Feeling so horrible

[Teddysmum43]

I've just had a horrible panic attack. Everything just got on top of me at teatime and I burst. My poor kids,feel so bad they saw me like that. I just don't know what to do to make things better. I seem to be so much worse in the evenings. Mind you I have the constant noise of my son on his Xbox,it really really grates on me. I've tried all sorts with him and just now he said he will cut down on using it,it's the constant shouting(they can talk to each other on it for those of you that don't have teenage sons.) but I suppose if it wasn't the Xbox it would be something else. I cried my eyes out at the counsellors today with the constant stress of it. It's also just a few days to the 2nd anniversary of my mum dying. I miss her more than ican cope with. I try so so hard to cope I really do,it just all seems to build up in me. I am suppossed to be taking my son to cadets tonight,I'm so pleased he has got into it as it gets him away from his Xbox but tonight I just cannot face going out in that freezing cold.

I know you guys will say I am being too hard on myself but that is my problem,I am way too hard on myself but I cannot for the life of me work out how to stop it. I really wish I could.

I feel so bad I cannot face the thought of going back to the counselling course. I can't keep going on like this. I tell myself to toughen up,some days it works,some days it doesn't. I'm so frightened I will do something to myself as I just cannot face all this pain.

[Hidden]

You have to think of the devastation you are going to leave behind. I get deppressed and its hard with kids, you have to keep the family life as normal as possible. What your kids see now can stay with them for a lifetime, I'm proof of that. Ive had councelling and was told im like i am because of the way i was subjected to negative after negative behaiviour from my parents i learnt the behaiviour, I changed that cycle and have 2 wonderful, confident kids.

Big hugs xx

[Teddysmum43]

I do try hardto stay positive as I had a similar upbringing. I think the strain of having to keep things normal can be almost impossible at times. I have to be real with my kids sometimes. It is my love for them that keeps me going,I just want this awful pain to go away.

[Hidden]

Hello.

I really feel for you. Having been through the Xbox phase! How old sure the boys? Can they not play in another room (with the door shut)? I know it wasn't nice but maybe now they have seen you like this they might understand more how you feel.

Maybe one of he other mums can help by taking your son to cadets?

Don't feel bad about your panic attack, we all have them.

Try not to be so down and be positive, you have two lovely sons, my xboxer has turned into a lovely young adult. Try and pace yourself and only do what is really important. Get the boys to help with tea or the washing up and around the house and restrict the amount of xboxing done too.

Keep in touch.

Big Piggie hugs xxxxx

[Hidden]

Sorry to hear you're having such a rough day. Please think about how much love and support you give your kids - and then do the same for yourself. You deserve at least as much. And if no-one else is on hand right at this moment to give it to you, then give it to yourself.

Thinking of you. Hope you soon find the positive you.

Kaz

xx

[Saskia]

Hang on in there, Teddysmum43. I am a bit tired at the moment and just going off to bed but I have had very, very low spots in my life and suicide felt like the only way out at the time. BUT I am glad I am still here in spite of the pain of fibromyalgia and arthritis etc etc. I'll try and write a bit more tomorrow. I just couldn't go off to bed knowing that you are hurting so much physically and emotionally. Are you able to have an early night tonight? OR can you do something a bit relaxing for yourself? I have always been a very driven person and was hard on myself but I am not that way now. I don't have the responsibility of children like you so am in a different position but please don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing your very best for your son and that is all you can do. Try and stick with the counselling if you feel it is helping you. PLEASE PLEASE don't do anything to harm yourself. If you feel really desperate give the samaritans a ring. I was a samaritan for nearly 4 years on top of working full time. I was young and fit then and could cope with everything. I am glad I was able to be a samaritan. All the people on the end of the phone do it because they want to be a lifeline for anyone who is at the end of their tether, so there is no need to feel embarrassed about talking to them. It won't matter if you cry, scream or swear. They will not judge you. They are there to listen not to give unwanted advice. I am getting very tired and making typos so will sign off for now. Please be assured that everyone on this site cares about you and none of us would want you to feel so alone and desperate. Keep in touch so we know how you are doing. I'll endeavour to write again tomorrow. Love and a big hug. Saskia XX

[beth2]

hello teddymum I lost my mum 10 years ago she was my best friend I miss her so much but honestly it does get better when I am feeling low I think of all the nice things we did together and that makes me smile and nobody can take those memorys away from you now on to the xbox I have a 16 year old boy and he knows that he can only have it on a low volume try telling your son that he has to keep volume down and be firm when you tell him, sorry I dont mean to sound bossy but I find the firmer I AM with my son the better he is I hope you feel better soon take care love beth x

[Teddysmum43]

i just want to thanku all for replying and to say please dont worry im not going to do anything terrible. im going to call the course tutor tomorrow and tell him i cant carry on,then im going to give notice to the counsellor ive been seeing and go back to my old counsellor as i was really getting somewhere with her. It doesnt even matter about the money ive lost as ive gained valuable insight into what i can and cant do. At least ive tried and now im going to have a proper rest.xxx

[Hidden in reply to Teddysmum43]

Oh Im so glad you are feeling in better spirits, You were on my mind last night, Ive been exactly the same place as you but you seem a fighter, thats all we can do. I would def recomend goin back to your old counsellor if you were getting more benefit. Just keep strong make half hr time for yourself every day.. hot bubble bath, reading a mag anything you enjoy for half hr. Or everyother day if everyday is too much, I found walking my dog down the fields, come rain or shine the freshair does wonders, I used to do 40 mins walk but im at a 30mins budget with my energy levels and pain levels, but i take a stick now to help me on my way back, its painful but bearable for the luxury of freshair. Then rest for 2 days as and when you can. I found other peoples comments very uplifting soft hugs x

[Saskia]

Good for you! It is important to have a counsellor you feel comfortable with. Have a good rest and try not to overdo things.

I have only just got up and am going to have some breakfast in a minute and then sort myself out to get through the day as best I can. House is an absolute tip. May get our small tree up today. See how I go! Priority is taking the doggies out then I'll go from there. Love and hugs. Saskia XX

[Teddysmum43]

Thank you Saskia,you messages mean a lot. I've had a long chat with one of my good friends this morning. It has helped a lot along with your messages on here. Waking up this morning I don't feel so distraught. My friend has been encouraging me to carry on with the course but I'm very much in two minds. Last night I felt sure I couldn't carry on with the counselling course. I keep having these awful panics about it but does that mean I should give up? I'm just so all over the place with it. I never realised how hard this was going to be. My lack of self belief isn't helping at all. I do so want to relax about it all but I don't have that sort of personality.

[Saskia in reply to Teddysmum43]

Hi Teddysmum43.

Is it a course you are doing to train to be a counsellor yourself? If you are all over the place at the moment don't make a decision. Can you wait until after Christmas to decide what you want (or don't want) to do? Try not to put yourself under too much pressure with all that has to be done at Christmas. Christmas is enough of an ordeal for all of us who have FMS and other medical problems without having to worry about other issues. You seem as though you are coping very well bringing up teenagers. Have you told your GP about your panic attacks? I used to have dreadful panic attacks but as I have got older these have eased off and now that I no longer work I take things at a very leisurely pace ...slow and stop are my 2 speeds now! My situation is very different to your's and you are probably much younger than me. Female hormones also play havoc with our emotions but now that I am through the menopause I am on a much more even keel emotionally. Just have the dreaded hot flushes as well as the temperature fluctuations which are caused by FMS. Cold one minute and then hot and dizzy..lol

Like you I have difficulty relaxing and am always on the twitch and a born worrier so I wouldn't be the best person to offer you any advice. All I would say is don't make any hasty decisions if you can avoid it.

I can understand how raw your grief is over losing your mum. I lost my mum in January 1999. She was only 65. I miss her terribly as she was my best friend. I had grief counselling after she died and I felt worse on the 2nd anniversary of her death than I did at the first ( which I'd never have thought possible) and the counsellor explained that we expect to feel awful at all the 1st anniversaries, Christmas, birthdays, mother's day etc and the second year we expect to be able to cope with our grief better. When we don't we are disappointed with ourselves and think we are not coping very well but in fact we are coping well really. So don't beat yourself up about how you are feeling. It is natural to feel all over the place emotionally and I am not surprised, as you are coping with lots of different issues.

Be gentle with yourself.

Love and hugs.

Saskia. XX

[lynnecw]

Hi Teddysmum,

I too have had terrible panic attacks, the last time my son had to phone my daughter at midnight to get her to come over as he didn't know what to do with me.

It really won't hurt your kids to see you upset, so long as it isn't too often. It is the only way for them to realise that Mum has feelings and problems too.

We try to give them the best of ourselves and try to sort out everything without involving them so that we can give them the perfect childhood but our job as a Mum is to bring them up to be well balanced adults, so they need to know that it is ok to show their feelings by following your example. Sounds to me like you are doing a brilliant job. I brought up 3 as a single parent, my eldest is 28 today. You will get there, just take one day at a time.

Love and best wishes

Lynne x