I need to get something off my chest, so I'm sorry for this post but except for my husband no one else understands me.
I am not a pessimistic person, and although I have been trying to become a mother for many years I have never had a problem celebrating the arrival of my friends' children. Several of them are like my nephews and nieces and I can't imagine not being able to do things with them because I can't get pregnant. I also have no problem talking to my friends about their pregnancies or their children.
But today ..... I don't know....I think I'm tired...I went to a birthday party and everyone except a young couple and I were parents. They haven't stopped talking about their children and this normally doesn't bother me because I have other people to talk to, but today I didn't have anyone....I realised that I usually end up a bit sad when I see them and clearly this is why.
One girl asked me if I had children and after I said No, it seemed like she felt uncomfortable....
Sometimes when they talk about pregnancies and I say something they look at me as if I don't know things or I don't have the right to talk about it because I was pregnant until week 17 and we had to terminate the pregnancy because my water broke.
I have felt alone and I think I feel that way a lot of the time.
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MammaMia86
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Sending you so much compassion right now. I've experienced similar stuff as my fertility journey is secret. I think people who don't know my story assume my wife and I are child-free by choice. And so when there is talk of pregnancy and childbirth people are a little surprised when I contribute to the discussion. After all, what would I know... right?! 🙄 It feels like there is some "mum club" that I feel excluded from because I don't have a baby.
I'm so sorry for your loss at 17 weeks; that must have been so traumatic. Some people say that as soon as you make the choice to become a parent, in your heart you're a parent. So I hate that you're made to feel like your experiences don't count for anything. They absolutely do.
I think at one point they thought..what's wrong with her? But I just stay quiet...kind of like numb and I left early....I am lucky because usually I have friends that are single and we talk about other things....but yesterday it was nonstop....on Monday is my blood test and I find out if I am pregnant or not...Do you think we will ever feel part of the mum club?
I’m sorry to hear about your loss. People can so be so insensitive. The mum club is the worst. After 5 years of trying, 5 IVF & 7 failed transfers, I got a positive test & when I told people at 12 weeks, some actually said “welcome to the club now” WTAF! I will never understand this mentality, and I am so sorry you had to experience it. It’s like some people have a lobotomy at the same time as the baby 🤷♀️ Your feelings & experiences are so valid & taking yourself out of the situation was definitely the right thing. I always tried to stay positive during treatment & attend parties/christenings/showers - but often get thrown curveballs like this. Fingers crossed for Monday. ❤️
I cannot believe they said welcome to the club!!! People don't realized how much time, energy, money, medical issues we have to go through?? They don't stop to think for a minute that maybe by the time we get pregnant we might be exhausted...I have 7 different alarms for the medication and my belly is purple from the heparin injections.
Hey, totally understand you. It's an awkward situation where I want to feel normal and happy but deep down our infertility situation is always there so it hurts without me wanting it to. It's not something I can control and I understand you feeling sad when all the talk just centers around such topics. My approach to it is to avoid events like this, just to safeguard my feelings. I don't know if it is the correct approach but that's how I have dealt with it. I wish you all the very best in your journey. What I have learnt in these long 6 years trying to get pregnant is that some people will never understand and therefore you have to be selfish and put your feelings first. If something will trigger you then don't put yourself in the situation where possible.
I'm sorry for what you went through. Totally unfair and your opinion does definitely count so don't give those people who don't think it does a second thought. People can unfortunately be cruel and self centered so put yourself first.
I was not expecting what happen yesterday, because there were lots of people that I didn't know....I guess it is safe topic of conversation when you don't know people and you find something in common...
So so sorry to read this. We kept our IVF story a secret from everyone and I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks at one point. It’s so painful being in environments like birthday parties and baby showers.
In the end I was advised by my counsellor to be kind and gentle with myself and avoid upsetting situations. I avoided baby showers, any birthday parties I couldn’t cope with and christenings. For me it was the right thing to do but everyone is different.
I feel your pain it’s such a lonely journey. On a positive note….my treatment did eventually work after multiple attempts and hopefully this gives you some drive too that it can happen. I can assure you….when it does….all that pain and time of putting yourself through IVF is completely worth it but it’s the hardest challenge of your life when you’re in the thick of it.
just wanted to say I feel exactly the same as you do. Whenever I’m with friends most of the time they have their kids with them and all they talk about is them. On the rare occasions when we manage to plan a get together without their children, they still talk about them and I find my self just sat there feeling like a spare tool. I also don’t get invited to as many things as everyone else, even though I would probably decline, an invite would be nice. I feel alone most of the time like you. I know it shouldn’t be me against my partner either be even then sometimes I feel like he doesn’t completely understand as I’m the one with no Fallopian tubes and he is absolutely fine. Everything is just so heartbreaking constantly.
I find it hard to look to the future too, I’m the oldest sibling and I know in the future my sister and brother etc will be having their children and although I will be happy for them I just don’t know how I’m going to cope
It people like yourself that I feel the most comfortable talking to.
I really hope there is a way we can all move forward with or without children.
I am usually ok going to all the events, as there are all kind of people but yesterday it felt like it was a parents party and I managed to sink in.
If or when I have a baby I don't want to be like that....I have some colleagues at work that have kids, but we talk about sort of things....I hope I can be like them.
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, but I think most of us can relate. I’m very similar to you, in that I can just crack on and mostly don’t take what’s happened to others as a reflection of me or my journey. But this last failed embryo transfer I had a friend get pregnant who was the last one without children, and I think it being the final embryo from that round and then the final childless friend really really hit me hard. I have felt totally empty, like I hate myself and my body for not doing what it should. Hating that it seems so easy for most others and why have I been dealing with this for 8 years along with a whole host of infertility related issues along the way. It’s so so hard. And you are right that others don’t relate, how can they?! It is a lonely old road and I think that makes it even harder. It just makes you feel so sad. I’m so sorry you are also experiencing all of these rubbish feelings. I really hope you manage to heal and I also hope you get a positive outcome if that’s the route you’re still going down. Just be gentle with yourself, this is quite the crushing journey and it weighs so heavy on us.
I do still always feel that everything happens for a reason and hopefully it all comes good in the end. I think this blind hope is what keeps me going. Sending you lots of love and luck for the future 💫
Sorry to hear about how you are feeling....It is a mix of emotions because you are happy for her but you are sad about yourself.
I have a friend that lost her baby 5 days after she was born...obviously devastating....but people can understand how terrible it was her story but not mine....I don't want to compete on who suffer more but I had to be in bed rest from week 5, I was barely sleeping 4hours a day, I had covid, I was told that I could die as fast as in 2h if I get an infection...anyway I had a series of things that I had to through....but if I say something like ohh in my case I did this...or this happen to me...their faces are like....ok but you don't have a kid....maybe is just my imagination....
You've done the right thing sharing 💜 There are people on here that are up for chatting privately if that might help? I feel too new in my journey with IVF to comment really (although we've been trying for 2 years and are now stuck waiting for progress) but I would say take a lot of comfort that you have your partner by your side. Even just one person who gets you and you that you can talk to is a wonderful thing. Like the below, I've actually removed myself from social situations with children as unfortunately I've become quite sad being around my friends and they only talk about the kids and how awful/hard it is when I'm just sat there thinking 'i wish'. You sound like you've been super strong for so long, it's absolutely fine to take the time and space you need xx
I am usually happy for people when they tell me that they are expecting, but I cannot handle knowing about if I think that the person is bad....in those cases I find it so unfair that bad people can have kids....I am really lucky with him....but I cannot talk about this as much because he also suffers and maybe even more than I do....when we lost the baby on the pregnancy...he had to be the one strong for both of us....and repeating that situation scares him....I don't think he will believe that he is a dad until he has our kid in his arms
MammiaMia86, so much of what you said has resonated with me. We have been trying for a long time and haven't discussed our IVF struggles with friends. It is so hard when everyone in your social circle has kids and it does literally become the only and main thing anyone can speak about. You try to stay involved and try to brush off the hurt but sometimes you cant stop it coming through. I've had it all over the years - from people simply talking over you because they aren't interested in what you have to say about their situation (what could you possibly know) to simply saying out loud that you couldn't possibly understand. Being asked which of the children is yours by one of your good friend's new "mum friends" and then being looked at like a creep for being at a kid's birthday party and being neither related to the birthday kid or another mum. Sitting for 2 hours listening to everyone moan about how hard it is having kids and how their kids are so difficult and wanting to scream out that their kids are lovely and that they should feel lucky to have them... but you can't because that would disclose what is going on. Sometimes coming home is the loneliest feeling. I avoid some things now but that isn't the answer either. You can't avoid life. The other thing which doesn't help is that it does sometimes feel like there isn't a place in society for being older and without kids. You don't fit into the marketing. We recently looked at booking an all inclusive for a break - but it seems like all holidays are either 18-25 and all about the alcohol, all about the kids club or all about quiet retirement. Where do we go for our break?
It might feel lonely but remember that you are not alone. Just look at the empathy which has appeared from your one message. There is a whole silent army right there with you feeling the same and hoping things get better 🙂
I’m so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way and that you had to terminate your pregnancy. I know how you feel and it’s horrible. However, my husband doesn’t even understand as he has two children of his own. Can I just say that to have knowledge and understanding about children doesn’t always come from being a parent. In my job, I have a lot of parents coming to me for advice about their own children even though I don’t have any. Please don’t think that your comments are invalid because you don’t have children yourself. People are uncomfortable around people who have no children because we live in such a child-focused society. I read a really interesting article about and I hate this phrase “childless women” and how society views us. Regarding pregnancy, you do know what you are talking about as you have been pregnant before and you more than have the right to talk about this pregnancy as much or as little as you want. Your pregnancy mattered! Thinking of you xx
Thanks for you message, I really appreciate the support....I think the fact that on Monday I have to do the blood tests to know if I am pregnant or not has me a bit on the edge.....I just don't want to become that kind of parent.. that can only talk about their kids.... I have a colleague that is single and she would like to have a family.. and sometimes when she is a bit down I remind her of all the amazing things around her...it is difficult sometimes to deal with those feelings...as it is normal that we want things for ourselves that seems like the next step in your life....
I really don't know what I would have done without this community ..... here I feel that people understand me, and I understand them😘
This community is a life saver-literally. I couldn’t imagine this journey without it and so many people would suffer in silence. As you say, there are a lot of amazing things to life and it’s important that we remember that on this journey as it can become extremely consuming. Best of luck on your test on Monday. Will be thinking of you. Keep us posted ❤️
Hi MammaMia, I’m so sorry you are feeling like this today. Please know it’s valid and completely understandable. You have been so strong to go to those sort of events. Especially when you have had your own heartbreaking loss.
I feel similar and have struggled so much when the last of my friends I grew up with became pregnant. Definitely feel like I don’t fit in. And I do tend to avoid situations that I know will be triggering. It’s so difficult when even closest friends don’t know what to say or say the wrong thing to me.
Things that are helping me - going to counselling at the fertility clinic so I can talk about all the feelings (like the bitter jealousy that I feel bad about having). I feel more understood and maybe less alone with it. I’ve also tried to be part of other communities that are not baby focused - like running club, art class.
You are doing so well, and remember you aren’t alone as we are all here with you xxx
After I lost our baby I went to dome counselling and it was very helpful...that moment when I realized that what I was feeling was normal made a huge difference....I am happy you are doing it....it is a difficult process and we should get all the help we can take.
You can avoid any occasions for your own mental health and maybe order gift delivery to them for their joyous occasions. Need to care for yourself. Ivf battle is a marathon. Of course I wish you bfp and baby dust to you!! Only ivf warriors understand each other and we are here to support you!
Hi MammaMia86, I can totally relate to what you're feeling - you and your husband are 100% not alone here. I'm sorry for your loss.
Sometimes it feels just so unfair, especially when you're trying so hard and are doing everything 'right'. I find infertility really isolating and sad, on those difficult days when you're waiting and hoping against hope. People who don't have to go through this haven't got a clue how lucky they are!
Sending you best wishes - keep my fingers crossed for you.
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Your feelings are completely valid, and it's okay to feel tired and sad sometimes. It sounds like you've been incredibly strong and supportive of others, even when it's hard. It's not easy being in situations where you feel isolated, especially when everyone around you seems to share an experience that you deeply desire. It breaks my heart to hear about your loss at 17 weeks, and I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Certain conversations can bring up difficult emotions, especially when people may not fully understand your experience. You’re not alone in feeling this way, even though it might seem like it. Sending you a big virtual hug and lots of support. x
I remember this feeling well. 'The mum club' was something I believed I'd never be part of and I think the worst part was the pity, it made me feel even worse, people asking me if I had kids and wanting the ground to swallow me up as the look on their pitied faces as I said no.
I was like you, I went to kids parties, put on a brave face for baby showers etc but sometimes it was really hard. I'm so sorry for your loss, that's a lot for you to have to deal with.
My last friend in our friendship circle to have kids became pregnant at the same time as me (both ivf), I miscarried at 11 weeks and she went on to have her baby a week after my due date. It was hard. Really hard. It was painful to be around her until I had my own. Then I felt guilty because I loved my friend and was happy for her but I'm not proud to admit I was burning with jealousy too that it all seemed to have worked out for her, que more guilt for feeling that way!
I eventually had my children aged 39 and 41 but I haven't forgotten that feeling. Even when you have a baby there's such gratitude but it leaves you with such empathy for the people it hasn't happened for yet. It took me 8 years. I never in a million years thought it would be me.
You talk about imposter syndrome but when I had my eldest daughter after so many years of infertility I used to worry I was going to waken from a coma where I'd had a traumatic brain injury and I'd dreamt my daughter, that she wasn't real but I'd be looking for her and being told I'd lost my mind!
Just letting you know that I see you. Sending baby dust x
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