Spilt up and back together

[Bigtonyd]

Summer last year I had a break down in my relationship my partner of 17 years told me she nolonger loved me and didnt want to be with me any more. We stayed in the family home together for two months in seperate rooms she moved back in to the bedroom and seemingly we are back together although she dosnt cuddle or kiss me without me asking. she says she doent know what she wants but doesnt want me to leave.

My problem is since all this has happened I seem to have anxiaty attacks when im near her or try to cuddle her my heart races and i worry that she doesnt want that. its very confusing

Will this feeling go away she says its stopping her from getting closer too me im stuck in a catch 22 situation.

[Bigtonyd]

Even when im at work i feel like theres a pressure on my chest and bad thoughts pop into my head i used to be a very positive thinking person and dont understand these feelings. I can get so low some times i just want to be invisable.

[ellabella]

Hi there,

Well I'm not surprised you feel confused with the situation. It seems to me that she wants everything her own way . First she doesn't want you..then she does? Then she doesn't know what she wants? I would be the same as you. No wonder you are anxious Tony. I would advise you to let her make the first move in any cuddle situation and find out what YOU want out of this relationship. Seems to be all in her favour lad? You have a lot of history with this lady, but you don't have to be treat like this. Love from x Ella x

[Hidden]

Hi Bigtonyd

Must feel a bit weary with your OH from what you have said

Maybe have a good talk about how you both feel , to clear the air so you both no exactly what you want & where this is now going

Have you been to see your GP about how you are feeling

Start talking & let people no how you feel

Welcome , keep posting

Love

whywhy

xxx

[ellabella]

Your self esteem has had a good hiding and needs to recover. The anxiety sounds quite mild but won't feel mild to you. They are classic symptoms but you are going to be fine, trust me but you have to take the reins off her a little and steer yourself xxxxxxxxxxxx

[Bigtonyd in reply to ellabella]

i agree Just force of habbit most things i do i think its breaking the habbit thats the hard part.

[Bigtonyd]

She doesnt want to talk about how i feel a perfers if i keep it too my self when i ask whats happing she just tells me to stop rushing.

I went to see the GP she didnt seem too worried and said to just see how things go and if i dont improve or feelings get worse to make another apointment. worst thing is befor this all happened she was the person i talk to about every thing. Now I really need her the most she is not interested. I feel like i lost my life and im fighting to get it back.

Thank you very much for your comments its nice to be able to talk to some body.

[Hidden in reply to Bigtonyd]

If you are not feeling any better love go back to GP like she suggested , sometimes when we first go with anxiety , they leave us to see if it just goes away , when it doesnt we need to go back & let them no we are not feeling any better

I feel for you in your relationship , I would find it very difficult myself , it sounds as if your OH is been a little selfish here & wanting it all , but it has to be give & take

People will support you on here , keep posting

Love

whywhy

xxx

[Bigtonyd in reply to Hidden]

thank you for your comment. What i need to do is stop worring about what she thinks of me and get on with being me.

[sasays in reply to Bigtonyd]

I apologise in advance as I may be able to guess the reaction to the suggestion im about to make but im going to ask you if you've thought about it regardless... couples therapy. She doesn't know what she wants, that's honest, but when will she, how will she figure it out, a relationship is about two people not one. The situation is not fair on you at all and I cant imagine how youre coping. Personally I don't know how youre doing it, a constant waiting game not knowing exactly what youre even waiting for or when its coming, if ever. This is something that has to be spoken about, not forced, but there must be communication. Have a think about it. If anything, perhaps it will help her understand what she wants, she probably doenst know. You deserve to be in a happy and loving relationship, if its this one or not none of us would know but its worth doing what you can to find out maybe. Wishing you all the best, please take care of yourself x

[Hidden in reply to sasays]

I agree I think couples counselling is a great idea.... you can never sort anything without talking and being honest with yourself and others.... Im the worlds worst for not talking,,,, but am making an effort to do this... I think it might be worth suggesting this..... and working through it together... 17 years is a long time and prob a lot to go through.. totally normal to feel anxious in these circumstances, dont think youd be normal if you didnt feel anxious in this situ..

Wishing you all the luck in the world..

xx

[Bigtonyd in reply to Hidden]

thank you Anne I have mentioned on many occasions that if she wants it too work between us we need to talk. but she shuts me down saying she doesn't want to talk about it. She has always struggled expressing her problems.

[ellabella]

You are welcome love, it would be a good idea to google some breathing relaxation....I know ..sounds boring ...but it does help you relax, and every bit helps xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Bigtonyd in reply to ellabella]

yes I have found slow paced breathing helps when the palpatations start just feel a little odd when im out in public.

[Bigtonyd]

felt relaxed last night and cuddled up she pushed me away and i had a really big attack my whole body felt funny i even felt nausaus. so up set this morning i need too lean to back off and just leave her alone.

[Hidden]

Sounds she has the problem not you,just seems to be stressing you,hope it works out.

[Bigtonyd in reply to Hidden]

strange This is what i said too her the other night. when im on a downer and she sees she calls me weak.

[Kaz12345]

You can also go to Relate on your own. May help you to find what you want to do.

[Bigtonyd in reply to Kaz12345]

I have thought about this I am trying to get through this on my own esteam. If i find im still sruggling it might be an option.

[Bigtonyd]

well we managed to have a chat the night before last which ended in an argument, but she seemed to be nicer too me last night probably only because she's going to london in the morning to go parting with her mates.

not been feeling too bad today was having palpatations during the morning but seems to go away by the afternoon. I'll probably go on a downer in the morning when i drop her off at the coach station.

Had a load of blood tests this morning the doctor wanted to make sure that my simptoms arn't physicaly related to any thing else.

I really appriciate all your comments its been really helpful to have someone to share my problems with.

Hopefully I'll get my positive attitude back and be able to help others with there problems.

thank you.

Tony