I'm new here. My sister just text me to announce her pregnancy :-( I just can't cope.

[Fletch]

Firstly, I'm angry at getting a text with her news. Really? A text? It's so gutless. I'm so angry with her that she'd come to the decision that a text would be a good idea. She knows what my OH and I have been through. She's a coward and I'm so, so angry.

We've been trying for over 4 years. Or is it 5?!? God, The years just blend into one another in a heap of infertile crap. Last summer we had a failed round of IVF. I then apparently fell pregnant naturally and then apparently had a miscarriage. I say apparently because this was all unbeknownst to me/us. It was only when it (the sample/embryo) was sent off for testing and the results came back did I find out what had happened. We're now about 6 months past all of this and I'd JUST started to move on and feel like I'm coping better. I've been in a bad place with depression, but I've been feeling more positive lately. But then I got "that text" and it's plummeted me back to square one.

I've always felt ok with pregnancy announcements. Granted, It's sad, but, I've always been OK and managed to find a way of being happy for them. I was happy for my sisters first pregnancy 3 years ago? But, then, a lot has happened since then I suppose.

I'm angry because she's poorly. She's riddled with arthritis and really struggles with her daughter/my niece. She relys on my/our mum for help (as well as her husband but as our mum is retired and hes at work, its our mum that goes to her rescue) because some days she struggles to get out of bed; she's in that much pain. She can't get down on the floor to play with my niece because it's in her knees. She can't get her in and out of the car because it's in her hands. She had to go from a full time job to 6 hours a week because thats all she can manage with her current health. And now she's pregnant!!! Again. I'm angry at how selfish she's been by putting her want for a second child above what is right/ethical/sensible. And here's me, in such a better position than her to raise a child and yet can't. The injustice of it. I just can't cope with it. I honestly don't know how I'm going to cope with the next 9 months, watching her belly grow and grow, while she's getting help and support from everyone pandering around her "because she's in pain" and all I can think is "WELL MAYBE SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE GOT PREGNANT THEN!".

And I feel awful for feeling like this. I'm a horrible person aren't I? Poorly people raise children all the time. It doesn't mean she doesn't deserve it. That's what the rational side of my brain is telling me but it's being over ruled by the emotional side which is just full of rage. Are these feelings even real? Or is this just a mask because of what I've been through over the last few months. If she was well, healthy and normal would I still feel so upset by her news? I just dont know. By the text, yes. Absolutely. But I don't know whether these are genuine emotions, or whether I'd be filled with anger and hurt regardless of her circumstances.

I don't even want to speak to her. I just want to run away and not have to face this. What am I going to do? How can I get over this and just be happy for her?

[Tugsgirl]

Hi. Welcome. No one will judge you here. Most of us will understand you. Don't be so hard on yourself. I had a similar situation with a friend who announced her 5th pregnancy straight after two other friends had announced pregnancies/given birth. At the time I was convinced she'd got pregnant just to spite me. She loves to be the centre of attention. She knew how much we were struggling. She didn't even tell me, mutual friends did and then I had to act like I didn't know. She had been warned against having anymore pregnancies because of her back. It had gotten so bad she'd had surgery and she'd pull out of concerts (because of the standing) and even the cinema (because of the sitting). She always said she was done having anymore at her age (at the time 35, now we're both 37 this year) and had a patronising "just wait until you have kids, you'll see" and "I'm done, Ive paid my dues, your turn next!" attitude about her. The pregnancy was an "accident" I was so angry with her. I know now that my anger boiled down to one thing; jealousy. Why should she have 5 when I couldn't have 1?? Her baby is 8 months now. I have avoided her in town and online. But a few days ago we finally cleared the air. She apologised because she knows how insensitive she can be. She said it was her way of coping with life. I apologised for trying to block her out of mine. It's helped. I wouldn't say we're suddenly close anymore but I'm glad we had a chance to talk because we go back a long way..

Take some time. If and when you feel ready, talk to your sister and clear the air. Perhaps she told you by text because she was afraid how you'd react. (That's why my friend kept me out of the loop so long). In the meantime have a rant on here. We can relate x

[Fletch in reply to Tugsgirl]

Thank you for your reply. It's so helpful to know that it's not just me that has these awful feelings. I think you're probably right; I'm sure she just didn't know how to say it and wasn't sure how I'd react, so opted with texting as it takes away the awkwardness. I just feel like as her sister, I deserved a bit better than that. If a friend text or emailed me that news then I'd think fair enough, but my sister?! Im just disappointed that she took the easy option. She was scared. I get it. It just wasn't very nice for me unfortunately, but maybe however she told me I would've reacted exactly the same.

I suppose it does all boil down to jealousy.... which is hard to say. Jealousy is a horrid trate. But yes, im jealous. Shes unwell and has gotten pregnant: Im much healthier in comparison (although I do have health isdues too) and I cant. And I find that so unfair. I also find it so irresponsible of her to do this. She's not thinking about the baby/child. She's just had it fixed in her head that she wanted a second child, Regardless of whether it was a good time or not. With her arthritis the way it is, anyone with any common sense or rational thinking would tell her to wait until she felt a bit better and she had it under control. She's going to need so much help and support from everybody in the family and I just don't feel as though I can provide her with that because I don't support how wreckless and selfish she's being. Me being unable to fall pregnant just makes it all such a kick in the teeth. I just can't fathom how on earth I'm going to "be there for her". It's just so hard. I don't know how I'm going to do this.

[Tugsgirl in reply to Fletch]

It's hard but you will cope. Don't force yourself to be there for her. You'll probably find that given time your attitude may soften a little. Don't be too hard on yourself

[Fletch in reply to Tugsgirl]

Thankyou x I suppose it's still very raw now. Perhaps in a few months time I won't feel like this. I hope not anyway

[72cloud9]

Completely get it!! I get mad at my sister in law! She barely lets my mother in law see her grandkid & it causes so much upset to her.i get upset to as I would have given her her 1st grandchild if I hadn't miscarried. When she fell pregnant my brotherinlaw admitted to my partner that the whole family had been discussing how to tell us!! Made us feel so much worse!! She's 2&1/2 now so I'm just waiting for another pregnancy announcement while it's looking more & more likely we have to stop trying altogether b4 we lose ourselves completely!!

Don't b hard on urself, your feelings are so normal.thats y this group so good-u can vent on here rather than out loud as sometimes those on the outside won't get how we r feeling.yhat said, it is your sister so might be worth telling her that u thought a text announcement completely insensitive!!

Good luck honey xxx

[Fletch in reply to 72cloud9]

Oh yes, I can imagine that it's been discussed in great length "how to tell Aimee". Which is why it's even harder to accept that the conclusion was .... a text!!! Ridiculous. Thanks for your reply. I'm so grateful to have a place where I can vent and not get judged. She's not the most approachable of people so it's not worth telling her that sending a text was insensitive. She'll find a way of making me feel bad for it somehow.

X

[72cloud9 in reply to Fletch]

I think sadly sometimes we just have to bite our tongues.i have 2 friends that I feel a bit let down by on this journey and I've been avoiding them til I can avoid no more.ive had to decide to bite my tongue for now & give them one more chance to show me an ounce of support but I won't find it easy!x

[Fletch in reply to 72cloud9]

I think you're probably right. This is just something I've unfortunately got to put up and shut up about. I just hope she'll understand that I haven't physically got it in me to be as hands on as I was with her first pregnancy with my niece. Too much as happened since then. I'm not the same person. I've changed. A lot has happened in my/our fertility journey since then. Avoidence is exactly what I want to do... and if it wasnt my sister id probably do that... But avoiding my sister isnt really an option. This could literally tear my whole family apart if i did what I actually want to do... Which is to just run away and pretend this isnt happening! Thankyou for your kind words. I really appreciate everyone's replies x

[72cloud9 in reply to Fletch]

If u r strong enuf to deal with this crappy journey that is IVF, u will get thru this with your sister! But have a rant any time on here any time u need! Take care 😘

[Fletch in reply to 72cloud9]

Thankyou. God we have a rough deal don't we? I don't think anyone can really appreciate and understand what we actually go through.They think they do, but they have no idea. It is HARD.

[vic77]

Welcome on here love you are so in the right place. All those mixed feelings and the roller coaster of emotions is sadly normal on here so we can all relate. My heart goes out to you it really does. I wonder if your sister text as she didn't know how to tell you face to face. .I don't know but I certainly text when I don't feel like speaking face to face. Do you have a plan for more treatment so you can focus more on yourself and what is next for you? Take lots of care of yourself and I hope the comments on here support and help you through this tough time xxxxxx

[Fletch in reply to vic77]

Good point... Your post has definitely made me realise that my focus should be less about her and more about me and hubby. I have no plans for another ivf round any time soon. I'm sure it'll happen but I'm just not ready yet. Unlike my stupid sister, I'm sensible and I'm aware enough to realise that now probably isnt a good time and until I'm over what happened last year, I shouldn't try again. We needed this break. It almost broke my marriage. It almost broke me. So My focus is my marriage atm. That was the case before my sister announced her pregnancy... I guess nothing has changed and that should still be my focus now. I need to repair still. I honestly don't know how some couples have one round of ivf after another after another. It's been 6 months and I still cry when I talk about it x I'm having counselling. That's my focus. It just feels as though this has transported me backwards. It's so terrible that I just can't feel happy for her

As for the text... God knows why she chose to do that. Only she knows. I just think she was scared about telling me and chose the cowards way. The easy way. The painless way (for her). She didn't have to face a reaction by texting me. But I definitely deserved more. It wasn't even a direct text to me with the purpose of telling me. I'd text her first, asking how she was. She replied saying her arthritis had been really bad and she was struggling. I replied offering her some of my strong painkillers that I have at my house that aren't being used. She then replied that she can't take painkillers because she's pregnant. Sorry to tell you this way. Blar Blar Blar. So can you see why I'm so angry? It wasn't even as though she'd directly text me to tell me! It was a secondary thing. If I hadn't have text her, I wouldn't know.

[vic77 in reply to Fletch]

Yeah that sounds a bit strange of yoir sister. .I would be open with her if you can and tell her how her behaviour made you feel..maybe don't text her though..lol. you sound like you have had such a tough time and you are being very sensible giving yourself time to heal and prioritise your marriage. I certainly think infertility has such a negative impact on relationships. I get angry that our newly wed years were consumed with ttc..my fault I know but you have to remember to look after each other and prioritise your relationship. We went back to back treatments cause of our ages and also just felt while on treadmill might as well sray on it..everyone is different. I hope you get situation with your sister resolved xxx

[Fletch in reply to vic77]

I'm probably being too sensible! That's probably my problem. I'm 35 and hubby is 42. We should probably be giving it another go, and pronto. But then I think, I can't bring a baby into a broken marriage. We're getting there more lately, but before Christmas I would've put money on us splitting up. We are newly weds I wish I wasn't as sensible as I am. My sister has just panicked because of her age (37) and thought to herself "I'm getting old. I've got to do this now" but I'm just too sensible to think like that. If I was her, I would've thought "I'll get on top of my health problems and then try". I'm angry that this logic didn't strike her. She's even been told her RA is degenerative and it's going to get worse. Again. A sign that would've told me to just be happy and fortunate with the one that I've got, not quickly have another one. Even saying this (well, typing this) is making me feel like I'm an evil human being though. Am I just jealous, bitter and twisted? Or just too bloody practical.

We'll probably have ivf again this year. Our ages determine that we probably should. I kind of wish that we'd have just stayed on the treadmill like you did. Having this break didn't do me any favours really. And knowing I've got to do it all again is the worst prospect! In that respect, I can see why people do go back to back and Just keep going. I admire your strength that you did that. Dr's all told us that we should do that but we decided we just didn't have it in us.

I'd talk to my sister but as I've said in a reply to someone else, she's not the most approachable of people. It's not a conversation that'd end with her apologising and we'd hug and walk off into the sunset. She'd probably end up having a go at me and telling me how selfish I am and that "not everything is about you you know Aimee". She upset me a few months back with some thoughtless comment and I told her it'd hurt me, hoping we could discuss it and mover forward. The outcome was that She shouted in my face and didn't speak to me for 3 months. She's been suffering from depression because of her deteriorated health, which only started about 2 years ago so she's had a lot going on, and her depression has just made her completely crazy and unreasonable. Another reason why I think her having a baby is f*#!ing ludicrous.

Sigh.

Thankyou so much for all your words. It's really helping me to talk this stuff out.

[katya38]

It is really really hard. ☺ but guess you have to think of the long term positive. That you ll be getting a new niece or nephew xx

[Fletch in reply to katya38]

I'm really trying to think like that. It's hard, but I'm trying to focus on the good. Thankyou x x

[katya38 in reply to Fletch]

My sister and sister in law were both pregnant just as we'd been referred for ivf. I now have 2 adorable nieces xx

[lauren3189]

Back on here after a long break. I feel the same as you and can relate to all of your frustrations. You aren't selfish you are human and you are bound to have all these feelings. I wish you all the best xx

[Fletch in reply to lauren3189]

Thankyou so much. Having these awful, negative feelings just make me feel like I'm the worst person in the world. It adds to an already difficult situation. I so want to feel happy for her, I really do. It's like I'm dead inside and I just don't feel capable of being happy for her. It's horrible. I feel like im being so horrible but i cant physically force myself to be happy. I've never felt like this for other pregnancy announcements. Never. It's never felt this hard. I think it's her circumstances that have made me feel like this. It's the same anger I feel when I see pregnant women smoking outside of hospitals or women like a neighbour of mine, on benefits, never worked, (although theres nothing wrong with her,) she shouts at her kids constantly, never takes them out, never spends time with them, absolutely no money, on the bones of her arse living off the state and I see she's now pregnant with another. I feel that same anger. Why is it right that babies are being born when really, it's not an appropriate time if the parents were all truly honest with themselves. And I'm here... ready... I'm ready..!!!. it's a good time... we're financially ready... I'm healthy (ish)... IM READY. It's an appropriate time for us! Im not riddled with arthritis! I can pick up my baby! But I can't. I'm not capable of concieving. God, it's so unfair. I'm not dealing with this well at all

[Beanme]

Welcome Fletch, Im sorry to hear your having a hard time of it. Its frustrating when things dont work out the way we plan but remember its not your fault. It sounds like your sister didnt want to upset you or felt that a txt was more tactful. You may have felt its flippant especially with you being sisters but she may not have intended it to be. Its ok to feel angry and hurt but dont let it eat you. I hope you find peace with this xxx We are here for you☺

[Fletch in reply to Beanme]

I honestly don't know how to find that peace.. I wish I did. I'm getting counselling at the moment to deal with all the crap that went on last year (that I didn't deal with last year and just buried my head in the sand instead). I'll have to bring it up with my counsellor the next time I go and we can work through it that way. I honestly don't know how to not let this eat me up. I want to be happy for her but I just can't. I want to just run away! Thanks for your reply. I'm sure it'll get easier. I hope it gets easier.x

[Beanme in reply to Fletch]

Sending you loads and loads and loads of big huge hugs xxx

[Fletch in reply to Beanme]

Thankyou x

[Lizzielizzielizzie in reply to Fletch]

I'm so glad you have access to counselling. I hope it helps you to work through this tricky situation.

[Fletch in reply to Lizzielizzielizzie]

Thankyou. I am lucky. My DR referred me for it a couple of months back, seeing that I was finding things hard. I hope they'll teach me how to feel happier with this situation. I can't spend 9 months swerving my sister!

[Kelly-03]

Hi,

Your allowed to feel how you want to and we all have to be honest and you can here. These times are difficult but we're stronger than we think and this time is for you to concentrate on you and your OH and your journey, it's good to let it all out. Can you talk to your sister and explain it upset you she sent a text. Sometimes honesty is the best policy x take care of You! X

[Fletch in reply to Kelly-03]

Thankyou so much for replying on here. Writing all these feelings on here has really helped me to deal with this. Its so lovely not to feel judged from having these thoughts x You're completely right... My focus needs to be on me and my husband. Nothing else. I need to separate our journey from my sisters journey. We're on different paths. I think when other people get pregnant it just reminds us of what we haven't got, but that does not mean it'll never happen, even though at the time that's exactly what it feels like. But it's not the case. I may try and talk to her at some point and explain that a text hurt... I'm just wary that it'll fall on deaf ears and it could be pointless. She has a unique talent of turning things around so that she's the victim and I'm the bad guy. It'll be my fault somehow that I got that text. We'll see. I shouldn't assume. And what she does with that information is on her, not me. I can only control things with me. My thoughts. My reactions. My feelings. One step at a time. Thankyou. Much appreciated x x x

[Kelly-03 in reply to Fletch]

I'm just glad you can let your feelings out on here x you just take things how you want too and maybe you getting in the best place for you and the OH is most important,however that maybe, Relaxing and enjoying some quality time, hopefully she will be more understanding one day xx

[Smithha]

Hey lovely and welcome xx everything you have said and feel is totally natural and understandable xxx I'm sure your sister didn't mean to upset you, even though I think she should have told you face to face xx we are all here for lovely and believe me this journey has taken me to some very dark place, all I want is to be a mum and have my family complete ... I've just done my FET and I test on Thursday ... have AF symptoms and have had slight spotting today and horrible cramps, trying to stay positive but feel like this is all slipping through my fingers again, soooo blooming hard all of this!! Inbox me if you ever want to chat xxxx big hugs xxxxx

[Fletch in reply to Smithha]

Thankyou for your reply. It's nice to know that how I'm feeling is understandable and normal. I'm feeling less awful abouthe myself for having those feelings. I don't think she meant to hurt me. I think she just wanted to get it off her conscience quickly and as pain free for her as possible. She's in pain, stressing about the baby apparently and I think she just thought "I'm haven't got the mental capacity or energy to deal with my sisters issues so I'm just getting it over and done with so it's over.". I honestly think that was thought process. It's been a week now and there's been no contact to enquire into my wellbeing. I think she's got bigger fish to fry then think about me. This obviously hurts but it is what it is.

Hope everything is OK with you. Sounds like a big week for you. X