Coping with jealousy!

[Tryingtobe_Happy]

Soo yet again someone else I know is pregnant but this time it’s not someone I can hide from!.

I’m embarrassed to admit that so far my way of coping is to distance myself from those around me who are pregnant because I just can’t cope! But now My sister in law just told us that she is 10 weeks. I’m over the moon for her, they will be great parents but I am heartbroken that it’s not me!

I really don’t want to let it affect my relationship with my in laws or my niece/nephew to be.

Any advice? Is time a healer? Will I just get used to it? Am I being selfish?

Yours, Trying to be happy.

[Sunshine92]

You are 100% not being selfish!

When my best friend told me she was pregnant earlier on in the year my heart broke. I was expecting it .. but it still hits you like a train. I’d been married first, i’d been trying for 3 years. It was my turn. Life just seemed so unfair.

I’m fortunate enough to be pregnant now from my second round of ivf. My friend is about 5 weeks ahead of me and im still struggling with insane jealously. Shes having symptoms i’m not, shes so relaxed and happy about everything, soaking up all the love and excitement about her unborn baby on social media, loads of excess cash for a new family car, a gorgeous nursery and anything and everything a newborn could possibley want. While i’m still struggling with the trauma of infertility, in thousands of pounds worth of debt, and anxious every single day that the rug will be pulled from underneath me. It just doesnt seem fair 😔

What you are feeling is TOTALLY NORMAL and justified. Ive learnt over the years you can be happy for them but sad for you AND THAT IS OK. Take your time to grieve now for how you’re feeling. Take things a step at a time. Be courteous, but keep your distance as much as you are able. I know its hard when its family. You are not alone. Sending big hugs xx

[Tryingtobe_Happy in reply to Sunshine92]

Thank you this makes me feel better reading this. Your right it hits like a train and another reminder of what you don’t have! gosh it hurts! I’m so tired I don’t want to cry about it, but every minute of the day she is in my head!

I’m trying to be kind to myself but it is a process for sure. Xxx

[Hidden]

I have two in my family that are preggo and as sunshine said they are soaking all the goodness in and dont mind talking about their “struggle” every chance they get. In the beginning i couldnt cope especially as i was involved from pregnancy test onwards so i heard all the nausea/symptoms they have from day one. Lockdown helped to not see them every week. Now im a bit less bothered because the only person that can be nice to you is you. Im counting my blessings. Working to make my relationship stronger. Spending more time together. Having cheatnights with a few drinks and unhealthy food and talking. Alot of talking. In the beginning it was maybe more whining “why not me why them” now it is more like oke if nhs doesnt work how we create a baby fund what are we going to do etc etc.

My advice: be nice to your self pamper yourself. Loving a face mask, put a few on during the week. Baking cooking whatever makes you happy. Want to work on your body, explore the supplements that are good for you or join us in the fertility yoga class. Time will pass anyway but we can pass it by feeing bad for ourselves or pass it by being nice to ourselves. And of course just rant away here. We are here for you 😉

Sorry if this isnt a help at all. But this is how i try to deal with it with good and bad days xx sending hugs

[Tryingtobe_Happy in reply to Hidden]

Love your advice. Thank you, I just need a reminder to be nicer to myself! We have been like you having a few cheat nights in, talking about things other than fertility is always nice! I hope I hear back from my clinic soon and find out if I am on the ivf list, that way at least I think I will feel more positive to work towards next step also. Xxx

[Taytay2]

I totally understand this at the start of last year 2 of my sister in laws told us they were pregnant and our niece and nephew were born 3 weeks apart.

I felt so guilty because of how I felt to start with as much as I love them I didn’t want to see them(I have never admitted that to anyone) because of how hard it was to deal with.

My advise is give it time as much as it does still hurt it can’t be me having a great relationship with them has helped me cope it it’s own strange way.

Our time will come and when it does the moment will be even sweeter👌🏻

[Tryingtobe_Happy in reply to Taytay2]

Thanks Tay Tay. I really don’t want it to affect my relationship with them - did you find the more you seen them the easier it gets to adjust to? Last thing I want to do is see them for the first time and breakdown or something.

[Taytay2 in reply to Tryingtobe_Happy]

Yeah the more I seen them the easier it got! We would go round when there was other people there aswell so it was just us which helped.

It was hard after the first time I broke down to my wife afterwards because no one knows we are trying so it was hard but being open and honest with her really helped us both through it.

[Tryingtobe_Happy in reply to Taytay2]

It’s always good that at least we have our partners to support us. I think the first time I see her I will need an exit strategy in case it’s too hard! But with Coronavirus who knows when I will see her anyway xx

[Taytay2 in reply to Tryingtobe_Happy]

Yeah would be so much harder without them. We will get through this though and thinking back we won’t take any of it for granted xx

[Lots8788]

Agree completely with the advice above x you're stronger than you know and we are all in this together x x

[Tryingtobe_Happy in reply to Lots8788]

Thank you! xxx

[LisaHarada]

Perfectly normal to feel that way! My best friend's 20 year old daughter got pregnant and I was insanely jealous and yet want to be happy for her. I stayed away and felt so bad about it... It is really tough and sometimes I too struggle trying to be nice and happy for those around me who are expecting. I took some time away and try to make my own plan. Really just giving it some time works for me.. Big hug for you xxx

[Tryingtobe_Happy in reply to LisaHarada]

Thanks Lisa. I hope it will get easier, we just have to learn to cope! Hugs to you to xxx

[UnicornKisses]

You are absolutely not being selfish. As far as time goes, I’m not sure. I had three sister-in-laws deliver babies this past February (two were ONE DAY apart from each other). It was agonizing. While two of them were very considerate and sensitive to my feelings, one most definitely was not. Saying things out of the blue like “I’ll probably wait longer to announce my next pregnancy, but you have NO IDEA how exciting it is.” Like, I’m very aware that I have no idea, thanks.

I will say, since the babie’s birth she has changed. She has asked many more questions about our IVF rounds & what I’m going through than ever before. I don’t think time has healed me, but by being open with everyone about our struggles it has changed their behaviors & opened their eyes to our struggles. I’m so sorry you are going through this, and I pray you will get your miracle baby someday ❤️

[Tryingtobe_Happy in reply to UnicornKisses]

Wow 3 around the same time, that must have been so hard for you! My sister in law knows about our struggles ttc so I hope she will be considerate to our feelings time will tell I guess. xxx

[TheSeal]

oh hun you're not selfish at all. I am in a very similar situation, it's not my sister in law (although she thought at some point and i was going down the drain) but it's my friend. We've known each other since we were 13 (20 yr ago). Things happened between us but I am so jealous that she had a little girl with no issue at all. nothing. No problems, no spotting. Nothing. The dream pregnancy. I am trying everything in my power to keep the distance but it just doesn't help. I am dragged by jealousy and i can't help it. What you feel in totally normal, don't feel a bad person because of this, don't feel selfish as you're not.

Maybe time will heal, maybe my own baby will heal. I am trying to conceive again now but no luck. I am hoping that time will bring me both my rainbow baby and the happiness for my friend. I can't be happy for her, I just can't.

Be gentle to yourself, these feelings are normal. you're not alone.

Hugs!

[Tryingtobe_Happy in reply to TheSeal]

Aww I’m sorry you feel this to! It’s such a sick feeling in my stomach! The last thing i want is to drift away from people because of it 😣. Xxx

[TheSeal in reply to Tryingtobe_Happy]

It is indeed, it sucks :(((( I am not sure that for me time is working for my healing process. Or maybe my miscarriage is still too fresh and i need more time. I don't want either to drift away because of this but my mental health is more important atm. Just try to do what is best for you. If it helps keeping the distance for now, then do it. I have to, otherwise I go mad. But everyone is different, do what is best for you!

[Tryingtobe_Happy in reply to TheSeal]

This is were I struggle I think of what i should do to please other people instead of what I actually want to do for myself. Xxx

[TheSeal in reply to Tryingtobe_Happy]

I couldn't agree more. that's what i did for most of my life. now it's time to think about myself you're not alone, you'll go through this . Sending hugs

[Lau94]

I can totally relate to how your feeling! I ended up coming off social media platforms such as Facebook and Instagram because every time I went on there was reference to babies or another announcement and of course I’m happy for those people I wouldn’t want people to have to go through any fertility struggles but inside I’m so upset that’s it not me announcing and I feel so guilty for feeling that way, so I came off social media so I could stop myself seeing or feeling a type of way about it. Of course when it’s family it’s right there in front of you the majority of the time but it’s normal to feel how your feeling! And like others have said in time you’ll be happy for others and it’s okay to feel sad for you because fertility is a big and emotional thing

💛 xx

[Tryingtobe_Happy in reply to Lau94]

Thanks for your reply Lau. I just deleted Facebook too, it was having a huge impact - why see it if we don’t have to eh?! Aww it’s so big, that’s the hard part to - although we have support from groups like this; most of the time people closest to us just have no idea what it’s like! xxx

[Hidden]

It is not embarrassing - it is human. We should not be ashamed of wanting what someone else has....especially when we have spent our lifesavings and injected ourselves.

I have also distanced myself from pregnant friends. You have to protect yourself - you have a right to do whatever it takes to make yourself feel ok xx

[Tryingtobe_Happy in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. The reassurance and support here has already made me feel better! Xxx

[Pma2020]

The only way i can deal with it, is to go into hiding (not recommended, as it has really damaged one of my friendships) but its the only way i could cope. I find the pregnancy part harder and normally by the time baby comes I’m in a better place and just happy to meet baby! Xx

[Ariel24]

You are not selfish, although I know that doesn’t help because what you’ve described is everything I feel! I’ve got a similar situation at the moment but can currently hide away (positives of lockdown) but I’m dreading how tough that will get. Also, when my sister in law got pregnant - exactly the same feeling, especially as it was on their first month of trying, their honeymoon, but I think over time more and more you see how different every situation is.

Personally, I’ve found out how good my relationships have been with friends who have been pregnant and had babies throughout this time because the ones that have been the most supportive have allowed me space, been discrete and reassured me I wasn’t being a bad friend.

If relationships are really good, they can mend further down the line when you’re able to allow that to happen.

I’d say look after you and your mental health, taking a step back from people is fine, they will have plenty of people fussing over them and taking care of them so don’t worry. True friends understand why you’re being like that!