Well the anxieties lessened, all over with the potential OH, and has yet again been replaced with crushing depression. Its always one or the other, its never just normal. I was in work the other day and i thought why am i here? What possible purpose am i on this planet for. I ve no one special, the chances of me meeting someone and having a family are very slim, age and polycystic ovaries are against me. I always maintain i dont like children and i dont want them but thats not true. A bloke in work asked me with disbelief in his voice " you dont want children?" not in a mean way in a pitying unbelieving way, i could have sobbed right there and then, Its too late for me, im 34 and single, i cant socialise to meet anyone i tried the internet but even that made me anxious, i just cant see my life changing.
I ve got no friends either, as the years go on they all meet people and start having families, there lives have moved away and cause i worry that im in the way i ve distanced myself from them and now im alone exept for my sister but i constantly worry something will happen to my sister. I could nt go on if that happend she is all i ve got in the world.
I ve got the docs this morning, im not on meds i ve always resisted them now my sister says i ve got to take them. I dont know the dr its my first time at this surgery, its gonna be like all the other times where i go in and break my heart crying and they just sit there looking at me, im really aware that i ve only got a few minutes too cause theres a waiting room full of people.
Im embarrased admitting i feel like this, i dont wanna bring you folks down too i just feel desperate, id never kill myself ever but if someone gave me the option to just never wake up id take it, how horrible is that when theres people fighting for their lives xxx