Not doing as well as i thought i was after all!

[looking-glass34]

Well the anxieties lessened, all over with the potential OH, and has yet again been replaced with crushing depression. Its always one or the other, its never just normal. I was in work the other day and i thought why am i here? What possible purpose am i on this planet for. I ve no one special, the chances of me meeting someone and having a family are very slim, age and polycystic ovaries are against me. I always maintain i dont like children and i dont want them but thats not true. A bloke in work asked me with disbelief in his voice " you dont want children?" not in a mean way in a pitying unbelieving way, i could have sobbed right there and then, Its too late for me, im 34 and single, i cant socialise to meet anyone i tried the internet but even that made me anxious, i just cant see my life changing.

I ve got no friends either, as the years go on they all meet people and start having families, there lives have moved away and cause i worry that im in the way i ve distanced myself from them and now im alone exept for my sister but i constantly worry something will happen to my sister. I could nt go on if that happend she is all i ve got in the world.

I ve got the docs this morning, im not on meds i ve always resisted them now my sister says i ve got to take them. I dont know the dr its my first time at this surgery, its gonna be like all the other times where i go in and break my heart crying and they just sit there looking at me, im really aware that i ve only got a few minutes too cause theres a waiting room full of people.

Im embarrased admitting i feel like this, i dont wanna bring you folks down too i just feel desperate, id never kill myself ever but if someone gave me the option to just never wake up id take it, how horrible is that when theres people fighting for their lives xxx

[Hidden]

Hi Looking glass,

First of all you are not alone, you have here to come on and chat as much as you like.

I am in a new area and don't have any friends, and I am not the sort of person who can just go out some where and make friends, so I sort of know how you feel.

I have the doctors on Friday and I feel the same, I start looking round thinking all these people waiting etc, then I get stressed out about it all. But the time you have with your doctor is your time tell him the truth of how you feel, maybe you could get some counselling CBT. It's not up to your sister to say you should be taking meds really. They do work well for some people it is up to you if you want to take them or not, please tell your doctor this. Lets us know how you get on and I will let you know how I get on Friday okay? look for my post on Thursday night as I am sure I will be anxious then. take care and chat away on here you are not alone. gardener x

[looking-glass34 in reply to Hidden]

Thankyou for replying to me, im worried about him suggesting cbt, i ve tried it before and it works on the basis of what you think about yourself not being true, but what if it is true. All the men who ve left me after a couple of months after initially being crazy about me, they cant all be wrong. Im the common denominator, if i was a nice person i would have friends, theres no positive i can tell myself to counteract the negative thoughts about myself because they re true. if they were nt i would nt be alone. i just want the meds now so the feelings of not wanting to be here go away. I think thats about as good as its going to get, my life is a waste, someone else could be doing something with it, not just wasting it and wishing it away like i am xxxx

[Mysteryreader in reply to looking-glass34]

The negative thoughts about yourself although 'real' thoughts can not be 'real' as your sister still has an established positive relationship with you.

Do you think you go for the same type of men who are basically non- commiters and not in it for the full haul when the going gets tough? In my opinion some people and men in particular have real difficulties dealing with mental health issues. You get comments such as 'get a grip' Also if you feel negative about yourself you may competly unintentially create a negative atmoshere with others

Re medication I'm sure it works for some but for others it is not the right choice. Basically it is your choice. do you feel they would help or do you want to try other options such as mindfulness?

Although I don't know you I'm sure you are a nice person. Keep posting on here as I have found it provides reasurrance for those of us who don't feel worthwhile

Good luck

Mystery Reader

[looking-glass34]

Hi, i seem to always manage to root out the non comitters, if someones a lovely bloke i tend to think why would they want me when they could have someone better? Im like 2 different people, the going out face i put on is the ultimate disguise, if u asked an aquaintance to describe me they would say bubbly, positive, outgoing and friendly. Its all an act! I attract men fairly easily somehow, im not the prettiest of girls so it must be my fake personality, as soon as they see the real me they end it. I just need to find someone who thinks im worth the hassle. Years ago on his way out the door my ex husband said to me your not a keeper for anyone, at the time i was like yeah whatever but as the years have passed i think he was right. Thankyou for taking the time to reply to me, im off to the drs now so hopefully i will have cheered up later. Fingers crossed he does nt just sit looking at me like i ve got 2 heads xxxx

[Hidden]

Hi

Hope your appointment with the doctors goes OK

I am just the same , rambling on quick when I get in there so aware of others waiting , yet mine is always running late & people that have gone in before me can be in there ages , so I have to try & remind myself as already said , this is my appointment & try & make the most of it especially as some of us have to wait long enough to get an appointment !

I do take a list with me with the things I want to mention , that way If I am feeling rushed I get that out & dont have to come away with that feeling , I wanted to mention this & that & forgot because I felt under pressure

Hope you get your meds & they will start to help soon

Love

whywhy

xxx

[looking-glass34]

Hi whywhy,

I just got back from the docs, she was amazing, really young too. I did nt feel like i was being silly at all, she s referred me for cbt, given me beta blockers and flouxitine 40 mg. i was expecting a fight for my antacid meds but she was brilliant, she just said it needs to be looked at but its not the issue at the moment and she does nt want me in physical pain unecessarily. I ve never had meds before so i just shoved them down in the car before i bottled it, im not reading the side effects leaflet either, as long as they dont kill me any side effect cant be as bad as what im feeling today!

On a slightly different note, i ve just had to put 30 quid on a credit card that i ll struggle to pay off to get my script, im going to sort out a direct debit later for the pre payment card but i was sat in the chemists crying because of it like a lunatic, loads of scumbags coming in an giving it i ve got a pre payment card but i ve not got it with me...i wanted to stand up and shout liars at them xxxxx

[Hidden in reply to looking-glass34]

Oh thats good news

Good for you , I have a meds fear & only just learning not to read the side effects & I always skip the bit when it mentions one in so many thousands have ever reported this

Keep it up & dont read them & no they wont kill you

Oh I no what you mean & I would have felt just the same in the chemist & yes no doubt they will have been lying , again my anxiety doesnt allow me to lie , would cause me more anxiety , but you were desperate today , so it had to be done & I would send for a pre payment card ASP , as these will be on repeat & as you no this will save you loads of money

So pleased it all went well

Be nice to yourself today & feel proud

xxx

[looking-glass34]

ps...is it ever acceptable to put a status update on facebook saying. The happy, confident girl you all think your "friends" with...well she s not real. She goes home takes off her mask and cries herself to sleep every night cause she s got depression and an anxiety disorder. anyone who cant deal with this please delete me! Id love to be brave enough to put it, my guess is most would delete tho xxx

[Hidden in reply to looking-glass34]

Oh Looking glass

When it comes to FB I am the worse person to ask advice on this one

I have FB , mainly so my kids can message me (and must say thats when they are mainly at work they do it ) but other than them & a couple of their friends & just recently I have allowed 3 people I no on there , i dont let anyone else on

So I think if I made that statement no one would delete as the few on there no what I am like anyway

I am very selective

xxx

[Blorengia in reply to looking-glass34]

Re. putting a status on facebook about your depression and anxiety.

My experience: I was diagnosed with GAD (General Anxiety Disorder) earlier this year - fortunately I've now come out of it and I'm feeling "normal" again. I use facebook daily and have quite a lot of friends (the people I know quite well) and acquaintances (the people I know through common interests but I don't know them well). I selected a group of about 20 of my facebook friends, the ones I've met often and know quite well, and put them into a facebook group for 'Close friends'. I then put up a status for that group only, explained the GAD and said that I just wanted them to know the situation etc etc.

I had only good responses from it - many posted positive, supportive comments about it and I was surprised at how many said that they, too, had been through bad bouts of anxiety - or someone in their family had suffers from it. Two or three others PM-ed me privately and said that they were still suffering/receiving treatment and I had had no idea that these friends had similar problems to me. It made me realise that it's far more common than I originally thought and just because people seem OK on the outside sometimes there's all sorts of stuff happening that doesn't show on the surface.

[Hidden]

Hiya My lovely.....I totally understand how youre feeling and everyone here will too..... its crap when you feel like this, but you will get better... Im the same with men so I do understand, but I think you need to concentrate on getting yourself right without thinking about men, this is also a liberating feeling to think bollocks to men for now...... I always pick the wrong ones, it doesn't make up bad people!!

Youre still young love so stop worrying, the anxiety gives us negative thoughts about everything and we can sometimes turn on ourselves and have low self-esteem, I know I have, but I also realise now that I need to be confident in myself first, get to know the person you are instead of trying to please other people al the time!

Maybe when you feel better you could look at starting a hobby that would get you out meeting new people, something that you enjoy and youre doing for you and no one else??

I totally understand how you feel, cos I feel like that too, but everyone deserves to be loved, it doesn't have to be men though....... I think we just have to learn to love ourselves first and then it will fall into place but don't rush,,, be nice to yourself, you deserve it!!

Well done on going to gps, give the meds some time to work, and be nice to yourself!!

Sending you lots of love and positive hope xx

[looking-glass34]

Thankyou all so much, i dont know what i would have done without you today, i ve not been that low for a long time. Im feeling a bit brighter now, just cause i ve actually done something positive about my condition rather than keep disappearing down the rabbit hole xxxx

[Hidden in reply to looking-glass34]

Glad youre feeling a little more brighter...... its hard at times, but were here for you !! xx

[looking-glass34]

If someone had said what do u need this morning i would have said a hug off whywhy or you! Everyone on heres lovely but you two are definatley the site mummies! xxxx

[Hidden in reply to looking-glass34]

thanks for your lovely words and Im glad you feel like that, but Im nowhere near as good as whywhy....... Ive just happened to be around at the right time for you keep strong lovely xx

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Oh yes you are

XXX

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

xxx