Its a long one but any advice would be appreciated...

[aamiller405]

Ok this is a hard one to explain... My brother is having a baby now at the end of the month. This news hit me hard. I always thought id be the first one to give my parents a grandchild. Ive been trying to for years but then my brother gf just ended up pregnant by accident.

So when this was announced at xmas after me having a misscarriage and another failed FET..well it hurt.

His gf also has another little girl who my parents dote on...which i totally understand.. i dote on her too. But yeah it can be difficult watching them in the grandparent role with another child that further reminds me i havent been able to give them grandchildren and now i will never be the first to do so.

Recently the little girl has become so jealous of me being around my mum and dad. I think its reaction to the baby almost being here. But she literally told me she hates me and everytime im around my parents she just squeals at me to go and cries and whinges that she doesnt want me near them cause im 'taking her spot'

Its just making me feel even more pushed out of everything. She is always at my parents house so anytime i visit recently i just end up leaving because shes such hard work when im around. Shes even started telling lies to my parents saying that ive hurt her or snatched things off her etc.

I dont really know what to do.. im hurt that she hates me when i try so hard with her, im hurt that my parents allow this behaviour and in the end she gets what she wants and i have to leave. And im hurting that the new baby is coming along soon and i still dont have that either.

Its like this whole other section of my family is being created where im not needed or wanted.

The little girls mum is trying her best, she has asked me to be the babys godmother and she tries so hard to get the other little girl to stop her behaviour but were at a loss and in the end its just easier for everyone if im not there.

Any advice???

[LunaLovegood11]

Oh that sounds just dreadful! What a little madam... 😡

She can see the love and affection your parents and others have for you and doesn’t like it.

Perhaps tell your parents that you need their support still and feel pushed out, and ask them to make time for you without her?

If she’s being disruptive then her mum and your brother have to understand this, and they perhaps can’t control it but can give you time with your family without her ruining it xxx

[aamiller405 in reply to LunaLovegood11]

Thank you for her reply.. yeah i think it is stressing her mum out aswell because she cant seem to stop it.. but yeah prehaps need to speak to my parents about it x

[Lovemylion]

O poor u! That’s just awful. As if you need this on top of going through your own emotional journey. How old is the little girl? I’m sure you’ve already tried it or do.....but what about making a massive fuss of her first when you see her? She’ll probably be clocking the fact that you there to see them and doesn’t want any attention to be taken away from her. I always remember my grandma saying it’s better to kill someone with kindness....or words to that affect😂 Or if that doesn’t work perhaps even explain to her that her words really hurt you and make you upset, rather than just pretending it’s ok 🤷🏼‍♀️.......I understand it’s difficult for you though......the mum should really make a big effort to nip that behaviour in the bud before she goes round to your parents if it’s everytime. She is obviously struggling with a new imminent arrival and can’t process her emotions of feeling vulnerable. Also I think like the other poster said and perhaps speak with your parents and arrange some alone time if nothing is working as you just don’t need that. Xxxxx

[aamiller405 in reply to Lovemylion]

Thank you.. shes 5.. so a new baby is a big deal so i understand that is upsetting her.. unfortunately i have tried both the kill with kindness approach and the explaining it to her approach but so far were not able to win in any direction it seems. But i guess well keep trying until we find a solution x

[Hidden]

Hey this sounds such a tricky situation

My small input is that my sister had a baby just after my second MC and my second failed ivf. I had delayed ttc as she couldn’t bear for me to get pregnant before her - then lost two babies in the time she was pregnant

For the first 9 months or so i felt so pushed out. I was asked to support her through post natal depression and yet it was ALL about her and baby and it was suggested I didn’t go round at the same time as she did to my folks house as it was supposed to be a happy time and I just made it a bit difficult (I didn’t do anything specific but just struggled with gushing or feeling sorry for my sister when she had all I wanted)

It settled down over time as things got less raw. I have had MC and failed rounds since but somehow the presence of my nephew hurts less and I definitely feel less like the black sheep

I don’t want to say it’s all in your head as I am sure it’s not, but I think we unknowingly make things a bit worse over analysing things and I am sure it will all settle over time

Masses of luck lovely xx

[aamiller405 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much i really appreciate your perspective on it all and yeah im sure youre right in part i know im oversensitive myself atm which doesnt help...thank you x

[MissSaoPaulo]

I used to feel hurt when my mum was always posting and sharing pictures of her partner's daughter's little boy - a happy accident when she was 23. Meanwhile I was 36 and struggling to conceive. In the end I told my mum how much it bothered me and she toned it down a bit. She just didn't realise. To be fair, I had never told her we were trying and failing to have a baby so she had no way of knowing.

Anyway, your situation sounds horrible. All of the upset about infertility plus a bratty child. It's the perfect storm - very upsetting and unfair.

I think you're right that it's stemming from your niece's insecurity about the new baby and probably a family effort is needed to work on that, from your brother, his GF and your parents. While it's awful for you, she's just a scared child who needs to be reassured. You know how awful it is to feel you're being pushed out, so you can imagine how she's feeling worried about that too. I think a lot of honesty, openness, vulnerability and empathy from everyone would maybe help clear the air and help you all see a way forward. I hope you can work it out, it must be really getting you down. Big hugs xxx

[aamiller405 in reply to MissSaoPaulo]

Thank you for your reply.. yeah of course its understandable shes feeling this way with a new baby looming.. im seeing my parents tomorrow and she wont be there so ill have a good chat with them and see if we can find a way to help fix things x

[jenny34]

Hi, this sounds so difficult. But I strongly believe that it is not your responsibility to do the right thing (whatever that may be) for this child. That is up to her mum and dad. If she cant behave nicely towards you then you need to be able to have time at your parents without her being there. You have enough on your plate and you really need your mum and dad at the moment, surely they can see that! Personally, unless she has additional needs, this behaviour needs to be nipped in the bud and fast. She is old enough to know what is hurtful to others and not. Maybe if it happened a couple of times. But it happened lots and is shocking behaviour. And not your job to deal with it or sort it out! I would focus on yourself and telling your parents you need time with them without her being there. That is perfectly reasonable. Sending love xxxxxx

[aamiller405 in reply to jenny34]

Thank you.. chatting with my parents atm actually trying to work it all out x

[treezuk]

Something that struck me is that the little girl is actually getting what she wants by you leaving so she has nan and grandad back all to herself , the issue with this is that it then becomes a pattern and she will do it with everything including the new baby she will think if she creates enough she will get what she wants “ baby goes” or “auntie leaves” etc

The best thing you could do is actually stand your ground and stay there because then it shows her she isn’t going to win , reason I say this is because my son is like this he is autistic and had so many issues at his last school we took him out but he quickly realised if he misbehaved the school would send him home so it then became a pattern as he didn’t wanna be there now we’re having to work really hard at home to replace some of these behaviours so for example when his tutor come he kicked off at her one day , she stood her ground and refused to leave which is what he wanted and eventually he stopped because he knew she wasn’t going anywhere.

Sorry for the essay but hope that helps

[aamiller405 in reply to treezuk]

Thank you that is very helpful actually and makes a lot of sense.. thank you for that ill give that a try and see how that goes xo

[treezuk in reply to aamiller405]

No worries at all as hard as it will be I would just take yourself off in another room or the garden away from her if it’s getting to a point your about to blow but just make a point of not leaving and just say to your parents - I’m just going in the garden for a bit of fresh air in her ear shot so she knows your not going home it won’t happen the first time but it’s a case of keep doing it and eventually she should give in.

Explain to your mum and her mum what your doing to because this is something they can try in their own houses if she tries this behaviour again with someone else.

[aamiller405 in reply to treezuk]

Thank you xo

[theotherblonde]

aamiller405

I could have wrote this myself as I was in a very similar situation to you. A couple of weeks after I got engaged (3 years ago nearly) my brother announced that his girlfriend (who none of my family met) was pregnant.

It really stung that I was not the first to give them grandchildren as I am the older one. I felt like it made me look bad and had so many eyes on me as if ohh is something wrong with her that her brother has a baby and she doesn’t.

Even then I didn’t know I had infertility problems but I had an idea about it. When the baby was born, I fell in love with her and I truly do love my niece. It was difficult during the pregnancy as I was also planning my wedding and I couldn’t stand hearing about babies and it hurt to see my mum get so excited over another girls bump!

So I got married and less than a year lager they were pregnant again. This time I did know that I needed IVF and I was really upset this time. Not so much from a jealously things about first grandchild like before but more so just feeling like life is unfair.

I hardly see my niece and new phew but they are amazing. My mum and dad has them all the time and it’s not easy seeing them get so happy around them when I feel like I am missing out. My parents also know how much I am hurting though and they are very respectable and excited to have grandchildren from me. It doesn’t make it any less special.

As for this little girl, she is only 5 and the way she acts is not a reflection on her but the way she is raised. Try to not take it so personally as she is just a child. Children also tend to act different around grandparents and they do parents because they think they can get away with murder. I know your like just go away (I would be as well) but speak to your brother about his child’s behaviour. As soon as the baby comes she will have to get used to sharing and it’s probably best otherwise she will grow up with a bad attitude. Again though she is only 5, not 25!

Your time will come and I pray you have your own children.

[aamiller405 in reply to theotherblonde]

Thank you for taking the time to share your story. That does sound very difficult..i guess infertility is just the gift that just keeps giving eh. But thank you for letting me know im not alone x

[Hartley1]

Poor you...she sounds like a nightmare child. You need your mum and dad especially going through ivf and your brother will have to understand this. I think theyll have to not be there all the time so you get one on one with your parents or you can meet up with parents away from their home. Your niece will grow out of it but I think it'll take time..the new baby can change her either way better or worse...but her behaviour initially will need addressing with adults telling her She's wrong and at the same time showing her love...etc...tricky one! Good luck to you anyway xxx

[aamiller405 in reply to Hartley1]

Thank you very much.. hopefully we manage to resolve it soon x