reach out for support, because I feel like I cannot really turn to my inner support because they get tired of hearing it and tell me to leave. And I understand where they are coming from as well. It makes for a very lonely situation and feeling unheard and misunderstood constantly. Thanks again.
there are a few options. I left my ex because I put a stipulation that he gets mental help and I gave him a year. He went to 3 sessions and thought he was good. Nothing changed. It sucks that we couldn’t make it work, but we are now friends on fb and talking about our lives since we moved on.
My current partner and I did trigger each other for a few years before we learned to communicate better. Open communication is key. He and I talk openly about what triggers us and we help each other avoid those situations or have learned to walk away when we have triggered the other. Yes, we let it go, but only if we still respected each other and walked away so we could calm down. Sometimes we revisit the situation and try to figure out why we were triggered and either create a boundary or a plan to help each other in the future. We also try not to blame each other and use I statements (I get triggered/frustrated when…).
if he doesn’t want to see a professional, you two can explore treatment together like I do with my partner. However, he is thinking old school when he doesn’t think he needs therapy. He could try Telehealth. He also may feel a lot better if he gets meds. I like the saying “you wouldn’t avoid a doctor for a broken bone, so why avoid one for mental health?” You could try couples counseling too. You two could learn to communicate better.
Breaks my heart for these stories. You sound very strong though and very oriented around what is happening. Once I finally found a trauma counselor, things totally changed for me in a good way. So happy you are doing therapy and do what works for you. My husband is really even and flat. He doesn't understand my mood swings, as an example. I don't even have a mood disorder.....I feel like he is way off due to lack of total empathy (outside of me). When I am triggered, it goes south fast and my husband doesn't realize when he piles on and on and on. I've taken the recent tactic of one/two word answers, but still with a smile. Lots of please and thank you. Back to the basics of when you met. If you do nice things for him and he continues to try to cope alone, I would be heavily looking at a temp split. Not for sure, every situation is unique. I hate saying this, but I am looking for some time away from my husband. I am physically disabled. He gets to go out and do all the things he loves, but sometimes he'll stay home. It broke my heart when he said to me recently that he is just going to live his life. Hang in there. See advice that the decision will come to you in time....I totally agreed with that comment.
Hi Pet_Collector. I haven't come across such a couple's group yet.... but hoping one is there. But otherwise, we are also here for you for any PTSD-issues and happy to be here to listen
Hi Pet-Collector very nice to meet you. Im wondering if i wrote your post! oh it is more lonely to be alone with someone than without. you know the meaning. For me i do the best i can do with the disability i have. Noone asks for it. it is part of life. and the promises at marraige are made mostly when everything is ok. all these things give experience. i journal i pray i try new ideas..."I" am the one who really did it all. One day i said you plan out things you enjoy with me by your side. now over 8 years...its bad..i couldnt keep up the Do It All Woman....and i find..it wore me down and he was never there anyway. I want people happy not hurt. Find things you love...it still hurts but you keep going. Cant change anyone but yourself and that means a team. you are in the right place here. people really do pray and really do care. sending a hug.
Thank you so much. It is funny to me, ever since I wrote this post and we went to church Sunday everything has been back to normal. I know know know we belong together because we understand one another in ways that are impossible for others. But when he or the both of us are triggered, it gets so ugly. We have talked and talked about it, but certain things get both of us past the point of thinking rationally when we get into it.
I really appreciate all the comments. When I opened up and saw this I truly felt like I was given 5-6 understanding hugs Lol! I am so glad I posted, even though I get embarrassed for putting my business out there. I can’t get support if I don’t open up I guess. Thanks everyone. 😊
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