Loosing control

[Charitysteve]

Hi out there, never thought I would do this but maybe it will help some how .

I've taken sertrilene For about 4 years now for anxiety and it seems to help most days but over the last year or so I've walked away from 2 jobs because when things start to go wrong or people get under my skin I become less professional and voice my opinions in a very negative way which just adds fuel to a tense situation.

I know the last few weeks have been building up and my probationary meeting was due yesterday, during the meeting I could feel my anxiety building and their comments focused on a couple of these instances and nothing about the good work I have done the last 4 months,well one thing led to another and for the first time in 40 years of working they have extended the prob period.

Later I took myself off to a quiet place and it all got too much for me and whilst crying and thinking about my wife who is my life and how it was going all bad again I attempted to cut my wrist.

Sat here today I'm only glad I messed that up, I don't really want to die but just want to be happy at work, I've a wonderful family and a beautiful. Grand daughter but when at work when people do things that irratate me it get wells up in side me and I speak out loud.

I don't get angry in the sense of rage or physical but just vocal about the situation, cannot seem to hold it back.

I've previously had in my career good well paid jobs with responsibility and respect, where I made decisions and my input was required, I'm educated to degree level which I did when 43 yrs old, those job brought the pressures also, and found eventually could not function, so last few years my jobs have become more manual, which I still enjoy but struggle when I'm not acknowledged for having a brain or experiences to offer.

I know the problem is more about me than the employer, but now I'm lost again.

I'm to see the Dr next week, but I feel the pressure of possibly having to leave another job and all I want to do is keep my head down Monday to Friday until I retire in 10/12 years.

Like I said never wrote on a blog before and not sure how you can help if at all but maybe someone out there recognises these problems.........

[debbiejay]

Hiya, Just want to say I can totally identify with what you are saying, and am very much in the same position. I have a good degree and know that I am capable of many things...and yet I am struggling. I can get quite high profile positions as I have good experience and know that I come across well at interview. However, twice now, I have had to leave jobs because the anxiety makes it impossible for me to cope in those types of roles, and I prefer to take less pressurised positions. Then I find it hard to accept that I have no input, and am treated as if I am irrelevant, which means that I get frustrated and angry (as you say, not in a physical way though). My problem is that I usually walk out, because my paranoia convinces me that I have set people against me. In reality, I don't think this is true, and if I faced up to things it would be possible to work through the situation. However, I've always been good at running away.

Bit of a vicious circle isn't it. I am currently out of work, and looking for a new job, but my anxiety is pretty bad at the moment, and so makes it difficult for me to visualise coping with added strain of new people etc. I know exactly what you mean about wanting to just keep your head down and see out your time! Me too. I know I have nothing really to offer in the way of solutions, but it comforts me to know that I am not alone with this problem, so I hope that it offers you some comfort too. I've only just been given sertraline, and haven't dared to take the first dose yet, but, to be honest it doesn't sound great. Have you had counselling to talk these issues through? I think that might be my next step.

Glad to hear that you feel better about not suceeding with slitting your wrists, I know that sometimes it feels like the only way out, but you obviously have people who love you, and that beautiful granddaughter. They would be very hurt, and miss you so much - and you would miss out on seeing her grow up. I know you know these things, and they are obvious, but it is so easy to lose sight of the important things when this cursed anxiety takes over. Be strong, and ask for whatever help you need. Take care.

[Charitysteve in reply to debbiejay]

Hi

Thank you so much for your kind words, yes it does help a little to know your not the only one! The crisis team from mental health have now called at home and we sat for over a hour and half and chatted about everything and any thing, was difficult to start but got better as we talked. Now waited to see if the team will take me on ( seems likely).

Not sure whats going to happen , but it's got to be of benefit ..

Really uncertain about work at the moment, will need a Dr note from Thursday but its the feeling they have failed me in a duty of care as my manager was aware of my anxiety and the taking of sertrilene but kept pressing my buttons in the appraisal.

Clearly I want to work and need to financially but when you loose faith in your line manager it's very difficult to not keep running that through your head.

Plus now a diagnosis should be possible which in a positive way means we will know the best way to help me but its also been labelled which could make it harder to find employment.

Once again really appreciate you taking time out to reply, look after yourself and drop a line any time

Regards

[PeterPan]

A good reply to the problem. Understanding and offering an idea to help. Well done Debbiejay. Definitely go for the counselling or talking therapy. It's a bit like the blog - unburdening your problem. Talking therapies aren't a miracle cure but they help a lot. Learning to vocalise your probelms and how to express yourself are very important in overcoming anxiety problems. I've seen a CBT therapist and had a few sessions with a psychoanalytical psychotherapist and it's motivated me to help myself. I realised that my lack of self estemm came form my relationship with my mother and it made me so annoyed that she's bullied me all my life that I'm determined to get the problem sorted to suit myself. Don't give up your job - at the end of the day they're only people.

[Charitysteve in reply to PeterPan]

Hi

As my reply to debbiejay, this also goes to you, really appreciate your time and advice, I know it going to be a long and testing road ahead, but I have to stop this cycle some how.

Best wishes

[debbiejay]

Hiya, Just want to say how glad I am that you have found some help and support - both on and off the site.

Hope you get your doctor's note, and are able to take time out to deal with the issues in your head - let them take priority over work. You are absolutely right when you say that your manager has failed you, in fact it seems to me that she has delilberately and knowingly made things worse for you. However, in the end we all have to deal with the problem ourselves I guess, no-one can do it for us. I know exactly what you mean about needing to work and the fear of financial problems, and the consequences of 'labelling' are real worries, but my experience has been that unless you get your head sorted there will be a continual threat to your ability to work effectively.

As you say, long road ahead, but hopefully lots of people to help you, and you can always come on here and let it all out and know that other people will understand what you are going through. I wish I had found this site ages ago, as it really helps me. Best wishes and keep letting us know how its going.