Need mental help or support about sharing the ivf procedure with parents and in laws

[positivityonly]

I'm Indian 36+ ttc since 2016 and moved to UK in 2019. 2 iui + 1ivf icsi FET failure. My parents torture me to the core to share all the details of my process and everytime I tell them they have no rights to ask and I'm not obliged to tell, they start up their drama of being silent. Already my childhood being very traumatic with toxic parents, I don't want to share it with them until I get a positive pregnancy. But I talk to them every day, they are dependent on me and my brother for everything. My mother in law is equally toxic, we moved here because of her and my husbands parents and his siblings are staying in the house that my husband bought. No rent( this is common in India if one son is richer than others in family- we don't care about it at the moment because we are financially stable to some extent atleast) now she's trying to do all sort of dramas to make us adopt my brother in law's daughter (premie, 5yrs old but weighs 1.5 kgs and looks like a 6month old - she has a genetic disorder). And my mom knows my MIL and in laws (cosis) are toxic still questions me everytime I call her on why I'm not in touch with them, I should be in touch with them etc. This is such a let down I'm fully sunk in their toxicity. I blasted out yesterday and I don't know if I have to abandon my parents. I'm 36 and Im practicing manifestation and law of attraction etc I don't want to hear anything negative from my mom anymore supporting my in laws as to why I'm not talking. Also she constantly tells me why we are in UK come back to India here facilities are better and cheaper etc. but I'm in peace living away from Inlaws and them basically. My husband will never stay with me at my mom's and I cannot stay with him in his place because his mom is the worst woman I have ever seen in my life. Can someone please let me know what I can do. If I have to talk to my mom again. But I'm afraid she will never learn and keep taunting me talking all negative stuff. I cannot even stand hearing my MILs voice even while she's talking to my husband, its a trauma to me. I feel she a demon in human form. My husband also agreed and told me to stay away because MIL is very toxic in our matters. He is also more or less talking to her just stay in touch that's all. I have a supportive and loving husband(but our marriage was falling apart a few years ago because of mil) and my mom never misses to point out those incidents as well. Altogether I feel she's a point of negativity for me.

[Tamaa]

Hello. Sorry to know it is a complicated situation with close relations for you. I would only advise to prioritize yourself and your goals. Do what makes you happy. You don't owe anyone anything, be that your parents or your in-laws. Make sure you are financially stable, and if independent, that's another plus. Refuse to take any pressure at all. If anyone is giving you negativity, it's better to be disconnected from them rather than trying to change it to positives. Ivf itself requires a good mental health, focus on that. And adoption is a very sensitive and personal decision, no one can enforce it on another. Good luck!

[positivityonly in reply to Tamaa]

Thank you, means a lot 😊🙏 I'm feeling better and trying to focus on my goals as you said. Thank you for taking time to respond.

[Hidden in reply to positivityonly]

It sounds like you are having a terrible time of it. Great advice from Tamaa. Toxic people that make you feel like have no place close to you. You have your husbands support so put yourself first. IVF is a battle in itself so save your energy for that. Adoption isn’t for everyone so never feel guilty. Good luck and maintain your inner peace 🌻

[Keepingfaith85]

I think your username is aptly chosen ‘positivity only’ is so important going through ivf. You are making your own family now. It is time to put yourself first in an entirely unselfish way. You can’t change others but you and your husband have the chance to grow your own little family and that can be your focus. If you need to take a break from communication even with your own mum that is absolutely okay. You don’t even have to let her know that’s what you are doing. There is a technique called “grey rock” (you can look this up but basically you are polite but don’t engage in the drama). My own father is narcissistic and put my through so much stress that I had to distance myself for my own mental health. It’s horrible to deal with but if you shift your focus to the next generation it helps a bit I think. Also you don’t need to decide anything be gentle with yourself but don’t let anyone invalidate your feelings xxx

[positivityonly in reply to Keepingfaith85]

Really makes so much sense. I will definitely focus on me and my family rather than worrying and beating myself for all that could have worked. Yes I did google about grey rock now. Thank you very much. I will take bit of time and disconnect myself, that's very re-assuring to read that I don't have to explain it or let my mom know. I was felling very very depressed when I created this post. But I'm feeling really supported and relieved. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[Keepingfaith85 in reply to positivityonly]

You are more than welcome ❤️ private message me anytime you need a chat or a vent! I’m so glad you have a lovely husband who gets it too xx

[positivityonly in reply to Keepingfaith85]

Thank you so much ❤️✨

[MagsGK]

I'm so sorry to hear this. Situation is not simple. I came from toxic environment too, not as much I guess but needed proffesional psychological help. I was told I have to break a tie between myself and family. Family will always be a family, you cannot change them and sometimes the best option for your own good is too stay away from them. I know this is not the thing you want to hear but you have to think about yourself now. I would stop daily conversations. That is the first thing I would do. You are in the different country, they have no power over you anymore. Ive been there, done that and worked for me. I also left my country and live in UK mainly because of the same reason.

Just believe slightly more in yourself 💕