New here! This is my life with anxiety

I can't believe I am writing this right now because I tend to keep all of my emotions and feelings inside.. but here I go.

I think my anxiety/depression started when I was around 11 years old (2001). My parents were divorced so I never got to see my dad because he lived in another state. I remember how happy I would get when he came to visit us. So my dad finally moved back to New Mexico in 2001 to live with my Grandpa (his dad) to be in the same state as us kids. Everything was going great until October 22nd, 2001. My grandpa took his own life that day and it really hit me hard because I was really close to him. Three months later my dad died at the young age of 42. I was so depressed because I had finally got to really know my dad and then he was gone. After those two events, I was sad, angry, shy, self-conscious. I was nervous every single day.

Not long after my dad died we found out my mom had cancer. It was so hard. My mom was sick all of the time and it killed me to see her this way. She spent time away at a cancer treatment center in Arizona which made life even harder. My mom passed away in June of 2006 at the age of 48.

A month later I moved to Ohio to live with my aunt. My anxiety was at its highest point. I had just lost mom and now I was about to start my junior year of high school in a completely different school and state. I didn't go to parties or any social events. If I had a presentation/speech for any class I would worry for weeks. Looking back at it I honestly don't know how I got through all of it.

Here is a list of some things I have experienced with anxiety and depression.- Panic Attacks, Dizziness, vertigo, heart pounding/chest tightness, excessive worry about my health, fatigue, lightheadedness, sweating, stomach pain, feeling like I'm not real

If I get a mosquito bite I think I got the West Nile virus

I google every symptom trying to self-diagnose myself. Here are some of the ones I thought I have/had. Cancer, brain tumor, multiple sclerosis, Meniere's disease, and just recently rheumatic fever since i just a strep throat. I can't think of all of them right now but if I could it would be a big book. I have been to cardiologists, and tons of other doctors telling me it's all just anxiety.

My biggest fear right now is the thought of dying and leaving my beautiful wife and son without a husband/dad. I still feel the pain to this day growing up without my dad and I don't want my son to have to feel like this.

I know I can overcome all of this and reading other people's posts makes me feel like I'm not the only crazy one with all of these crazy thoughts and feelings.

Thank you

Riley

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7 Replies

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  • Hi Riley! I have lived with anxiety all my life, and I'm sure mine stemmed from some childhood traumas as well. I can remember being overly anxious even at 4 years old. I'm 36 years old now, and just in the last 6 weeks, I started having severe panic attacks. I have had 6 big ones in that time frame. They came out of nowhere. I am currently under the care of 3 doctors to do tests and make sure everything is okay. So far, they have found that I am severely anemic. Since starting iron, I have still had one or two panic episodes, but they have subsided quite a bit. I still have that anxious feeling that the next one is around the corner. It has really messed up my quality of life and interfered on my day to day life with my partner and children, and also my job. It's debilitating, so I know exactly what you are going through. I pray it gets better for both of us.

  • Thank you for commenting on my post! Panic attacks are so hard to deal with. When i'm having a panic attack each one feels completely different than the one before. I completely understand how you feel. I hope the iron will continue to help you get better and make the panic attacks a thing of the past :)

  • Thanks so much! I hope for your sanity and quality of life, you get yours figured out and they stop. It's frustrating that there is no rhyme or reason to them!

  • Hey Riley. First let me say that I am so very sorry that you had to go through so many traumatic experiences at such a young age. It's hard enough to process all these losses as a mature adult; I can't even imagine how a young teen could do it. Good for you for hanging in there and for being here today in spite of it all. I'm happy to read that you have a beautiful wife and son and that you have faith in yourself that you can overcome! Honestly, in many ways, you already did. I suffer from health anxiety really, really badly as well and waste way too much time googling symptoms, diseases, etc. It's frustrating because it's a waste of precious time. Sometimes I think that focusing on a body part or a disease is easier than facing the past and all the anger, sadness and fear that you must have felt but maybe just kept bottled up. The body cries what the eyes cannot. (I actually didn't just make that up, but it's a really cool quote and I say it to myself often.) You didn't say whether you've talked to a professional about any of this. If you haven't, you might want to give it a shot. I've spent a few years in therapy and it helped me a ton. I'm also on medication that seemed to relieve many of the symptoms that you've talked about. Hang in there and draw support from anyone willing to lend a hand.

  • Thank you for all of the kind words. It really means a lot. Sometimes i think we should completely eliminate google for our own good lol. I really think i do keep things bottled up. I feel like people might see me being weak or sensitive if they see me cry. That's a good quote :) i will have to remember it. I have seen a counselor but never a therapist. I am trying to find one at the moment but most have a several month waiting list. I was on prozac and paxil on and off throughout the last couple of years. I would be on them for a couple of months but the side effects were bad so my doctor slowly told me to stop taking them. Thanks again :)

  • Hi i to have anxiety and panic attacks and some days it can be unbearable as i live on my own.but i found Dr Claire weeks self -help for your nerves.it was only under five pounds including delivery from Amazon.she teaches you to except the panic and strange feelings etc.and loads of stuff all about anxiety and how to learn to relax and enjoy life again by overcoming stress and fear.

  • You're so strong for having gotten through all of that heartache. If you could get through all that I know you can kick anxiety in the. Butt! Try and stay positive and remember you're not alone

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