Big shake up

[oonagh]

I wrote in here a little while back about my life with my husband. I came here because I saw something in the symptoms of ptsd that I thought I saw in myself but as I said in my earlier post I've not been diagnosed but you were all so kind and told me to stick around.

It's been a very eventful month or so since I came here. I did go and see my Dr. In the end. Took me long enough. I practiced what I was going to tell him then promptly went in to his office and shook, sobbed and rocked lol. But I got over what I wanted to say and he was patient.

So as a result, im going for cbt. He asked me if I wanted to take antidepressants after the Edinburgh depression test showed I'm not that depressed. I said yes but I have a problem. It says it clashes with the tramadol I take for the pain. So I didn't start it. I don't feel I need it, yet.

I also decided that i separating and eventually divorcing my husband. It's taken me 12 years to realise that I should have done it when he started changing and getting violent. But I stick with him for the kids. I feel I lost me. I don't even love me because I don't know me.

Lately though since I made my decision I feel a lot lighter. I've had the big discussion with my husband, twice because I don't think it's sinking in. My sister has been very supportive though. She took me out and I told her what I told the Dr and she cried. She thought I was cutting myself off from the family. I was, to me they could have been dead and I wouldn't have batted an eyelid. I still feel a little like that but I'm getting there. She told me I can't be an island so I have to start building some bridges.

So right now I'm trying to get the courage to go see a divorce solicitor. Ive no idea what to say or do but I know I just need to stick with it and not late to the bit of me trekking me to get comfortable again instead of breaking up. I'm feeling up and down. One moment I'll feel fine and the next I'll feel like there's nothing for me here and I have to leave the face of the planet via suicide. I have one good friend though who is there on the end of a text no matter what and he's been very patient, I mean infinitely lol.

Thanks for your patience too.

[Hidden]

I'm glad you're making progress and taking care of yourself. Don't feel badly about taking 12 years to make your decision. Many of us try to stick it out and make things work for a long time before we realize it's time to move on.

I'll tell you something. I have not been officially diagnosed with PTSD either but I have most of the major signs. I don't need anyone to tell me what I have.

I also have a good friend who is there for me no matter what. They are invaluable.

[oonagh in reply to Hidden]

Today had been a classic example of my life at the moment. I was nominated to do the ice bucket challenge so I did it this morning, had a good laugh with my family and then someone ssks me to dredge up my past and talk about it in relation to my problems now and I feel like death. I just want it over.

[Lionyx2006]

I've been married 29 years this month, September, and I'm now starting to look at leaving permanently. I left him or forced him out of the house two other times. I now consider those trial runs.

It takes as long as it takes. Don't beat yourself up over taking 12 years to make a decision about your marriage.