Feeling low

[Cleaner]

This week has been hell my father in law passed away on Monday, my anxiety and paranoa have been really bad. My husband is very upset and all iv been doing is moning at him about how much it's going to cost. I feel such a nasty person but I can't seam to stop myself. I no it seems stupid but now my washing machine has packed up and all I'm doing is crying my eyes out becauce it's seem everything happens at once. The rest of the family are all helping his mun and all I can do is sit and cry. I'm such a useless person my emotions are all over the place . I don't no if any of this makes sence I feel like crap

[stde]

2012--I got cancer in january......

.My daughter never made it to the alter found out fiance was cheating....Left with expenses and wedding dress we paid for.....help purchase of her new house (children) .family in pieces.......

Mum diagnosed June (cancer).......... I was still knackered with chemo... No financial help DLA said i could walk 500mtrs and cook a snack therefore not entitled (w******rs)

Told dad about mum, he had breakdown, had to stay with him, drugs,emergency doctors,crying, depression....24hr care. my wife stayed in our home luckily just round corner

Stayed for next two months

Mum to get home (paliative care)....stayed for next four months house like hospital beds/oxygen,drugs, nurses........, lifting laying giving drugs, oxygen, carers in to toilet her, broken sleep (it was a privaledge to look after her))....good family who understood...24 hr care.now two people to look after.....

Two months ago central heating boiler went in my house.told new boiler needed (not working/financial struggle)...needed full system as old radiators would not stand pressure. up came wooden floors/pipe chases/floorboards in our house (just round corner)....house sitll needs put back (more money!!) but busy staying with dad as Mum passed away....my good wife helps where she can but looks after grandchildren so kids can work.......

As i write this trying to talk dad into going out..........stayed again last night but given time have to get him to cope......he has sight problems'..........

AND etc etc etc..........yes there was more!!!!!!!!!!!!

DO I DESERVE PRAISE AND A MEDAL.......................NO !!!!!!!!!

So why am I not having anxiety attacks/depression and hospitilisation?

Because i have been there........because my thinking changed.........everything I have mentioned are Life Events that I could not control.....I realise that I,m not that special in Gods great plan to escape these...........

This may be hard but if I carry anger/dissappointment or bitterness about life events I would never have become well.

I read posts and can feel these emotions but cannot comment as people have to have a spiritual awakening to realise that Life owes us nothing but this is up to them to continue as they are, or to change..........

I posted just to say my thoughts are with you..........you are not alone.........those who survive think different.this is our problem we just think different.......love and support........x

[Cleaner in reply to stde]

Now I am feeling even more guilty & crap after reading what you've been though,

[stde in reply to Cleaner]

no ..no...no.xxxx

wrote this from the heart, knowing how you are feeling.......

It was really just to say you will be able to cope (I never thought I would have)

at one time I could not even cope if the toaster broke...ha ha

my thoughts are with you I know how it feels and you will get better..................love stde x

[BriarRose in reply to stde]

I have to agree with Sasays - sorry, Stde, but i do't think someone else's post where they're asking for help is the place to post about YOUR problems - and even less how well you coped/are coping. As Cleaner said, it made her feel more guilty!

It seems you've been through/are going through a lot, Stde, but I think the place to post about these things are your own blogs, not other peoples.

I am only saying this to help, and hope you will receive it in that spirit.

Rose

[stde in reply to BriarRose]

No problem, briar rose...x

I listen to everyones points of view but infact I did not see it as posting MY problems as to me they were not problems but "life events" that I could not control....

Anyway you will see above your post I explained.....and the reason i,m coping is not because of self esteem but I have no choice......Everything was said with the best of intention....

thanks for your comment.......stde.............xx

[fadedlizard]

Dear Cleaner,

Please don't feel guilty i promise that was not Stde's intention rather to reassure you of two things.

First you are not alone; many of us have other problems on top of our anxiety and depression. Put them in a list and they look spectacular, although in reality they are just life.

Secondly - none of this is your fault. No, really it isn't.

One of the worst symptoms of depression and anxiety is guilty. At our most fragile we beat ourselves up about everything. I know - I've been there. But in reality Cleaner, nothing that is happening is within your control. You didn't make it happen and you cannot fix it. Yes, of course you want to be there for your husband but in reality there is precious little that you can do to minimise his grief. You cannot take his grief away from him and it would not be right to do so. Neither is it likely that your illness is making his situation worse. The two things are different.

And you are ill, Cleaner, you have been through a lot and you are still not well. In view of that you are coping as best you can at this time. I wonder if you were physically ill and having to manage your symptoms along side everyhting else whether you would be giving yourself such a hard time? I suspect not. This expectation of ourselves to somehow rise above the restrictions of our illness when faced with a new situation is peculiar to nervous/mental illness. There are somethings you can deal with and somethings you cannot. This won't always be the case but today it is and hard though it is you have to try and accept where you are now. Yes, I know much easier said than done. I have very high expectations of myself. I hate to see people suffer and it is very easy for me wear myself out trying to take the problem away from them. Indeed it has taken me a long time (and a lot of painful experiences) to realise that I am not the All Powerful Oz - it isn't my job to fix everything!!!!!

I don't know if I've said anything that has helped, love. I feel I'm waffling a bit.

Please do not feel alone. You are not a nasty person. You have nothing to feel guilty about (and other people's life experience does not invalidate your own). You are doing the best you can NOW (as is your husband).

Please keep posting and let us know how you are.

Take Care,

Love

Lizard.xxx

[stde]

Good post..fadedlizard.........xx

[sasays]

Stde I wish you all the best and you've been through a lot but I don't think this is the right forum for your previous message. Apols

[stde in reply to sasays]

Hi, I did not post to air my problems as they are not problems but "life events" that I could not control..........

I posted with love and to say to cleaner that she is not alone....I have compassion as I understand how she feels.. and my heart goes out to her....

My "problems" are not important but my compassion I hope helps.....

best wishes......stde.........be well

[sasays]

Hi cleaner, you're allowed to feel how you feel. There is a lot going on at the moment. Feeling guilty about emotions that you are feeling is only going to make you feel worse. Do you have anyone you can talk to? Have you researched online into how you can help your husband with his grief? I know there is no fix but perhaps just looking will make you more conscious of things going on around you. We are not always in control of our anxiety but it also doesn't control us, if you can be more aware of it it should be easier to manage. Perhaps your anxiety has stepped up because youre feeling a bit useless at the moment, I mean that in the nicest way possible, I just mean grief is not something that was can make all better and it effects everyone in different ways. Just do the best you can hun, no one can ask of more. Be as supportive as you can whilst being conscious of when he may need a bit of space. If you can feel your anxieties creeping up perhaps step away and note them down in a journal or something. If you feel your attributing to the situation at all that's ok, you don't mean to, just be conscious of it and do what you can. He's your husband, he loves you, and wants you to be there for him no matter what. You don't have to be ok just because hes not, it might be easier but that's not how life works, just do what you can. My thoughts are with you and your family x

[Cleaner]

Thank you everyone for all your help and thoughts this next week is going to be hard. I shall keep posting.

[Hidden in reply to Cleaner]

Cleaner & you are in my thoughts , your pain is your pain & when it is it hurts , so please keep posting , we will all do our best to support you

whywhy

xxx