I can't believe I am writing this right now because I tend to keep all of my emotions and feelings inside.. but here I go.
I think my anxiety/depression started when I was around 11 years old (2001). My parents were divorced so I never got to see my dad because he lived in another state. I remember how happy I would get when he came to visit us. So my dad finally moved back to New Mexico in 2001 to live with my Grandpa (his dad) to be in the same state as us kids. Everything was going great until October 22nd, 2001. My grandpa took his own life that day and it really hit me hard because I was really close to him. Three months later my dad died at the young age of 42. I was so depressed because I had finally got to really know my dad and then he was gone. After those two events, I was sad, angry, shy, self-conscious. I was nervous every single day.
Not long after my dad died we found out my mom had cancer. It was so hard. My mom was sick all of the time and it killed me to see her this way. She spent time away at a cancer treatment center in Arizona which made life even harder. My mom passed away in June of 2006 at the age of 48.
A month later I moved to Ohio to live with my aunt. My anxiety was at its highest point. I had just lost mom and now I was about to start my junior year of high school in a completely different school and state. I didn't go to parties or any social events. If I had a presentation/speech for any class I would worry for weeks. Looking back at it I honestly don't know how I got through all of it.
Here is a list of some things I have experienced with anxiety and depression.- Panic Attacks, Dizziness, vertigo, heart pounding/chest tightness, excessive worry about my health, fatigue, lightheadedness, sweating, stomach pain, feeling like I'm not real
If I get a mosquito bite I think I got the West Nile virus
I google every symptom trying to self-diagnose myself. Here are some of the ones I thought I have/had. Cancer, brain tumor, multiple sclerosis, Meniere's disease, and just recently rheumatic fever since i just a strep throat. I can't think of all of them right now but if I could it would be a big book. I have been to cardiologists, and tons of other doctors telling me it's all just anxiety.
My biggest fear right now is the thought of dying and leaving my beautiful wife and son without a husband/dad. I still feel the pain to this day growing up without my dad and I don't want my son to have to feel like this.
I know I can overcome all of this and reading other people's posts makes me feel like I'm not the only crazy one with all of these crazy thoughts and feelings.