Dealing with Alcoholic Parents.

[aberkaz]

Woke up very positive, anxiety free & with excitement for 2013. One, three minute visit from my parents when they dropped my dogs back off after dog sitting them last night & my anxiety is through the roof again. Three mins is all it took, they can't help themselves.

They have both had an alcohol problem as long as I can remember which resulted in neglect in my childhood. 2012 has been a turbulent year with my dad attempting sucide, them splitting up & both getting help for the drink issue. I was there for them, dropped everything to sit with them or just listen on the phone. I ferried them to & from the doctors, counsellor appointments etc. however, they are back together & back in old habitats. I made the decision to just stay out of it. Still visit them, but have given up on the drink front.

First thing Dad said when he walked through my door was about thier fighting last night about Mums drinking (even though he encourages it). Even though I have laid boundaries I still can't control the instant anxiety when they kick off. I don't want to cut them out of my life they are my parents & do have good qualities. We are just very different people & I struggle sometimes with their negativity & different perspective on life to me.

I have tried on many occasions to sit them down & explain how it makes me feel but they just don't understand.

I never planned on staying back in my home town, but both my partner & I have brilliant jobs we both enjoy, some very close friends who have also moved back & My fiance's parents close by for childcare when we hopefully start a family of our own next year. That will be the next issue trusting my parents to care for the children! But will cross that bridge when I get to it.

There are no help groups in the place I live for support either.

I don't think there is more of an answer than sticking to the boundaries I have already set, I just hate the fact that instead of comfort my parents make me feel sick with anxiety.

[Maya_dawn]

Hi Aberkaz,

I'm very sorry to hear about your parents' alcoholism. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It must be incredibly difficult for you. It sucks when we have to be a parent to the parent.

Perhaps try to think of it this way - we all hope to get the kind of parents everyone should - parents who love and support us unconditionally. But life doesn't always give us what we need in the form we hoped. Parents aren't the only people who we can go to for support. There are many others in our lives who we can turn to. This forum is one. There are many great people on here who are willing to lend you their ears and support anytime you need it.

Wishing you all the best.

[Hidden]

Hi Aberkaz

Again sorry to hear what you are going through

From your parents point of view , I have to say my kids didnt suffer as much as you have had to , but I was a drinking mum , been stopped 20 years now

Alcoholism is an illness , just like anxiety etc try to think of your parents as they are ill , they are not doing this to you personally , they just dont no any other

I always say , the things I used to do , getting up & having a drink for breakfast , causing havoc , slowly destroying myself , who other than someone sick would do that ? I never woke up one day & thought "well I am going to slowly destroy myself today " it just crept up on me

Having said that when drinking we are sick & we do inflict on others our sickness , even though at the time we dont realise it

The best thing my family ever did was when they all walked away from me & told me to get on with it as they had had enough , I then was left with either letting it kill me or getting help as even loved ones didnt want to no in the end , this may seem harsh , but it made me do something about it , sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind

Accept that your parents are ill , but there is nothing you can do about it & tell them you dont want to no when they start inflicting it on you , I no it will be hard , but its the best thing you could do !

I no you say there is no meetings in your area but if you look in the phone book there will be a help line that you can phone & you will get support , even if its over the phone as it will be a great help

You need to concerntrate on your problems , put yourself first , get yourself well , you are powerless over people even loved ones what they choose to do

Keep posting , everyone is here to help if they can , but for me it is knowing people care & understand & there is lots of that on this site

whywhy

[aberkaz]

Thank you Maya_dawn,

I have found being able to vent on this site the last 6 months & receive support & understanding from people in similar situations has been an amazing help.

Wishing you an anxiety free, happy 2013.

K x

[aberkaz]

Thank you WhyWhy, x

[Hidden]

Hi. aberkaz. Your parents have a problem. That is self evident. But it is not your problem. You feel for them, of course you do, and as you say, they have good qualities and it is good you recognise that. But you are going to make yourself ill if you take any more of their burdens on your shoulders. You can't cut them out of your life, neither should you, so you need a startegy to cope. You say you 'struggele' with anxiety.' You are 'sick with anxiety'. You will make yourself very ill unless you can keep all this at arms length. 'They don't understand'. Alchoholics, drug takers, do not want to understand and will often project on to you their problems and make you feel guilty about YOU not understanding. Dont fall for that one. It is not your fault your parents are as they are, it is their choice. You have done all and more than can be expected of you, so no recriminations. This is one of those very difficult situations because you are torn with divided loyalties. Your family and your parents. Now you must, for everybodies sake, keep them at arms length. I am not suggesting you abandon them, but TRY and keep your distance. Make it obvious that unless they can come up with a more positive approach you are not prepared to listen any more. Sometimes a short sharp shock can bring about a change. How does your partner feel about all this? Support you certainly need. There is no excuse for their behaviour after you have tried to reason with them. This is not easy for you and any descion you make must be carefully thought through first. But do something to take the strain off yourself. Don't feel guilty about any decision you make. Look to your own welfare. Kind regards. jonathan.

[aberkaz]

Thanks Jonathan, my partner is very understanding & supportive of the situation.

He has been very annoyed this year with them this year though & feels i should cut them off completely for a while after they have constantly put their burdens on me. I nearly cracked under the pressure. But they are still my parents, I am off to Australia 3 months in 2 weeks time so that will give a much needed break from everything. Have a lovely 2013 x

[ellabella]

Oh how lovely! Have a wonderful time darling and take this opportunity for a complete break from everything...Happy New Year Sweetheart x Ella x

[aberkaz]

Thank you Ellabella, Happy New Year to you too xx

[aberkaz]

Thank you Ellabella, Happy New Year to you too xx

[stde]

hi, aberkaz.....there is help , phone AA helpline and ask for local alanon (spelling?) meetings they are for the suffering wifes and family members......not for the drinkers but for those who suffer the effects.....

Definately worth a try...................all the best...hope 2013 is better for you