Feeling so hurt.sad!!

Oh well guys here goes.my husband of 23years told me today he is fed up with my illness and me not being able to get up and go out like I did .Fibromyalgia has changed my life I'm sure as it has changed all of yours as well. I'm so thank full to have you all to talk too.I'm so saddened by his remarks.I'm in a flare up and tmj don't help none either.normally he's so kind and wanting to help.I'm so confused why suddenly the response.he said all you do is work and then everyday you want to just sleep or lay with a heating pad wrapped up in a blanket and then the same time hung the next day.I understand its difficult for him and I truly appreciate all he does to help around the house.he thinks I'm not in as much pain as I say or appear to have.

I'm so tired myself and wish it was a wrong diagnoses but I do get by day by day and for the most part I try to go out as much as I can when I'm having a good day.I truly love life itself and wish one day that I'd wake up and All was back to normal.well I just wanted to share my day with you all in hoped that perhaps some of you can relate to the feelings of not being noticed for the good even with an illness .wishing you all the best and hugs and warm vibrations going out to you all.sweetdreams1234. Thanks for listening.πŸ’œ

31 Replies

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  • love & hugs...

  • Dear Sweetdreams, Lovely screen name, by the way. I can feel your pain when reading your post. I am sorry you must contend with FM. :(

    As you know, chronic illness can take a toll on even on the most dedicated, deeply loving relationships.

    From what you share, it seems you husband has been very devoted, helpful and has been putting his best foot forward to support you. Our loved ones can tire, or even feel burnt out, over time. During these times, they may question much about any health condition, as a part of grieving and coming to a deeper level of acceptance within themselves. His doubting the severity of your pain may simply be a part of his working through his own denial, as a step in his own grieving and acceptance. Sometimes, our partners rally to support us, unconditionally, later realizing they must work through their own stages of grief in accepting chronic illness and how it may impact the relationship.

    I feel its a healthy sign he is talking openly with you about his current feelings, even though his expression of his feelings may feel hurtful to you at this time. Better he is sharing with you than with someone else. He may be sharing with you, in an effort to not only let you know, but to also find a resolution with you, one you can both live with.

    Have you both ever participated in couples therapy as a part of expressing feelings and learning coping skills during this additionally challenging time for each/both of you? If not, may this be a helpful approach and a safe space for expressing the many feelings brought up for you and for him?

    This is a very tough topic to deal with. It's a tough topic because it is such an important topic.

    Again, it's a good sign he is communicating directly with you. You may both have a greater chance of salvaging your relationship with one another by heading to couples therapy as soon as possible. I urge you to seek professional help with this before a deep and wide chasm develops between both of you.

    It's tough, I know, yet try to not take his own expressions of his working through his feelings (often stages of grief) as a personal attack upon you. Show him you care about his feelings enough to hear him out and mutually share about feelings, staying constructively engaged with one another.

    I hope you both find mutual support and mutual healing, within your marriage.

    Thanks for your candid post.


  • Omg..thank you so much.πŸ’œπŸ’œim now seeing your post and I'm crying happy tears

    He apologies to me today for his harsh words but I agree with the therapy for us both ..I'll keep you posted.

    God bless you for your kind words.

    πŸ’œπŸ’œhugs sweetdreams1234.

  • I hope couples therapy is helpful to you both! :)

    It's such a good sign he is talking directly to you, as opposed to talking to others. I'd be very concerned if he was spending time "talking around about you," instead of talking to you.

    The direct communication is healthy!

    When people talk about, or around their loved one, they are "triangulating," which becomes very problematic, is dysfunctional and will amplify issues (in a negative manner) within the relationship.

    If/when our partners are spending time/energy talking about, or around us, instead of directly to us, they are choosing to build emotional intimacy with the persons they engage for this purpose. That choice will sabotage the primary relationship.

    (This is not meant for you, personally, I do feel it's important to add for all of us: Discussing relationship concerns on an open forum is not building intimacy with another male/person by centering upon your issues with him/another privately -- as in PM messages and/or at a lunch/coffee meeting, etc. There is a big difference between the two. The private liason method is often boundary violation and is likely to sabotage the primary relationship. Sometimes people spend time and energy in this way, with a stranger or with a third party, instead of investing it within the relationship they say they want to salvage. This is an error and will likely sabotage the relationship. Back when my marriage was not as solid, not as healthy, I used to ask my wife why she was meeting people to discuss the issues of our marriage while I am home waiting for her and she could be discussing these issues directly with me? She was investing in the other relationships in ways she was not willing to invest in ours. She came to see this in our couples therapy and stopped "triangulating.")

    It's definitely possible to enjoy a healthy marriage/relationship, in spite of the presence of chronic illness(es). How many people are perfectly healthy and for how long in life are they without a chronic condition?

    Illness is a part of life, one of life's challenges, a part of our human imperfection. We have, hopefully, agreed to be supportive to one another during such challenges, within our most important relationships?

    I feel you and you husband do have a sense of devotion to one another, which makes this very workable! :)

    We are here, listening to you.

    Hope to lend support to you and to your marriage!



  • So sorry u are feeling so hurt and your husband has said these things.

    Maybe your husband means that he is fed up with the illness (as opposed to being fed up with you). We can all associate with that feeling, as Fibro changes our lives so much.

    I dont know how long you have been ill/diagnosed for, but it does take time for our loved ones to come to terms with it too & maybe he is mourning the lives you had together? Is it possible for you to arrange a date night (preferably on a day when u are not working), just something simple and not too tiring, to spend some time together without the stresses of housework, etc and to remind yourselves of who you each are as people?

    Me & my husband reach a point every so often when he feels so overburdened with how much he helps round the house as well as working and caring for me, that we end up having a massive row. Once everything's calmed down, we try to see how we can alter our routines to take pressure off. Unfortunately the one thing we cant change is this rotten illness! but I have changed my working hours (& will stop working altogether this year), as he hates to see me spend all my energy on work & have none left for my family. This means that I can then start doing more round house & take pressure off him. I feel so guilty that I will no longer be bringing home a wage, but my time with my husband and daughter is more precious.

    I know this doesn't solve your problem, but you are not alone! I hope u can talk things through with your husband. C

  • wow I can really feel your pain in the way you expressed your post.

    I am single so do not have this issue but I think I'm going through the same grieving process of my old life.

    It has made me sad and angry that it is affecting your otherwise lovely relationship.

    I have had to cut my hours at work down...not sure how many u work but could u do the same? ..I know how tired we can be when working.

    you have been given some great advice from the two replies before me and I really hope you can come to some kind of acceptance and management of the LTCS with your husband....23 years is a long time ...don't let it win!!!.....I am lying in bed right now in pain from my tmj and fibro and wondering how relationships get through this.....

    I sincerely hope you get the help that you need to continue another 23 years of marriage :)...xx

  • Oh god bless you .thanks so much for caring.

    I'll follow your posts and perhaps we can discuss the tmj and Fibromyalgia as I've not talked to anyone yet with both.πŸ’œπŸ’œ hugs your way and warm vibrations to heal your pain. Sweetdreams1234.

  • absolutely SD1234...I don't post much but anytime u want to chat about it don't hesitate to message me :) hugs xx

  • Hi

    I am so sorry to hear this such a lonely world when you have fybromyalga

    I hope you can both work through it

    My husband and myself live apart but

    are still together as weird as it may sound

    it does put a strain on your relationship

    I did not get any sleep at all last night with the pains like most nights

    keep strong

    healthy hugs x

  • I cant improve on what has already been said but you have my sympathy and support.

    I pray there will be the right outcome.

    I can entirely understand "spouse burn out" and you must get frustrated too.

  • I had to reply to this and if I'm overstepping the mark please tell me, but I couldn't believe what you husband has said. He should be grateful that you're both still together. My husband died some years ago and for the last five years of his life he struggled with arthritis, heart problems and diabetes. There were loads of things we couldn't do as a normal couple, I never complained to him, I cared for him and found it an honour to do so and would do it all again. Now I'm struggling with something (doc says its fibro) and wish with all my heart he was here for support. None of us are perfect and there were times in the many years of my husband's illness that I just stood out in the garden and cried thinking it wasn't fair. But nothing is fair in this life and sometimes you just have to get on with it and support those around you as best as you can. His comments have done nothing to help you. He probably regrets saying them. I hope you are okay. I'm sending you hugs. It's not your fault you are ill, take care x

    PS Has he thought about going to a carers group or talking to some close friends or relatives about how he feels? I've been on the other side - as a carer - and I used to offload to a good friend of mine. But I never doubted my husband's illness or pain and I would be very hurt if someone that close to me doubted mine.

    Also if he says he's fed up of you working all the time and sleeping, perhaps he's trying to suggest that you give up work or cut down on your hours which may help the fatigue and pain?

  • He should be bleeping grateful you still work. Have you told him how hurt you are? You are so wiped out by working that you don't have energy for him!! You have my sympathies! :-(

  • ahhhh... I feel for you I had a similar thing and now I just stay single.i only manage work and nothing else.Iknow how you feel and its awfull xxxx

  • Bless you. Sounds exactly like me - I work all week and come the weekends I'm so exhausted I just sleep, so my hubby tends to do everything around the house as well. I've not had my diagnoses yet - I go to see the rheumatologist on Wednesday.

    Unfortunately I expect many on the women on her have has to reduce what they do around the home. I feel very guilty but at the end of the day you can't change your illness.

    Take care sweetdreams1234


  • No wonder you are feeling sad and hurt - sending you lots of pain-fighting thoughts!

    Maybe it isn't a totally bad thing? It is out in the open now, and you know what he is thinking (personally I spent too much time thinking my boyfriend feels that way and hasn't said anything). You must be fed up a lot of feeling shattered and in agony (I know I do...), I guess our loved ones are going to feel a little fed up too sometimes? Afterall they love us and wants us to be well again, but they can't actually take our pain away.

    I feel a bit silly saying this, so feel free to laugh... but I created a "date night" jar, full of things my other half and I can do together at home. If you aren't well enough to go out, then you can still have fun together at home. When you have some free time, pick a card out of the jar and you can do it together.

    Here are a few examples of mine:

    - Spanish evenish - eat spanish food, listen to spanish music, watch a subtitled movie in spanish.

    - Proper film night - popcorn, chocolate, lights off, a new film.

    - Nostalgic evening - eat your favourite childhood food, sweets, look at old photos.

    - Fondue - we bought mini candle-powered fodue pots. They work quite well and are quite fun!

    Sending you a big virtual hug xx

  • I agree with the poster above who states that he should be grateful you still work..As I'm sure you know this awful illness can worsen or improve from year to year, it's possible for one person to work one year and be bed bound the next...

    However, Those that live with us sufferers of FMS do go through the mill a lot, and on a daily basis, I know we do too but imagine watching the person you adore not have the strength to move, to eat and to feel utter misery like we do..

    Most men are biologically wired to have the need to fix situations, it's what they do, that's why they dont like shopping very much and if they got to go they pick up what they need and go, they don't usually browse like us girls!

    Now hubby can't fix this, no one can, we try and look for the positives but it's hard to as I'm sure you know, I suspect hubby is frustrated by his lack of being able to fix this for you, he also can't understand your pain or fatigue, no one does until it happens to them.

    I've lost count of the times where I've said 'I'm tired' and a non fibro person has replied 'yeah I'm tired too' and we think to ourselves you have absolutely no idea what the tiredness feels like, how even breathing hurts and how we'd love to feel their depth of tiredness!

    I don't think anyone gets this debilitating illness to it happens to them, I don't think the medical profession help matters, some doctors don't even think it's real especially if they trained years ago..

    Keep going, don't give up, try and talk to each other..I'd see this as a positive, at least he's not holding his feelings in...that wouldn't help either of you..

    Do you have an FMS support group nearby, maybe a chance for him to meet with other sufferers hubbies would help you both..

    Good luck to you x x

  • Gentle hugs . I'll be thinking of you in my prayers. xx

  • Hi Sweetdreams,

    My heart goes out to you, my darling, I feel very saddened by your post & I wish I could give you a real hug. I often think my husband thinks I'm a huge burden to him, though when I ask him, he always says no! He has also started to lie on the settee a lot & he says he's tired, with no get up & go. This means a lot of the housework is not being done & I hate that! We had a massive row yesterday in front of my mum & you don't want to know what he said to me, quietly so my mum couldn't hear! When I reacted ferociously, my mum thought I was the one out of line, not her precious son-in-law!

    He's normally very supportive but everybody has crossed words, so your hubby might have felt tired & irritated about something that happened at work & he might have, wrongfully, taken it out on you! If you tell him how hurt & sad you are by his comments, he might regret it straightaway. Anyway, hun, after 23 years of marriage, he might find it safe to unload onto you but it's obviously not fair on you because you feel so wiped out with work & the fibro combined. I'm so impressed that you can hold down a job feeling like you do, I got made redundant from my job about 12 months after I became poorly & Ive never been back to work since.

    I truly hope you can get some relief from your symptoms & I feel sure that your hubby will be regretting the hurtful words he said to you. Iwish you both all the luck in the world & I hope you come back soon to let us all know how you're doing.

    Much love & gentle hugs,

    Tracey xx

  • Loads of hugs and I'm sure he is just trying to communicate he hates seeing you in pain x my partner does the same thing x soft hugs xxx

  • Gentle Hugs sweetdreams1234, I really feel for you. I wish I could tell you the solution, if I could, then it would help the both of us. You will be in my thoughts and I send you positive thoughts and hopes that today is better for you both and that things are getting better between you. Julie xxxxxxx

  • He did not mean it .......don't take it to heart....hope your feeling better soon good luck xx

  • Try getting less hours at work maybe? Another idea could be tell some other family member your feelings and they may have ideas too? A bit of cuddling goes a long way in my life its great hubby knows about fibro. Join a support group? A physical one or try out FMAUK for more forums...good luck!

  • Hi Sweet dreams,

    so much good advice has already been given by others that I can't add to it, other than to say you are in my thoughts and prayers.

    I was especially impressed by the wisdom of Crazy horse, I think there is so much truth in what she said.

    Wishing you peace of heart and spiritual strength to carry on,

    Mim xxx

  • Sending you a hug xx

  • Throwing you a sprinkling of star dust to you both. In the hope that is will lights dark corner.

    I have been care giver and cared for and both are isolating and knackering depressing and guilt ridden.

    I find loud music drowns the buggers out for a bit.


  • Just sending you some warmth, friendship and support.

    All my hopes and dreams for you

    Ken x

  • I do feel for you and all as we are all having to go through a lot of changes, I have had many arguments with my Husband as not many people understand what it's like to have this silent illness as they call it. Iam also getting treated at work differently I think they think I'm putting it all on. I haven't had a day off sick for nearly a year and do my best to do as much as I am expected but have to sit down every so often and dose myself with pain killers to get through the day. They are now sending ,e to occupational Health to be assessed as they say to help find out what's wrong even though I have given them all reports from consultants and Doctors I don't know what to think what they are trying to do. Any advice as my Doctor is pretty much useless πŸ˜” x

  • Hi Arthur11

    I'm sorry to hear of your health issues. My partner has Fibro and I follow this forum to help be keep acquainted with the nature of this illness. It seriously affects her ability to function in or even chose a working environment and leads to the fear of being dismissed. Because I'm a lawyer I'm fortunate to be able to advise her about how to approach this issue in the work place.

    If you would like to talk it would perhaps be better to do so off-line since I would not want to be taking advantage of this forum.

    I'm wondering about whether the Administrators would like to start a group/forum "Fibro at Work"

    Kind regards


  • Awww Thank you, I've been to see occupational Health and he has sent a reasonal report to my work place which I have now read. He has put things down to help me like to only spend u to an hour on one job standing and to go of f and reedy and do a few hours on calls but as normal I was asked to cover for a bit which left me standing for the best part of the day standing and fighting with the pain. Ian suffering as I'm walking out to go home with my legs cramping and feet and driving home ,when got home spent most of the night with pain and painfull cramps and today just sat in bed feeling awfull and waiting for the drugs to kick in so I can try and get on with things on my day off. I really think they are trying to push me so that I leave even though I work just as hard as most people in there and it's makes me angry. Other than screaming inside I don't know what else to do as I dont know who I can get to listen if they are not listening to what the occupational Health said xxx πŸ˜’

  • Firstly, hi sweetdreams, has your hubby forgot his pledge " in sickness & in health"!

    I keep telling my fella , yes I am ill but it's not like I went into flip pin' high street shop and saw ol' fibro there sitting on the shelf looking painful and thought oh good I will choose to have that!!!

    Sometimes our fellas should stop and think how hard it is on us 24/7 , and stop feeling sorry for how it effects them

    I never dreamt this would happen to me at 35 , 15 years ( some lifers in u.k prisons don' t do that long for bad crimes and I have not done any harm to anyone!)

    Anyway you take care , soft big cuddle xx love EJ x

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