Dead inside

Well the Christmas break of a bit of r and r to build myself up to go back to work hasnt helped at all. Currently at my parents with my son and sitting here like a shell with the world passing me by. I'm anxious about everything and playing a game with my son brought on a panic attack yesterday and I had to go for a walk to calm down. He just wants me t be better and play with him and enjoy the break but all my mind does is think that my life is over and I can't break free from the hell that I've brought on. I'm at a mid point in life where everything is so dark. I can't manage myself, every which way I turn is a disaster. Sometimes I doubt whether this is depression / anxiety or I'm reaping the seeds of making a disaster of my life. On the verge of losing my job, my livelihood, my life and struggling to see anything past today. What's stopping me is my son and I would never want to inflict the pain of me leaving this life on him but as it stands I don't know which way to turn.........

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  • Hi flatwhite

    So sorry you are feeling so bad

    You do give yourself a tough time , you need to ease up on yourself a bit , look at all the posts the stories on here , you are not alone & we are not , none of us bad people , just have an illness that can be hard to deal with , but we can manage it & things can improve

    I didnt play with my kids much when they were little , but they are successful adults , so it didnt do anything to them , all kids want most of all is to feel loved & I feel you make your son feel that way ,

    stop beating yourself up !

    Are you taking any meds ? if not go & see your GP if you are & they are not working , go back again

    This is anxiety & depression & not you reaping anything , believe me , but we all have felt that way , I have sat & thought I must be a bad person to have ended up like this , but then I turn it round & think well maybe not , just a sensitive one that through what has happened to me , I can help others , everything I believe happens for a reason , even though we dont always see it

    Try not to think ahead to much , your job etc , try to stay in the day , if we go to far infront it will freak us out , same here I have got problems , but I pull myself back & say I will deal with them as they happen , & sometimes the worse doesnt happen , or its not as bad as I think it will be

    There are places who give you support with debts , not sure if I am allowed to say where & who , but one place that is really well known come across debt all the time & if you can get yourself there , they take it all of your shoulders & deal with it for you , you should go if you feel you are at that stage , its the best thing i did years ago when i needed it & I dont fear debt half as much now as I no it can be sorted

    Now one of my daughters is having me for tea today , I dont go out very often , so its a big ordeal for me , but they no that , & still love me ,you can never replace your mum , they do accept you for the way you are , as long as they no they are loved , that is the most important thing to them , not all the frills etc , love & food on the table & a cuddle , you can do that !

    Please stop giving yourself such a bad time ,

    whywhy

  • Hi. whywhy. Absolutely!! Just what I was going to say. Hi. flat. You are NOT alone. Many have trodden your path and have come out OK. As why why says, stop flogging yourself with fear and doubt. You will be fine but just give it time. Best wishes. jonathan.

  • Tank you for your reply I really apprecite it. The loneliness of my mind is certainly a dark place and even though journalist my dark thoughts the opportunity to get support from people who understand is a massive place. Part of me knows I will be fine not just myself but my soon too. Bless him picks I'm not well with my shattered looks and massive loss of weight but we ,make a joke of it n just say I've working out and trying me out. Too much for an. 8 yearl old to have on his soldiers, just too much. Looking for what's stop flogging myself and poss ways to build up a good couple days to lead into the new year :)

  • Aw Why Why I hope you have a great time today at your daughters! Flat white you are definitely not on your own flower... you have feelings, they are only feelings and we let them ruin so much time we have been given. I have some days when I have to say this over and over again " It's only a feeling" the best advice I have ever had is to try and change my mood. Not easy. Works though...Anyway anyhow just do something even the most futile effort is used for the good :) Ima gonna jump up now and do some cleaning hahaha! bet I feel a bit better when I come back. If not I will admit it ! x Ella x

  • Well I'm back and shattered but my surroundings look a bit better. How are you feeling now Flatwhite, are you in America or Australia ? it's just the tag flatwhite is how I take my coffee. I sound very flippant on my above post ...I'm not you know love. I have been where you are....and all alone too. I felt I had to reach down into the very dregs of my soul to pull something up to see if I was even alive. Most of us have been there...some still are, but always when you reach the bottom you have to come back up spluttering for air and gagging. We are here for you and will see you through the best way we can. One day at a time is good. Much Love x Ella x

  • Hi thanks for your replies and kind words of support. That feeling of this has to get better is something I hang on to alongside my sons smiling face. I have a sheer determination and desrore to overcome this but just want a plug to stop my mind constantly attacking from the top, middle bottom of my life. While the mirtazapine helped last time with the sleep n with cbt took time. This time been switched to fluoxetine n probably just kicking in. Alongside the sleeping tablets giving me some rest at least before I wake up concentrating on the positives

    I'm in the Uk, but when I do venture out not very often that too is my favourite drink :)

    It's lovely to hear from yourself and he others that people outside my bubble care and understand.

  • Thank you Ella , I did have a nice time , was lovely to see her new place as well , like I keep trying to reasure flatwhite , dont worry about your children as long as you love them & we can manage a cuddle , all 3 of mine have grown in to wonderful adults , which is my proudest acheivement that I treasure

    Having said that I cannot lie & i am pleased to be home where I feel secure

    Hope flatwhite lets us no how she is doing , thinking about her

    whywhy

  • Hi why why. Thanks for your messages, sorry I havent had chance to reply until now. Glad you had a good time with your daughters. Your words have been lovely and hugely helped me today thank you. Today has been a massive struggle but made it to now so that's a positive. I'm at my parents with my son and have which has been good as it helps me as well. I'm trying not to beat myself up all the time but the biggest thing is having a " quiet " mind and when I think I've. A peaceful and calm 10 minutes something else comes into to attack me and at the moment I believe it all and nothing seems to shift it and then the really dark thoughts kick in.

    His mums coming to pick him up tomorrow but I get to see him on ny day which I'm looking forward to. At the moment he genuinely is the only thing keeping me going on an hourly basis

  • Hi flatwhite , it may have been a struggle but you have got through another day & that is all you have to do with this "take a day at a time "

    We all beat our selfs up with this illness , thats are worse enemy , that & our minds ! we seem to not want to give ourselfs a break at times !

    Have you found that when you wake up in a morning its like your mind is just waiting , like it is saying "Hi there where have you been , here are all your problems , you may have been asleep but I have been waiting for you to wake up "

    Thats how it can be for me , I may start to worry at first , but then I look at what I am worrying about & realise most of the things I am worrying about firstly I may not be able to do anything about them , as I dont no if they will happen or not , if its something I can do something about I push myself to deal with it & if its happened or going to happen then I have to ask myself , what will worrying about it acheive , to which the answer is nothing

    I suppose what I am trying to say is you have to work really hard at training your mind , as this illness is all in the mind & no its not easy & yes its hard work & you feel drained , but you can get it to a place where you are coping better

    Accepting this is the way you are can help alot as well i find & trying not to question everything , which i can do , helps

    At the moment , I am getting this cold , my head wants to say , I will be worse than anyone else with it & it could be dangerous for me , but I have to push the thought out & not let it dwell

    My son I shared in a post is going out with a girl that smells of chip fat as her family just cook fried food all the time , windows shut , now I have OCD as well , so that is like touture to me , he is going to her house I think tommorrow & have to admit I am dreading it , but i am forcing myself to not think about it & i have to keep saying , I will cope , even if it means me coming on here & having a moan , I will have to cope !

    Its not easy , but it can improve , some people get well completly , others get to a stage where this is more managable , but either one you achieve , it will improve , you have to get every bit of strength you have , which I no you may feel is not much & use it

    As I am writing this , there are so many things in my head , wanting to say "worry " about this & that , but I am telling it , no I am not ! hope i dont sound crazy , but you sometimes have to talk to yourself & tell these negative thoughts to go & do one !

    Keep posting how you feel , people wont get fed up , they will support you , we are all in the same boat on here & all getting through & so will you

    whywhy

  • Morning. Many thanks for all your support :) the worry thing in the morning describes exactly how I feel! It's like it's hello we are back, then as the day goes on things trigger things to the point think I can't carry on. If Bly I could train your mind like you said. Word thing is I kp convincining myself I've got one week to train my mind cos I've got work on the 7th and I have to be firing n all cylinders as the pressures on and there is a massive danger I will lose my job. Never mind 4 cylinders I've got none at the minute.

    Running out of time.......

  • Hi flatwhite

    try to keep next week out of your mind , it is days away yet , just keep in to day thats another thing to try & train your mind to do when it starts to want to go infront , tell it no ! otherwise we all get in a mess if we let it get to far in front , I would ,& do , so i have to stop in the day the best I can , I dont always do it , but i give it my best , I have things niggling now , telling me to worry , like my hubby has a cold , rather bad for him , I am starting with it & my head is saying , how will I cope as he is not well , but then I have to pull myself back in to today !

    Can you not see your GP & tell them how bad you are at the moment ? when you talk about loosing your job , you cant loose your job through illness , which this is ?

    I do admire you , along with many others ,that you can hold a job down with this illness , that is willpower & strength there you have , which if you put the same in to changing how you let your mind think well ....it would be a massive start to feeling well

    I dont work , along with this & other health problems , but if I didnt have other health problems , I have to admit , the anxiety , I really couldnt hold a job down , I dont hardly ever go out , unless i am forced , i like to stay in my comfort zone , take ,me out & I cannot cope

    So you must & should give yourself some credit here , you are bringing up a son , doing a job that puts you under pressure & dealing with an illness !!!!

    Think about talking to the GP

    Let us no how today goes

    Thinking about you

    whywhy

  • Hi thanks for the message. I'm stuck in the north west at the moment and to be honest my doctor although very understanding and just pesercibd me meds and put me on the waiting list for therapy again. I try and give myself credit for getting out. Just been out to the shops with the little fella which was a struggle even thinking about money etc. his mum is picking him up soon as I she is the main carer. Will miss him til I see him next. I try and use the one day at a time analogy quite a lot especially for getting through the day without dark thoughts and when I make it to be d time I'm pleased I've made it through.

    In terms of work, I was told becuase of my job they couldn't sustain a another long term absence like last time, and although I was off for 2 months and went back a month a go I'm probably and actually am in more of a dark place then when I first went off.

    I must admit if I had the choice I wouldn't go out much but I try and force myself Togo out even though I'm often like a shell

  • All I can add to our very wise Whywhy is 10 minutes at a time is good. Everytime you notice yourself being tense, consciously relax and do some deep breathing. Try another walk in the rain, try cut down on the flatwhite lol ( unfortunately it doesn't help! ) gives me palpitations! but worth it sometimes :). I'm glad you are getting a sleep at least! and the morning anxiety is a t**t!!! isn't it? As soon as I wake I have to get up immeadiatley or it takes me over. Oh and keep posting...there will be others feeling exactly like you that are reading but not posting. Lots of Love and Hugs x Ella x

  • Thank you. Not the best sleep last night. Just been for a long walk to clear my head but not sure it worked :(

  • You will get there my love xxxxxxxxx

  • Well have to say well done for getting out , you do better than me on that one , I stuggle terrible to get out , so you need to give your self some credit , we all do , but that is something we are not very good at & again for me I have to practice doing , every little thing that is positive that we do is something for us all to feel good about

    The meds may not be fully working yet , i no they can take a while , so dont give up hope , its still early days

    Thinking about money , made me laugh , I try not to , otherwise i would be in a state , I think they can have what i have got & what I havnt , they will have to wait

    If you have debts , just contact them , everyone is struggling , so its nothing new , if you send them your incomings & outgoings , including what you spend on food , clothing , transport , what your son needs etc , even if after all that is taken out , there is not much left as long as you are willing to pay something , there is not much they can do , its worse if you dont let them no

    Like ella says "you will get there "

    whywhy

  • Thank you. I think that alongside my negativity is one of my main problems. Giving myself a break and a little credit, even though I dipped dramatically.

    At the moment with the way my mind works, I suppose I have my debts covered while I still have my job. Not sure how long I can sustain the job and how I spend my money but at least at the moment I cover my bills debts etc.

    I have to believe that things will get better rather than thinking they will get worse before they get better. I've got to see today's events as a watershed and I scared myself a lot by going that far. Surely 2013 can only get better x

  • I am new here but can so understand and empathise with you all, especially the anxious moments first thing in the morning.I now go for a walk instead of lying there worrying and I have found this has helped . I lost both my parents and my job last year so was an awful year for me and this seems to have led to some kind of breakdown where I have developed an OCD with names, very diffcult when you live in a small town!!! I think it's a reaction of all the trauma from last year. I also have great difficulty leaving the house. But enough of me.I am so glad I found this site and have people here who understand exactly how I feel. Keep going on Flatwhite, we will all get there eventually. We have to be kind to ourselves and hop on the positivity bandwagon. Hope return to work wasn' too bad.

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