The story of an infertile desperate army wife!

[armywifehayley]

well my husband and i got married 3 years ago and he was dead set against children at first, i wanted them straight away. So he did the typical male thing and bought me a chocolate labrador puppy! I threw my life into her and bringing her up! She is now my baby and is very spoilt!!! I love her to pieces!!! Then 2 years ago my husband and I decided to start trying for a baby - he couldnt put me off any longer. I had been on the pill for 9 years (I started taking it because i suffered with extremely painful periods involving me being sick for the first 2 days in bed doubled over screaming and the only painkillers that would work were the extremely strong ones that would knock me out!). I stopped taking it and i didnt expect anything to happen.

We moved to Germany as my husband is an officer in the british forces. 2 years and we thought we would have a baby. We moved into our house set it up, even decided which rooms would be which including a nursery! We tried and tried and nothing! I then had some complications with my period so ended up being referred to a german gynecologist in a specialist british outpatients department for further tests but nothing was found. They said if nothing had happened by the august to go back. Nothing did so we went back!! They put me on a cycle of clomid! Which produced the healthy eggs but didnt result in conception. Then i had a horrid reaction and ended up with bletharitis in my eye as a result of the hormones. So we took a month off for it to all settle. In the meantime we went back to discuss our options and make a plan of action. They suggested iui with clomid seeing as i had some good egg production. It failed and i got bletheratis again. My husband had a sperm test and this showed low sperm count, poor morphology and motility! So i did some research and was told by a doctor about putting him on zinc and selenium! I found wellman conception tablets as i was taking the female equivelant and made him religiously take them!!! Over the xmas new year period the army gave my husband 24 hours notice to move to be deployed to afghanistan and within days he was gone!! 7 months on ive seen him for 2 1/2 weeks!!! Try conceiving a baby in that time when my cycle was completely in the wrong place has been impossible!

In the meantime i managed to start ivf in london at hammersmith. However when i got there they said i was overweight and had to lose a lot before they considered ivf. So ive been on a health kick ever since and doing well! But seeing as we move soon its all had to go on hold!

Whilst he was gone i decided to have some further tests done! I wasnt convinced it was just him. I went in alone and frightened but determined to get answers. I woke up in recovery and lifted my bed sheets up to find i was heamoragging all over the bed.There was blood everywhere and i sat screaming!!! They whisked me back into surgery for internal stitches, they had nicked my cervix during the first op! I woke up battered and bruised and alone. I apparently screamed for an hour none stop for my husband until they sedated me! I woke up the next day after having an uncomfortable night including several trips to the bathroom, fainting and having problems with my iv and not to mention the german nurses who couldnt speak a word of english and my german is only very basic! I was determined to go home! They reluctantly said yes on the condition my stitches were ok. Which luckily they were. They also explained to me i had blocked tubes and endometrisis on my bladder which could be why i was experiencing excrutiating periods and bleeding each month and the pill had stopped it for 9 years. They said likely hood of natural conception was very very low they said with the problems with my husband our only option was ICSI. So degected, alone, frightened and upset i left the hospital!The following day i had to go back in as i was experiencing heavy bleeding and after the complications i had they had to check i was ok! When my husband came home for leave he went for repeat sperm tests to find they were even worse, this we believe is due to the antimarial tablets he had to take whilst on tour! However his sperm count was now normal! WOO HOOO!!!! So he left again and left me alone and upset to deal with this on my own.

We move to cyprus in 6 weeks for our next posting and top of our list is ... you guessed it private IVF!!! Im sick of the pregnant people, sick of new mums with babys forcing theirs on me and the pitying smile of "it will be you soon dont stress it will happen!" Im sick of the announcements and the " i wanted to let you know im pregnant and i dont want to upset you because you cant have one!" Ive had enough of it all, i hate being the only wife alone. They all group together for mum and baby stuff and im left out on the side lines forgotten about because i dont fit into their group!

So now i found my way here and hopefully all the help that comes with trying to conceive. It may not be as traumatic as some experiences i have read but its heartbreaking and im on the brink of giving up on the idea of ever becoming a mum and carrying our child!!! Adoption is an idea but so difficult for this to be agreed with army families due to the life style we lead! However i cannot be apart from my husband 5 days a week,these last 7 months have killed us. He hates it when im like i am because he isnt there to give me a hug and tell me its ok and he will fix it like he does and then to make me smile!!! Its horrid i feel like this and right now giving up is all i have left in me. My dog is all i have to keep me going when im alone like i am! She can brighten up my day no end, i love her and when baby does come along she will be the perfect family dog! Her love for children is unending!

[Hidden]

Dear armywifehayley,

I so sorry you are having such a hard time and everything seems to go wrong. I hope you will be able to do your IVF while you are in Cyprus. Maybe try and find a support group in cyprus which will enable you to interact with other people in a similar situation. Also, you can't be the only army wife with infertility problems! I am reading the stories here, but I find there is not so much interaction. There are loads of infertility forums out there, my favourite is on reddit. A very strong and helpful community: reddit.com/r/infertility

Good luck.

[armywifehayley in reply to Hidden]

Well im hoping once im out there to find more people in my situation! See how i get on!

[DianeArnold Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

So sorry to hear that you have been having such a nightmare ride with your investigations and treatment. It is such a shame that you had not been investigated thoroughly before going through all the trauma you have been. Your history of heavy periods should have prompted the doctors into suspecting endometriosis. Obviously, that is not the only cause of heavy bleeding, but that and other problems would have been discounted perhaps by having a laparoscopy incorporating checking your Fallopian tubes at the same time. Had your blocked tubes have been diagnosed; you might have been spared the blepharitis you suffered whilst taking Clomid. However, after all that you have been through, it does seem as if you are left with the option of ICSI, as your husband is subjected to anti malarial tablets and extreme heat in Afghanistan. I feel that when you move to Cyprus and you pursue further treatment, you must make arrangements for your husband’s sperm to be frozen and stored for future use, just in case his analysis should worsen. Once frozen, it can be transported wherever you choose to have treatment, whether home or abroad. Do keep up with the zinc and selenium for your husband, as hopefully it will help to improve his analysis.

It’s also important that you choose how and with whom you spend your time at the moment in order to minimise any distress and to look after yourself. Also remember that most people experiencing infertility do so as a couple and often feel very isolated – especially with your husband spending so much time away. It might be good to confide in one of your best friends perhaps. There are always going to be pregnant women and babies around, we can’t alter that, but remember that you do not have to go to naming ceremonies or parties for a newborn – even with a close relative. Just send a card with perhaps a gift of money or a voucher, saying that you look forward to meeting “whoever” in the future. If you have a look at our website infertilitynetworkuk.com you will be able to see how we can support you further at this time.

Diane Arnold

[armywifehayley in reply to DianeArnold]

Thanks. If i had been back in the UK we may have found out sooner and had found out before we got to the 2 year mark however we are referred under the german system for tests and then back to NHS in the UK for IVF so there is little continuity of medical care unfortunately which i dont think is going to get any better once we get to cyprus!!!

I will have to discuss everything with my husband once he is home but i am going to suggest if they can freeze some for future use them to as we do want more than 1 child if we can (Im one of 4 and love being part of a big family!)

unfortunately all of my friends have children and havent gone through what i have. I get the usual "dont stress" "relax it will happen when its meant to!" Which really frustrates me. Also when the wives sit at coffee discussing how bad their kids are i scream at them to stop being ungrateful and count their blessings they have happy healthy children! Im in an environment where everyone has kids there are very few wives without! As such ive become isolated from the groups and spend a lot of time on my own at home with our dog! There are a few wives who make an effort to try and see me alone minus their children when they are at nursery but when i try to discuss it with them i get the usual responses and it infuriates me!

As for my husband being on tablets he will keep on taking them as like said we have seen an improvement in his sperm count since taking them! Just got to wait for the anti malarials to work out of his system and then he has to be retested!

As a couple we feel alone and unsure of what is going to happen. We are young at only 27 and 26 but this is something we want. Everyone is telling us to enjoy living our life minus children but they dont realise the heartache my husband and i go through on a daily basis!

I just hope once we get to cyprus we can get into the clinic quickly and start it all off, give me something positive to look forward to!!! In the meantime all we can do is have fun "practising" and hope cyprus brings us better luck than germany has!

[Sarahlf]

I'm also an army wife who is now 24 weeks pregnant through our second round of ivf so please don't give up hope! I was on chlomephine for 6 months with nothing then my husband went away for 6 months which frustrated me so much too and again can relate to everyone but me being pregnant or having a child already it took us 4 years to be where we are today but I just had to keep pushing for what we so wanted and it's not been easy but just stay positive and focused and it's good to have adoption as planB and adoption agencies are very happy to work with Army families too. There is a fab book to but for the life of me can't remember it's full name but it's 15 women with all diff experiences of not being able to conceive and it's the only thing I could relate too and helped me to see things in a different way! Il see if I can find what it's called for you? Good luck with it all oh and reflexology helped me too! Sarah xxxx

[Sarahlf]

It's ivf an emotional companion would recommend this book to all who is struggling with infertility of some sort hope this helps a bit! Sarah x

[Louiemac73]

H Hayley, just wondered if you'd had any success yet? I come from an Army background so can sympathise with regards the lifestyle.