I am sick of being home alone, long term sick, unemployed and no daily routine. What can I do?

I have just spent 2 days helping a friend paint their new home and it made me feel wonderful. I normally have no reason to leave the house on a daily basis apart from shopping and the odd walk. I am on ESA support for 2 years and I am so bored and feel hopeless. My friends have all started families I now rarely see them and I live alone.

Now the painting is over I fear I may not have anything to do and will not see anyone for a long time. I have even thought, screw the ESA and just get any job, but have been advised this is a bad idea while unwell. I would like to do something everyday but with people who understand my depression anxiety and physical health conditions. I rarely see my family they live quite far away and do not enjoy socialising with me. I do see people occasionally but a reason to leave the house everyday is what I need. It is saturday afternoon and I am alone lying on my bed. I feel I have no options what so ever. I am lonely and feel depression starting to take hold. I could ring someone but an hour on the phone is not enough. I want to know I will have something to do tomorrow or at least someone to see for the day.

I do not understand the term ESA Support group, where is the support? Why in this day an age is there no activity for people like me as well as all the others lonely in their homes right now. I have spent most of the day looking for help and things to do but it seems their is very little. I feel so lonely their are old people in my street whose families visit them everyday I hear phones ringing next door constantly while I sit in silence.

My depression became so bad recently I had to go to A and E as I thought I may harm myself. After this a psychiatrist told me I need a routine and that was it. I thought I am ill and being ill stops me from having a routine why don't you help me get one, she just got me out of her consolation room as quick as possible after a generalised diagnosis.

Living alone with physical and mental illness is almost unbearable for me. There must be more to life. I have hobbies buy all solo activities virtually no contact with people except for medical interactions. I really do not know If I can cope with one more day like this.

43 Replies

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  • I know how u feel,I have bad health at the mo besides depression ,I live alone also since my husband died,8yrs ago,I come on here if I feel awfull which is quit often at the mo,I sometimes dread each day moong wondering wat is in store for me each day,but I get through it somehow ,I have craft hobbies I enjoy ,I keep in touch on Facebook ,I know it's perhaps not the sme as going out but it helps,there is light at the end of the tunnel love,I promise,if ur feeling blue come on here ,there's allways someone around xxxxx

  • Thank you Meg, my friend said I need to take small steps. Im looking at college courses but they are far away and the buses here are terrible. I just wish someone would visit me my family are all enjoying themselves right now while I sit here alone. I really don't think they realise how lonely and depressed I am. Sometimes I feel doing things for a couple of days then having nothing to do can actually make me feel worse. I know this isn't true as I have stayed indoors for weeks at a time before in the past. This never happened in the past people seem so involved in their own families what are you supposed to do it you don't have one. I feel I may never have one due to my illness and I will be lonely forever. I appreciate everyone on here but if only we were all having a cup of tea with each other instead of sitting in front of our computers alone. xx

  • I too like company but hardly get any,my daughter lives a long way off and works full time I have a friend who takes me shopping every sat ,because I get nervous if I go out alone,I have the odd neighbour pop in from time to time,I agree a group of us over a nice cup of tea would b nice,but people lead busy lives ,it's the way of the world,wat part of the country do u live in ,I'm in lancs?

  • I'm in Liverpool right near the city going out alone today would just make me feel worse and once I was out I'd see loads of people with other people or children. I sometimes think I took a totally wrong turn in my life to end up here alone. I just don't fit in with everyday people I don't like football, prejudice or showing off and thats how people seem to fit in these days. I think I might watch a film or just watch TV why are so many of us living alone and unhappy these days what happened to community?

  • I lost my husband 8yrs ago to a brain tumour,and my son 3yrs ago who died in his sleep ,this is why I'm alone ,I miss them both terribly ,but I know they wouldn't want me to cry all the time ,though sometimes I do,a lot, I watch movies a lot too,I have the tvon most of the time be a use I like to hear a human voice,I find it helps

  • I am very sorry to hear that it must be hard for you I hope you find comfort in the people on this website and life becomes easier. Today must be hard for everyone it is so grey out my window I don't know about yours. Lets hope tomorrow is a brighter one. X

  • Yes it started out quite sunny then now it's raining,hope the sun will come back soon for us all,things will start to get better love,but if it's late at nite come on here. ,info ,manys the time wen I'm low it's got me through ,ther a brill bunch on here xxxx

  • Your right I only joined a few days ago and can't stop coming back its lovely how supportive you all are xx

  • try this, I think it's still running

    2020healthandwellbeing.org....

  • Firstly, things won't always be this bad, they get better.

    I find the best way to get through life is having a calender with lots of things filled in that you can look forward too. You could phone up your friends and family and organise some days to meet up with them. It can be simple things such as meeting up for a coffee or more active things like meeting up at the weekend and going for a spa day, or shopping, or going somewhere you enjoy.

    I don't know if physical problems prevent you from doing this, but you could find somewhere to volunteer. I volunteer at a charity shop and I find it something really nice to look forward too. Everyone is very friendly and it's a great way to meet new people, plus you're making life better for other people too, which is a bonus.

    Trying to find things to fill up your days in between are good. Plan your days in advance. If you can, try and find a calender or something with lots of times on it (so it reads 9:00am, 10:00am etc.) and then at the beginnning of each day fill in what you are going to and stick to the plan. This will mean you have your mind focused and helps you feel more organised. If not then a piece of plan paper will do just as well.

    You could buy some cook books and practice your cooking, maybe make some cakes or plan a 3 course meal and then invite some friends or family round to see what it's like. Also, diet is very important in depression, I'm sure people have already told you that but from personal experience I can promise it is. Cooking healthy and well-balanced meals can make a big difference in your life.

    Reading is also good, you could try and join a bookclub, or if there isn't one you could look into starting one.

    When you are sat and are feeling low, listening to music is good. You could make a collection of your favourite songs on an ipod or CD and listen to them, turning up the music and singing along is always fun.

    Try to avoid doing things online - if you need to do some food shopping then actually go out to the shop because it is more social and will fill in more time.

    It takes a lot of effort because if you don't give it 100% then you won't get better, you have to consciously choose to make yourself busy. Buying inspirational quote books can help quite a lot, and sometimes self help books. I know it can feel quite embarrassing buying these but you have to make sure you're doing everything you can, because you get one shot at life, and then that's it forever. You can't choose the hand your dealt but you can choose how to play it, and you've got to try and make sure you play it in a way that makes you happy. Don't tell yourself you'll do it tomorrow, do it now. Start now, because every second you sit and put it off the more time you've wasted being sad. You can choose to be happy. It's not easy, but it's possible.

    It's very important you do everything you can to resist harming yourself as it will become incredibly difficult to stop, it will make it a much longer road to recovery.

    If you are really finding no point in living, CBT (cognitive behavorial therapy) and hypnotherapy can be very effective. I recommend hypnotherapy as it was more effective for me, but CBT works well too. Try to avoid taking anti-depressants etc because they will only help in the short term. Herbal medicines such as 'Rescue Remedy' help a lot and are all natural. That one in particular helps with anxiety but there are others you can take for other things.

    I hope this might have helped and take care xx

  • Thank you fife. Your advice is great and I am doing some of these things but all of a sudden all of my friends were gone. They all had children at once like they were copying one another they all are physically and mentally well as far as I know and seem to not care as much about me now they have their families. I do agree with everything you say and am doing a lot of the things you suggested its just finding people to activities with us so difficult especially ones who are nice and not controlled by what they read in newspapers and watch on tv. I am trying now to get some structure but today nothing is happening. I've been food shopping today but that's all I can do. I do group therapy on Tuesdays and that is my only regular activity I just want more.

  • Well it's great you have such a good attitude, actually wanting to do more means that you're much more open to finding things to do.

    If they've permentantly left you then maybe try and find some new friends because they might not be all they said they were, but also give it time if you can, because they are probably excited but so busy with their families they haven't realised the effect it's had on you. Talking to them about it might help, so that at least you know they're aware and then the choices they make from there let you know the position they're in. Also, you'll find that everyone has something, just because they seem fine you can never know for sure. Maybe they're finding their families hard and just want a bit of them time, in which case asking is a good way to benefit everyone.

    I know you said that getting a job wasn't advised but maybe just a part time job or something like that might give you a bit more of a purpose, and it would open many more opotunities. If it's physical illness holding you back then maybe take a more gental approach, but if it's mental then go for it, because it will help (and make sure you're not lying to yourself about whether it's physical or mental, because you need to believe in yourself, i'm sure so many others do).

    I know it's annoying having people tell you that you just need to get over it and get out there because it's never that simple, but if you put in the time and effort then things will work themselves out. Just try your best to keep an open mind and know that you can do whatever you want to do ;)

  • Thanks fife I am starting to look at as many options as possible I've emailed 2 places who may be able to help a local college and an advisory service. I always seem to contact places like this when they are closed. But who knows what Monday will bring.

  • I know this may sound silly to you but do you have a garden? What do you enjoy? Painting, reading.....?

  • Fife, great advice and well meant I'm sure but for me a full calendar full of appointments makes me feel VERY anxious. Baby steps, day at a time for me.

    I don't agree with you about reading self-help books, they can make you feel even more shit about yourself in my opinion. The more I read your post the more I think what you say is all wrong, sorry. CBT and hypnotherapy are options not readily available on the NHS, so, for people not able to afford private medical treatment (the majority here I suspect) they're a unattainable 'wish list'. And, anti-depressant medication (used to treat anxiety). I agree with you that drugs are not a preferable course of treatment (in an ideal world) but many people are so low and entrenched in their depression and anxiety that they need a leg-up out of their pit of turmoil to allow them to address their problems.

  • Hi Agora, just wanted to mention CBT, counselling, nlp (not sure about hypnotherapy) are all available through AnxietyUK. You do have to pay, but its dependent upon income, I think starting at £15 a session. I think it's also usually available within 2 weeks.

  • hi jimboble, so sorry your having such an awful time, I read that you really enjoyed painting, do you feel you could join a club who volunteer to help other people in their homes, you would be meeting new people, new friends, I know by your blog that you got great satisfaction working again, and you never know it may open doors for you, am sure it would give you back a bit of self esteem, take care, xx

  • Thanks Newton its amazing how quickly my mood changes but I was so surprised how the painting made me feel good. It was with people who understood our condition which is much less likely in a standard work environment. I'm not giving up hope yet this wine is helping me tonight though nothing wrong with a glass every now and again I suppose seems to make me feel a little less lonely thanks for your kind words x

  • great , nothing wrong with a glass now and then ,will have one with you tonight . enjoy , xx

  • im in a similr situation, im stuck in and wanting to try more but dont have anyone to try things with. well no one that would understand my situation anyway. x

  • Hi Sam we understand you are not alone that is the best thing about this website. I have just started watching planet of the apes on film 4 with a bottle of white wine. Maybe not the most advisable solution but its working for me. There us always someone who will resonate with what your going through and they may appear in the most unlikely place. Keep looking but also try and look after yourself first. We should all find people to share activities with maybe it'll be easier when the sun comes out and people start having barbecues and things. This has been the longest winter I can remember things sometimes get a little more social in the summer hopefully we will all make good new friends soon. Maybe we could even organise a social event through this website. Opportunity is always there it just seems so distance when our illness is affecting us.

  • hi jim, yeahs i am hoping to get out more in the summer even though its already here i hoping the sun will arive soon. been watching walking dead online with some choc so that helped abit today. it would be great if we could arrange a meet in the future but i think most of us are so far apart. im in essex and i havnt spoke to anyone in essex yet on this site :( hope you have a good evening. x

  • I have two dogs, therefore, they need walked whatever the weather. This gets me out of the house and meeting people!! Feel better when I do!!

  • Definitely explore the option of volunteering. I know I didn't begin to get well until I started to get back into a work environment and it was just the steeping stone I needed to return to paid work.

    You sound like you are ready to move onto the next stage and you obviously have so much to give. I'm sure there are lots of charities in your area who are crying out for help.

    Good Luck ~ keep knocking on doors until one opens for you.xxx

  • I too and single unemployed and live alone so I do understand how you are feeling. Human being are sociable and its not natural for us to be alone for long periods of time. I cope with it by making my own routine. I take my sisters dog out every day, and also visit my mum in her care home. I also belong to dart teams and that is very sociable. I have got a few very close friends but they mainly lead very busy lives. But I do have a number of casual/drinking friends I can find in my local pubs which is a great help. Also I live in quite a small village so know a lot of people in the area and local shops so sometimes I just meander round for a little chat here or there.

    I know its can be very hard but you have to give yourself a reason to get out of bed otherwise its too easy just to stay there. You might not like the things I do but you need to find your own things.

    Its an old cliche but how about volunteering? Or join a class of something. I find once you have got something going it tends to mushroom out and before you know it you have a lot of time filled with various activities and people.

    Good luck with it.

    Bev x

  • I feel so much for you Jim. and Sam. and dear Meg. My son is in the same position as Jim. He has a life threatening illness and so I feel for Meg. People don't understand my son, Sam because he also has Aspergers syndrome. What to say? I wish you were all here in Warwickshire, so I could give you all a big hug and you could all get together with me and my lad and have some fun. I hope you all find some help and some friends. There are so many good people out there - it's just finding them that's a challenge. My boy would get on better if he didn't expect failure before he's even tried something. His main salvation is a local amateur dramatics group. It has given him confidence. Keep at it! xxx

  • I'd suggest a volunteer position. volunteercentreliverpool.or... you might even get something that slowly builds to a college course or employment - baby steps though. I knit and have found great support from knitting group. Shops like Purlesque will be able to link you in ... X

  • Thanks for this I have just emailed them x

  • Ooh hope they can find the right thing for you ... Can I also just say that when you really know what you like you will find people who you naturally fit in with. Don't feel pressured to go to football etc but do start thinking if what you used up enjoy dpi f. You are much more likely up find a partner that way too. groups, walking groups, am dram (even working behind the scenes) church, painting, pottery etc etc there must have been something you used to get pleasure from ... There may be ways to re establish that. ... X

  • Ooh hope they can find the right thing for you ... Can I also just say that when you really know what you like you will find people who you naturally fit in with. Don't feel pressured to go to football etc but do start thinking if what you used up enjoy dpi f. You are much more likely up find a partner that way too. groups, walking groups, am dram (even working behind the scenes) church, painting, pottery etc etc there must have been something you used to get pleasure from ... There may be ways to re establish that. ... X

  • I used to go skateboarding many years ago but I feel too old for it now and it hurts a lot. I do like deejaying but it's not really a thing people do socially. I prefer behind the scenes stuff I have a music background and have qualifications in sound but it must be the hardest thing to find regular activities or even work in. x

  • You might find there are youth groups around you that would love your expertise ... could you maybe help out at a hospital radio station? Remember to tell the volunteer people all about your interests qualifications, bet they'll be interested! I think byte biggest danger is to underestimate the value if your skills and experience. Another thing is maybe seeing if there is a local time bank near you then you can swap skills for other peoples / that way you are getting some concrete reward in return. I have a friend who married young, had her children young and then ended up divorced and an empty nester young! She didn't even like reading ... all her time had been invested I work/home/family. It was hard for her but she just started trying out different clubs and groups ... It took over a year but she now loves her Tai Chai group, zhumba class and she is learning to draw (very nicely too). Maybe this is your time to try out some new things ... You'll probably hate most of them but you never know ... :0) I spin, knit, help out at the kid's school and at church. To be honest most of the time I would rather hide behind the four walls, and my anxiety still is bad - but I know in a funny way it does help. Wish I could help you more ... Hang in there ... :0)

  • Dear Bettie you have been really helpful thank you so much. I've already had an email from the volunteer place and it's exactly what I was looking for. I always want to join groups for things like Tai Chai but was always scared maybe it's time to start looking for something like that maybe even Tai Chai itself. I'm getting excited now. I did got to the docs today and just broke down crying they referred me to counselling and gave me some beta blockers as my heart was racing so fast. I'm starting to feel more positive and I've had beta blockers before and know I they aren't habit forming for me and they seem to be helping a little but the things you suggested are much more positive. I am also moving house which I shared with a partner until last year we had a terrible break up and she literally ran away leaving lots of things behind she wasn't the person I thought she was, the stupid thing is she even told me she'd done exactly the same thing before. So the moving is very upsetting and bringing back lots of older traumatic events that is why I was so upset this morning. But I feel much more positive now because of your help. Thanks again. Jx

  • timebanking.org/ ... Sorry I'll leave you in peace now!

  • So glad you are feeling a wee bit supported. Beta blockers work wonders for me ... I've got slow-release, and ones I can take right away if necessary. House moves are disruptive but sounds like this one will be a good one.

    I always think you can tell a great deal about a group by the way they welcome new people in ... Look forward to hearing how it goes for you ... Remember you deserve good things ... x

  • So many good suggestions, can only back them up. Eg: volunteering, classes of different kinds, getting involved in a political party/local politics. Exercise, whatever kind you like but it really really does help. Tai chi, great, I did that for a while, got very stressed as found it difficult but...I do believe it can really help. I was personally too anxious to do yoga, but aware it helps others. Doing these things may not be easy or even as rewarding as you'd hoped but, little by little things will improve. You then begin to see the world in a different light and more options appear. Agree, don't spend too much time online, just enough to reassure you, you are not alone, there are loads of us!!

  • Hi everyone,

    I've just signed up with this website after searching 'I am sick of being home' (havent left in nearly two weeks apart from shopping on sunday).

    Jim, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate to deal with, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I was wondering whether a pet might alleviate the loneliness a little, and help with having a sense of purpose in your daily life. Nothing too demanding, but maybe even a bird table if you have a garden in you new space or a guinea pig/hamster/rabbit (something cute that you can cuddle but that doesn't require lot of physical exertion)? Also, it seemed to me, and i may have read it incorrectly, that there is a sense of disappointment with how people are unable to see your inner pain, and with the fickle and selfish behaviour and attitudes that are sadly becoming more and more the norm in our overly individualised world. Your kind and caring responses to others on here show what a lovely heart you have, and how you do care very much about others, there was a very strong energy in your replies, and in details re helping friend and being understanding towards ex-partner that indicate a 'helper soul'. Maybe some kind of voluntary work where you are helping someone worse off will give you an opportunity to see your own strength and courage. I hope I'm not sounding 'preachy', but hard to get tone right sometimes when typing(no eye contact or body language to read and respond to).

    I have a theory that there are some people more sensitive to what is happening around us than others, they act as conduits and barometers of where we are at as a species at any particular time. Maybe you're feeling the pain of others too, because you have the depth inside you to be able to do so. i don't know if any of this makes sense to you -it makes sense inside my own head but difficult to word it as I feel it.

    I'm so happy that you are feeling more positive than when you made initial post - hopefully, being in a new environment without all the old memories hanging around will be a good thing. I'm going to suggest a few things that help me; feel free to disregard anything that doesn't sound useful. I find that burning incense sticks or oil (lavender, orange, frankincense, rosewood, or combinations of them depending on where I'm at. Lavender good for relaxing, orange quite refreshing, lots of info on net about different oils and their properties) keeps the energies in my space from getting too 'heavy' or cluttered. We create thought forms with our minds and emotions, and when i am in 'downsville' it literally feels like there is a big fat cloud sitting right over my head, and I can't see the beauty in this world, just the pain, and loneliness. I find being in a quiet place, and really looking at the natural beauty helps me to get reconnected with the inner source of light and love. When was the last time you went cloudwatching? If you have a seat where you can and look at the sky, I recommend it as a way of getting out of the mind by being creative with nature. I find my anxiety increases massively when I start thinking about what I don't have and where I should be, how I'm going to cope, what will happen to me, will I ever have a family of my own etc. This is where some kind of spiritual belief helps me. What is our purpose on this earth? Who made me? Why are we here? What were sent here to do? Where will we go next? I find comfort in reading the stories of old, of people that strove to overcome, of prophets despised by those they were sent to help, and it doesn't feel so bad that people don't always understand me or love me as I want to be loved, as there is a source of love that exists within me, a wellspring that I can tap into (when I can get past my issues!) that affirms that I am a unique manifestation of Love and Light.

    I hope these words help in some way. With lots of love to all on here xx Alisha xx

  • Hi Alisha thanks for your lovely response. I do actually have a cat I love her lots. We have just moved most of my stuff today she is currently hiding underneath the bed getting used to the place. I really didn't realise how much she meant to me until these last few days . I've been so worried about her well being. She got here ok and seems to be happy even purring a bit. I suppose I'm not really alone then after all. I feel much better now the bulk of moving is out the way. I just hope it lasts I think the reason I feel better is because I haven't stopped packing, carrying and arrangeing stiff for some time. Ive been stressing about moving for about 3 weeks solid and today I feel some relief for the first time since. I have much nicer views now than I did I may be able to cloud watch from my bed. I wish I could meet more people like you in real life you have great outlook, wisdom and know how to make me feel better about myself. I hope you are feeling well today. Thanks so much for your response xx

  • You're very welcome, and thank you; knowing that my words helped has made me feel happier, and not so useless.Glad that you have your feline companion and that she is also settling into the new space; no, you're not alone, but equally there is nothing wrong in feeling that you want human company, too. Well done on getting through the move, and to kitty too; I hope settling in is a smooth process, and that you have nice neighbours. three weeks of stress re moving is bound to affect the mood of anyone, especially if you are doing this alone - I hope you feel proud of what you have accomplished. And you'll be cloudwatching from your bedroom window - sounds fab:-) I hope you settle into space well, and have some nice neighbours:-) You can message me on here if you want to share anything; I'm not online every day but i will get back to you as soon as I can.

    Sending you lots of peace and love and praying life brings you many blessings. Take care and thank you for your kind words - they lifted my heart xx xx

  • I feel it too my father passed away 2 years ago this July 4th. What's worse I can't seem to find a job and when I do I can't hold on to it. I never cared for any of the jobs I've had. I'm 46 and nowhere in life. I'm not suicidal but I'm really lost, mostly angry don't know why either. I've become what I don't want to be an angry old man. Most people who go through this, go straight to drugs and alcohol. I don't even care enough to do that.

  • Hello Jimboble

    I know this post is old but I wanted to let you know your not alone.

    I am currently suffering from severe anxiety disorder and not only do I feel sick a lot I don't know if I'm coming or going.

    I'm sorry your going through this and I hate that you feel so alone but please remember your not.

    Hope your doing better now :)

  • I have always been alone. I was an only child. No friends in any of the schools I went to. I was the one never picked for the team. Too small. Too fat. Too lazy (I had undiagnosed asthma). Girls bever bothered with me as I sweat profusely whenever stressed, or embarassed or just for no reason due to congential hyper and hypo thermia. I worked for 16 years. I am above degree level qualified. Now I am completely alone and jobless. But I never give up. I take my situation and devote myself to learning new things. I am learning javascript. I am learning how to use an ipad pro to draw. I am taking an accountancy course to become a chartered accountant. And I might take other courses. I know I will die alone perhaps in the next 15 years. No one will mourn my passing. No one will shed a tear as all my relatives will be or are dead. No one will leave a rose on my grave. The world is a sad place as our lives have no purpose. Love and reproduction is ultimately just a biological tragedy for every new life creates more individuals to suffer abd perish.

    Even Emperors will eventually be forgotten so who am I to worry about such things. By 2046 an energy crisis is coming. It will be good not to be alive by then.

    Life is just like cherry blossom. Where it blows no one knows but it can be beautiful while it lasts.

  • No, u r just too short...heehee. U r probably the best one to come to for advice, r pretty and have a great sense of humor!

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