So angry!!!!

[cobweb]

Hi all, I really need a rant, not so much fibro but husband orientated!

As many of you will know I'm due to get my divorce on Friday & thought that the finishing post was in sight, but it seems that my husband isn't ready to give up graciously!

He phoned me to say that a letter was on its way by email. He was kind, asked about my health & said that he'll always be there for me blah bla blah.

As soon as I read the sugary first lines I knew that this was one of his carefully worded lettters, sent with poison on the arrow!

He's turned everything around.

I had to leave the house after needing to call the poice to stop him smashing up my property.

As usual when the police arrived he was smiling & calm & told them that it was all in my head,

This is something I've had to put up with for years.

On paper he was my carer, but in reality he was an extremely selfish, lazy bully. Despite me getting more & more disabled he wouldn't lift a finger.

Anyway, I won't bore you with all of that , I moved out & couldn't ever face going back, filed for divorce the house was put up for sale & apart from the odd snarling moan from him we both got on with our lives,

Rightly or wrongly I wrote to him giving him 7 days to decide how we were going to sort out our possessions because it needs to be agreed before our divorce absolute.He's been promising to do it for nearly 3 months & I'd run out of nice ways of asking him.

I can't explain how horrible his letter was but all totaly sugar coated. His main rant has been that I took all our treasured posessions. Yes I took a lot of ornaments, mostly those that were considered mine, I didn't take anything of his. When asked I returned a few bits that he particularly wanted. He is living in a 4 bedroomed detached house with no mortgage & is driving around in a car that we are both still paying for. He is saying to everyone how I left him with nothing - even put that on facebook!

He is stepdad to my 5 sons & we've been together nearly 30 years. I was acutely aware that he has no other children & I was afraid that my family would turn against him if they knew what he was like, so I told them the divorce was amicable & we were staying good friends.

He is a recovering alcoholic who for many years has been extremely manipulating & made my life a misery but for some reason I can't blacken his name to my family. Because they all live miles away it's been easy to keep up the pretence.

Now I'm so annoyed that he's going to make me work for money! I know that there are two sides to every story but I've stood by him through prison sentances, job losses & no end of problems, but told nobody. I've nursed him when he was ill, cleared up after he was drunk, did it all out of love, but that died quite a while ago, but I didn't have the courage to leave for good, now I have & don't regret it at all. But I'm so livid that he is after a few ornaments!

He is so changeable I never know where I am with him.

I feel too drained, too full of pain to cope with this nonsense. I just want to have a peaceful life, surely I'm entitled with that!

OK peeps, rant over, sorry but I had to tell somebody or I would have brooded on it & got very depressed or upset

Thanks for listening

cobweb xxx

[cobweb]

ca't seem to clear my previous blog so I'll say goodnight here. If I don't write for a few days don't worry, Imfinding it incredibly hard to type at the moment so i may need to give mt poor single finger a rest!

Hugs to all , (((((((x)))))))) Cobweb

[Hidden]

What a sad story cobweb. It must have taken a lot of strength and courage to have walked out of that situation. I do feel that you should ask your sons or perhaps another family member that you feel close to for some support as you seem to be trying to handle so much on your own. I can't really offer you any other advice but please know that we are here for you whenever you need to share. Try to stay strong. Jane x

[Hidden]

I am so sorry to hear this Cobweb, you have been through so much lately. I only hope that from Friday when you finally get your divorce that things improve from that point on. I hope that you feel that the hold he thinks he has on you has gone and that you are free from it. I know it's not ideal and it won't be easy, but please be assured we are here for you, we do care about you.

If there's anything at all we can help you with, please just ask. Take care, please let us know how things go and how you are. Here's a hug for you (((hug))) xx

[PerfectPansy]

Hi Cobweb, my Mom (julie) asked me to post and say that she is sorry to hear your ex is giving you a rough time and that a lot of it is probably solicitors winding him up to be demanding because the more nasty he gets the more money they stand to make out of him.

Mom is thinking about you and reads your posts

Pansy x

[stormwytch]

Hi Cobweb

He certainly sounds like a piece of work that ex of yours. It sounds like he and his solicitor have been in cahoots over this. I hope it all gets sorted and is over soon then you can get what you are entitled to and that man out of your life!

Sleep well and take care xx

[Ginsing]

Morning Dear Cobweb,

What a tangled we engulfed you - you are so much better out of it. I hope it can all be sorted out and the divorce goes through as you would wish this coming week. As to the ornaments what do hey matter your sanity and health if far more important. I know it will rankle tat he has managed to get the house etc but you are still entitled to your share so do not give up.!

Good luck hun xgins

[Hidden]

Morning Cobweb I feel your pain just reading your post. Let him have the ornaments if they mean so much to him. He is only trying to hurt you further by creating all this petty childish nonsense. It boils down to mind games & as for a solicitor he is probably getting that through legal aid.

As long as you have a roof over your head & come Friday you will be free of this sad sorry mebtal bully. Think of your health & once you are settled, divorce finalized, you can relax & just worry about getting yourself on an even keal to pace yourself both body & mind. You can achieve this but it will be a case of one day at a time.

Once divorced he can make no more silly demands on you. Your health is your wealth as my olf Granny used to say & by God was she right.

I too am divorced from a domineering, controlling man & still suffer the depression but thankfully I have more good days than bad days. You will cope at your own pace with this dreadfull fibro.

I wish you the very best of luck & hope that Friday comes quickly for you.

Sending you soft fluffy hugs & luv

Jackie xx

[Hidden]

I feel for you. My daughter's divorce should be absolute this week, and she has gone through quite a lot that you are going through. He was manipulative, one minute saying he didn't want any of their possessions, the next saying she had taken everything. His family were quite hard on my daughter at first, but you know they now see what he was like and have become quite supportive to my daughter. At least my daughter is now happy on her own, he controlled her for many years and because of her boys, put up with it. He has hardly seen the boys since they split, which has been very upsetting for them. She has always encouraged him to see them, and didn't put any restrictions on him, sadly he just can't be bothered. You will get through this, it does take time. I have got my daughter back, for some time I didn't know who she was anymore ( his doing). Keep strong and know that you have done your best. You will be happy again x

[pondminstrel]

hi hu,been there and got the t shirt,possesions are nothing to peace of mind,let him have what he wants.......as the only thing that matters is YOU!..in the years to come he will be a sad lonely man and realise what hes lost....on the other hand you will have ...peace of mind etc...you will be fine hun..GOD never gives us a cross we cant carry xxxx

[Hidden]

Hun go to your nearest Al-anon meeting they are worth their weight in gold.

He knows he still has a hold of you, fear is the key. Your fear of people finding out because you feel responsible for his drinking. First tell your children, they know anyway, then tell all your family and his. Juat doing that will release you from his sordid secret. I could write a thousand words all identical to your own but you go to one of those meetings and it will be like sitting in an echo chamber. You are deffinately not alone just take those first few steps. xx

[BenLes]

By the time Fridayis over you really won't care who got which ornaments. Quite honestlyif it was me I'd let him have the lot.........then I wouldn't have to dust them! You will find new ornaments which are to your liking and will not remind you of him!

I hope all goes well for you, enjoy your new life

[ginge]

i had one the same.mr nice guy butter wouldnt melt. after 25 yrs of deceit, i left, if i was you i would stop paying yr bit for the car...go and colect anything thats yrs and what you have payed for.....anything thats joint tell him stick it up his jacksie..............i left everthing there exept my personal stuff the fotos that i took and payed for, the videos;;;;;; and the things the kids had bought me,

i screwed him for half the house half the pension.....even though i had bought every thing in the house all but the sofa and gass fire......he can shuv it all.....he then nicley sold my £6,000 caravan all packed ready to go on holls with all my stuff in for £100.......then told everyone including my 3 grown up kids that i had ran off with his cousin and then they wouldnt speak to me . i was 300 miles away and couldnt do a thing about it........so i know what sh..ts they can be.......good luck....sorry for ranting but its still a sore point 7 yrs on....xxxxxx

[Alcohol1]

Good for u for having the strength to leave. I understand what u've been through my husband was supposed to be my Carer too, in reality I waited on him hand and foot, while he puts me down, calls me mental, crazy, psyco, screams abuse at me and generally makes my life hell. He is a big bully I am only still with him cos I'm not in a position financially to leave. He lies to his family about me,he says that I'm attacking him and trying to kill him whenever I try to speak up he says I'm lying and trying to get him in trouble. As I have. No physical bruises and he's lovely to others people believe him. I wish I could leave but with two kids to look after it's not that simple. Good luck!

[ArctoLindy]

I managed to free myself from a similar situation 21 years ago today (seeing as I'm posting this after midnight)... he insisted on keeping a number of items that he knew were important to me and then sold them for next to nothing to friends of mine so I'd know about it. I doubt he really wants these things, he just wants to be able to get to you one last time while he still has some hold over you. Once the divorce goes through he loses that power, thats why he's stringing things out.

One of the items he kept was a beautiful lamp I'd bought for myself with my own money, a few years later I went to a class, learned how to make things from stained glass and made myself a lovely (and different) new lamp - sometimes its better to let things go and make a fresh start.

[Larke]

I agree with the recommendation of going to Al-Alon for support. Please do go! You are well rid of this man and it's about bloody time someone looked out for YOU. Don't let him continue to manipulate you.

Perhaps it is time to get a lawyer involved and to reveal the truth to your family. YOUR family should be supporting you in this difficult time. Surround yourself with those that love you and support you. Or find some who will (Al-Anon).

You are strong! You can do it! *gentle hugs*

[cobweb]

thankyou all for your really lovely & supportive comments. It's quite hard to disentangle from someone after 30years, especially when he's like Walter Mitty. He lies about all sorts of things but then convinces himself that they are true. I've stayed for long after the love died, now it's just a habit I need to break.

He's actually offered me a small sum for the car & house contents & I've agreed, I just want to be out of it! He says he's coming here tomorrow with the money & with a form for us both to sign giving him all of the remainder of the contents. I shall check what I'm signing, but to be truthful, I doubt he'll come, he'll be waiting for me to plead for the money. NO CHANCE, not anymore. I don't really care about the ornaments but it hurts knowing that he will probably get rid of them anyway! But it's good in a way, it reminds me why I left.

Only 2 more days till the divorce, then 6 long weeks till the absolute, then I can really feel free. It's amazing how much we allow ourselves to be manipulated & bullied, as someone has just shared that it's difficult when there are no bruises but since I finally got the strength to walk away with my head held high, I've felt a different person. Unfortunately my family aren't very supportive, they will help financialy, but they aren't good at showing emotions, they think that I must be ok so apart from occasional phone calls they don't worry about me. I do find that hard.

Thankyou to the Al-anon suggestions, I do attend a group & yes they are great, I'd be in a far worse state ithout them, each time I lose sight of what is important, they remind me.

You guys are wonderful x cobweb xx

[lynnh]

I had a similar experience, we divorced three years ago after 23 years of marriage. The first person I told was my sister-in-law of 30+years and the first thing she said was 'I'm not surprised, he is a bully and always has been'. I am lucky that, in the main, friends and family have been supportive and it is surprising what you learn after the event, now even I'm not sure why I put up with him for so long. It took around 18 months and three court cases to get enough money to buy myself a little bungalow. He refused to sell the house as he seemed to think that by keeping it he had won the battle but he only kept it because his mother bought me out. I had boxed up some ornaments, pictures and the like when he went on holiday with his girlfriend but He is still in our lovely house together with all the furniture. I was supposed to get the bedroom furniture but he went ballistic when he discovered I had moved stuff out without his consent despite the fact that I had only really taken what had been given to me as presents and half of the pictures etc. My home is mainly furnished with 2nd hand stuff and although I never thought I'd like living on my own I still can't perceive ever having another relationship but it doesn't worry me, I have my cat, my friends and my family. Meanwhile he looks ill and has withdrawn from a lot of people, the girlfriend has ditched him (although I am not sure whether she was just on the scene to convince me he wanted a divorce as I kept telling him he was having a mid-life crisis) and he never seems particularly happy. I never envisaged being single when I turned 50 earlier this year but despite my health problems and the money issues I love my freedom. Give it time, make sure you get what you are entitled to after all those years, then just sit back and wait and you too will find your happy place.