I've had enough. Endo has ripped my life apart and I'm sorry to say I let it. But not anymore!!
When I'm "well" I'm the most patient, kind, thoughtful, fun person to be with but when the endo symptoms kick in I'm depressed, anxious, angry, sore, exhausted, bloated, constipated, I don't sleep, I don't want to socialise, I shut myself away from people, I've let endo take over and I let it beat me, I let it make me believe there is no hope, that no treatment will work, that I am stuck with this. I have reached the bottom now the only way is up.
The doctor upped my anti-depressants this week and I met with a councillor to talk about how this been affecting me and to try to help me come to terms with it. It was great to talk it over with someone who listened and didn't just say "oh that must be awful" or "yeah I have bad periods too" or "oh it will be better when you have kids" etc. She helped me to realise a few things, things I already knew deep down but had become so negative about everything I really couldn't think clearly. I'm feeling on top of the world, probably the tablets kicking in, for the first time in a long time I'm not exhausted. I've had a day of no pain and thinking clearer.
What I didn't realise was that when I decided not to burden my friends and family with how I was feeling I actually stopped talking to them about anything. I was so sick of the sound of my own voice, of me moaning about being unwell, how the hell did they feel? So when they asked how I was I would say "yeah I'm fine" and leave it at that. I stopped talking to the people closest to me, I shut them out, I pushed them away. I avoided them. I cocooned myself, I wallowed in self pity, had constant fights with myself, telling myself it's going to get better (how could it get worse?), there are women out there who have beaten this why not me? but endo would always rear it's ugly head taunting me making me believe that this is my lot, get used to it. Put up and shut up.
I'm waiting for my referral, the consultant asked me to try the coil again 5 months ago and if there was no improvement she will do another lap. I'm going to insist on this I am going to start fighting again. I will continue to refuse any hormone treatment. I want to get to the route of this and not mask it with medication. I want to get rid of this disease once and for all and will do anything to achieve this.
So Endo you have a battle on your hands. You are not getting to break me, I will fight you every step of the way. I owe it to myself, I owe it to my nearest and dearest. I want to start living again and enjoy life, I want to be normal again, I want to be that nice, fun girl again. She's in there (somewhere) and she's bursting to come back.