I just want to cry :-(

[Kaysha40]

I'm hurting so bad today and just want to cry. I planned to go for a picnic today with my two princesses, and I have to let them down again......

I'm stuck in this bed again..... My room is my prison !! My partner is my carer !! And I miss playing with my kids.

I'm having lap and a mass removed from my incisiol scar removed on Monday , I was scared but now I'm not I just what them to get in there and do whatever they can to give me even a bit of my life back.

The endo was picked up on ultra sound as was fibroid, and it dictates my life to me. I feel frustrated and upset today, I really wanted to watch my kids on the train, feed the ducks etc . I'm getting frustrated and feel guilty because I just sound like I'm wallowing in self pity so I'm mad at myself , right now.

I really do know there are worse things for people to go through, I just feeling over whelmed with guilt today it's either the kids stay in or go out with there dad but either way. I'm stuck in bed in chronic burning, stabbing miserable pain. I can not stand ,sit bend, pick my kids up.

I just had to tell someone anyone who understands I really feel like I'm must be boring my partner so much. All we seem to talk about is endo I'm always saying sorry I feel I'm always letting him and my girls down. I'm so sick of seeing my ceiling I'm so sick of decorating my room in my mind because I'm so sick of seeing it.

I just read a post about lady doing a run today for endo charity it made me cry thank god for these people. These decease effects so many life's. And bless every single one of you that feel like I do today. I have to keep telling myself it's ok to have a bad day but then I look at the disapointment in my girls face when I can't go and it's hurt so bad.

Thank you for listening I just needed to sound off big hugs kx

[Mummy1982]

Hi hun.

Really sorry to hear that you are suffering with such bad pain.

I'm I the same situation I have recently been diagnosed with Endometriosis and Adenomyosis I was told after my laparoscopy that if the pain was still bad I would need a hysterectomy.

Since my laparoscopy things seem to be getting worse and worse, I have spent 11 days in hospital I have recently found out my vaginal wall has prolapsed and the pain I endure in a daily basis is unreal im on morphine but even that doesn't take it away it dulls it.

I feel exactly the same as you I have 3 kids and I feel like I let them and my partner down constantly, I am a different person since this had started I'm miserable from being in pain, im like a emotional wreck and just feel that I'm not being a good mother or partner to be honest.

Try not to feel guilty hun, we all have those days where we feel guilty but what I keep telling myself is I didn't ask for this pain ever.

I hope this helps to know you aren't alone.

Jo xx

[Kaysha40 in reply to Mummy1982]

Hi jo

Thank you so much for replying it means a lot to me. Im so sorry you are going through so much pain too. Is such a cruel decease. You are bound to be emotional, your body is fighting hard so your exhausted. One thing I am trying is guided meditation for chronic pain on utube. Ninjas use meditation to block out extreme pain ( I need some ninja training to live with this lol) you mind is a powerful thing it takes time but some nights with help of the corriander oil in burner heat. pad , codine and meditation I've managed to fall asleep. I'm desperate to try anything to help. But somedays I have not even got the strength to fight and as you know there the worst because not only do you have pain and are mentally tired you feel that anxiousness, guilt, despair, frustration, but thank you because tonight I don't have to add alone to my list my partner try's bless him but he can never know xx

[Mummy1982 in reply to Kaysha40]

It's just the worse thing because there is no cure for it i think mentally it drains you knowing that it will come back.

That's interesting what you have said about the mediation i will definately have a look.

I am really trying to approach mine from a natural point of view following a endo diet loosely and taking supplements, there is a great book I brought recently if you are trying from a natural way I would really recommend it it's called the period repair manual by Lara Briden it has section on Endometriosis i have found some of the things have really helped.

I am always bring essential oil I think it helps you keep your mind calm it also helps my son who has some special needs it really helps relaxation.

I know it's tough hun it really is but have to keep fighting, especially when you have kids it gives you something to fight for and I'm so grateful I had my kids young before any of this because I don't think I would be able to have them now so feel very blessed.

Take care hun, if you ever want to chat pm me.

Lots of hugs

Jo xx

[Azure_Sky]

Dear Kaysha40, Please don't despair. It is perhaps best to wait until after your operation, before promising your princesses a day out. I am sure they would be just as happy, to sit with you and talk about their lives, at school, their friends, the games they play. You might even feel up to telling them stories, about when you were little.

They love YOU as you are, because you are their Mum. Just being with you is important. A kiss and cuddle go a long, long way.

[Kaysha40 in reply to Azure_Sky]

Hi, thank you so much for your reply and your right I shouldn't promise them before op or when I'm on my period full stop to go any where. and believe me when I say I try all day to have story time and I cuddle them every chance I get my girls are 3 though Lily's got Down syndrome so she does not understand that she can't use me as I bouncy castle,even ellie will only remember for a short time. So I suppose I'm getting upset as well because I will have stitches and more pain than now even. And then I have to spend more time in my prision ( I mean my room ) they want to cuddle me, stand, on me sit on my knee to have there drinks one on each knee because that's normal that's what we've always done. lily was breast fed so she is always attached to me and Ellie's my grandaughter but she lives with me as well and she needs loads of cuddles too because of her mums attachment issues, mums got bi poler. I'm on my period right now as well and the world does not make any sense. I'm scared as well I say I'm not but I am. I'm having op in the morning. I've still got some PTSD from the emergency c section, lily and I very nearly wasn't here at all. But on a positive note, I'm there tomorrow so no more waiting. You think I would be used to waiting I started my periods at 10 and they have been a nightmare since I'm 40 now and I'm only just having my first lap. 30 years it's took them to listen. They told me I had pcos in my twentys through ultra sound. It's took for endo to grow on insisiol scar ( which they tried to convince me was just a lump of fat) for them to do another scan and find endo in several places in my womb. I have lost twins due to miscarriage I hemridged then. And I hemridged with my first daughter twice when I was 18 so I'm just over all very anxious . Another positive I have wonderful lady's like you that understand so that's a blessing in its self kx

[Bexstar74]

Hi hunni. I'm so sorry to hear you're having a tough time. I too am really struggling. The past three months (I've had diagnosis in November 2014 and first lap surgery then) and its getting worse not better. I'm also a mum so feel your pain. I get peed off when my body dictates my mood or plans for the day going up in smoke and I'm also in the position where I'm reluctant to bore my husband about my problems as I think it's boring him. Men just don't understand. Simple.

You are not alone in feeling down and fed up. I've spent the past three months pretty much on painkillers the entire time but I hit rock bottom last Sunday and ended up in bed in pain and crying for a couple of hours. I just couldn't cope.

I'm back off to the docs tomorrow and will be demanding a referral back to consultant.

Hang in there. Sending you lots of love x xx

[Kaysha40]

Hi , thank you so much for taking the time to reply Hun. I feel every thing you feel and the days are long. I'm sat in bed typing this and I can hear my girls playing down stairs waiting for the next wave of cramps 5th time this morning ( to much pain to keep coming up and down stairs ) to empty my bowels it happens every time I bleed, I've got to go out later so hoping it doesn't last all day. I need to see my other grandchild so I will crawl there if I have too. I will have 3 kids 3 and under at a play centre and I'm in so much pain. If I don't see him now I won't see him for weeks until I recover. I have to travel to see him. Every day is a struggle. And I suppose as well I need to get out of my head that I'm going to go in for lap and they will make it all better because It might not be that way. If you ever want to vent just message me because I will understand big hugs kx

[Kaysha40]

Hi, everyone well this is it ....no Go going back now ... Well unless they cancel that is, please god don't let them cancel ( I have sleep apnea so they might ) thank you too you all for helping me get though until today, listening understand and for just knowing how I feel big hugs kx

[Clairecarebear]

Hi I really do sympathise with you. I was diagnosed with endo last year and have been at my wits end. I have found a consultant Mr Trehan in Halifax he only does private but he totally understands. I have had a lap and I am booked in 2nd July for surgery for endo to be totally remove he has pioneer this. I will let you know how it goes. Hope you are feeling well today.

[Sam341]

Hi kaysha,

Your post instantly reduced me to tears. I know how you feel.

Curently lying in the sofa at my patio door watching my son play in the sun. He keeps begging mum to help and play but I'm so exhausted and so sore that I can bare to stand or sit.

It's the guilt that hurts most though.

Thanks for sharing, it makes me feel a little better to know I'm not the only one. I'm the same as you and get so angry with myself for feeling sorry for myself.

Get well soon! Maybe put a blanket down and have a picnic in mums bed. I'm sure your princesses will love it just as much.

[Metalchick101]

Hi Kaysha,

I know how you feel. I'm due to get married this July and I keep debating with myself if I should call the wedding off. I'm so tired of being a burden to my partner, it's not fair to him and I just keep thinking he could find someone who's life is dependent on their level of daily pain. Xx