Not sure where to start. I am at a point if no return in some respects. I've been diagnosed with depression for the 2nd time in 18 months and come to a point in my life where I feel everything from top to bottom is a complete disaster except for my son. He adores me and looks up to me so much it breaks my heart to the point I think I'm undeserving of everything. I live alone, have limited social life and have hit rock bottom in terms of social skills. I feel dead inside and struggle to get up in a morning never mind get through the day. I'm hugely in debt, struggle to cope on every level in terms of looking after myself and have a wonderful well paid job which I don't know how to do any more, coupled with the fact ive been forced to go back to work as i will lose my job otherwise. Now im on a disciplinary because of my absence. As much as I try to focus on the positive the negative rears it ugly head minute by minute and leads to panic attacks/ anxiety when I'm out shopping, in company or in fact anywhere.
At the moment except for my son and his smiling face everything is just so dark and I feel like there is no way out. I'm stranded and not sure which way to turn. I'm currently on fluoxetine and also Zimovane to help my sleep. I manage about 2 hours every night and for all the trying to avoid negative thinking with exercise etc I wake up in the morning to the same problems that just do not go away
I know at times the only person to make the changes is me but struggling to see how I can change things when I see a huge darkness in my life.
I have a very supportive family and a few friends but as much as they will me and try to support me sometimes the last thing I want to hear is how good and wonderful I am when I don't believe it at all. I'm nearly 40 and the only good thing I've done is help bring a wonderful young boy into this world.
Sorry for the ramble. I suppose this is a cry for help and advice if possible and any advice is greatly appreciated to see a way forward.
Written by
flatwhite
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You are going through a tough time & its hard to see the positives when things feel so bad
Depression is something that as you so clearly post does make us feel in a dark place , you are not alone , it takes time , but people do acheive in the end & the light comes back in our lives
When so low you wont want people saying how wonderful you are , because you dont feel that way , but you may not want me to say it but you must be , as otherwise people would not be telling you , again you are lucky to have a supportive family & friends , even though you may not feel it at the moment , let them be there for you
Have you been back to see your GP maybe your meds might need changing ? but with depression meds can take a while to work but give them time & they will
Councelling maybe something that might help , I am not sure maybe you have tried it ?
As things are today so many have money problems , you are not alone , but they can be sorted no matter how bad they are , & it is nothing to be ashamed of & to ask for help
I 100% believe like you the best thing i have ever done is bring 3 lovely children (well adults now ) in to this world and I think that is something to be proud of more than any other acheivements !
Lots of people will give you good advice as they see your post
Maybe nothing i have said will help , but hope that knowing you are not alone might be of some comfort
Keep us posted , you will get through this , just take it a day at a time
At times things are getting very close to the edge and I have "bad thoughts" everyday. I've had CBT before and awaiting another course but have been waiting 3 months worse thing is I know all the different strategies to help etc but nothing seems to work at the moment. Used to be on mirtazapine but got changed when mood didn't lift. Downside of this is the sleep aspect.
Few years back I was in a very similar place, I knew the change had to come from within me, one of the first things I did was get to know my depression a very simply illustrated book called I Have A Black Dog by Matthew Johnstone helped with this. When I wanted to explain how I was feeling to friends or family, make them understand I'd just show them, I am more than capable of expressing myself but back then I didn't have the energy to do anything.
Although I wouldn't describe my debt as huge, the impact it was having was, like you I had a very well paid job and held a very stressful position. I concentrated on one thing at a time, I let those people I owed money to (essentially the bank) that I would pay but only if they worked with me and they did and were very good about it. There are lots of sites offering money advice, Martin Lewis being quite a popular one.
To lift my mood I focused on what was positive in my life, you have mentioned a number of positives in your blog, how can you add to them? Make them more fruitful? Do things that you enjoy, give you pleasure don't book a whole week of fun I'm talking small pleasures at first for me it was simple things like reading a chapter of a book, listening to CD with headphones on, sitting in the garden when there was a thing called the sun that used to live in the sky you must remember it, big, bright, round, hot thing?
I know it's not easy but by keeping your focus narrow and specific it helps, it becomes the building blocks of a more positive future, keep adding more blocks but not all at once, it won't work you are not going to lift out of your depression overnight but you will lift yourself out of it. I know that for sure as I was in the most darkest place ever and climbed out of that hole one positive block at a time.
Thank you so much fornyour The one day aka time aoproach is something I'm tryingandnhave ? Ebeen trying everything which is probably too built that desperate to lift my mood before I go the point if losing everything jub wise ffootholdcin the area and the know offf effect on relationship and contact with. My sink the work issues are currently a sptickingntime bomb
At times double if I'm in depressed our just completely screwed up my my life and it only my fault totally
Ahh flatwhite you are letting negatives slip in there, you are not at the point of no return and you haven't screwed your life up, fine you may have made some mistakes or your depression may have gotten in the way but your life isn't over and you can have many many years of enjoyment watching your son grow up. It's about what you do in the present not what happened in the past or what could be in the future that determines your happiness and lot in life.
Thanks for your reply. I really appreciate your reply. My trouble I think of the many of my racing mind is settling my mind to try and focus on the present without keeping looking back or forward to a life I cannot see. The one thing that stops me making that awful last step is my son but at times it gets very hard
living in the present is a hard thing to do I know. I also know what it's like to think if I didn't have children I would check out of this nightmare hotel and be done with it but life is so precious and the thought of what that would do to my kids brings me back from the edge.
Flatwhite, I've been there hun and believe me you will get better. You got better last time and you will do it again. That little boy will be happy with you however messed up you think you are. Write down your priorities. Number 1 should read your child and you. Begger the job , that can wait. I cannot stress too much how important your health and well being are. It is never totally your fault either. We can do this together, we are a very loyal and honest bunch on here. Get some sick time sorted with your Gp , no one is indispensable, work will cope. Get in touch with Citizens Advice if you are in the UK, they will help you with all your debts and any benefits you may be entitled to. Keep posting on here . Grab every bit of help you are offered!!!! That is how to start the wheel turning. Good Luck and Love xElla x
Thanks for your reply and thoughts. I've just settled down after a rough rough day determined to make things work and strive for a future for myself and myself. What pulls me back constantly just appears to be the huge worries about absolutely everything that pulls me back. The frustrating and painful thing is I want to get better and build a better life for myself but just don't know how to. I'm afraid the job thing is a huge issue alongside eveything else. I've already had 2 months off and was told my employer couldn't sustain another long term absence after my other absence. Which was only 9 months previous and for 6 months. If I could do the job it would be ok but in my current state of mind I just about get in never mind do any aspect of it. Doctor was very reluctant to sign me on for work but understood my pressures. Just wish I had the time to get myself well again, but then again I don't know how as this is affecting every aspect of my life and not sure which way will help
As people have said before , if you had something else wrong that you could physically see you would not give your self such a bad time , no one wakes up & asks to feel this way as its such an awful way to feel , it is complex but just happens for all sorts of reasons , some unknown , but it is an illness & none of us should give ourselfs such a tough time
The fact you are posting on here shows you are trying your best at the moment & sometimes that is all that we can do , try are best , till we get through the darker times , which we all have , it is certainly not your fault you are depressed just as its no one elses fault when they are
Do the best you can each day , little steps , set yourself a goal that no matter how small , you will think something positive , do something positive , pick the phone up , make an appointment with GP . with each little step you can sit & think "well I did that today & well done to me , the way i am feeling
You have to push yourself as much as you can , the best thing you have done is your son , that you cleary love & he loves you to , so even if you dont feel like it , do it for him for now
Thanks for your reply I realy appreciate it. I totally agree with you with respect to the broken limb etc. I often let out a chuckle inside when some people remark how well I look compared to 4 months ago when all I want to do is curl up on the inside and do anything to hide away and take the pain away.
My son is truly the only thing that keeps me going at the moment and it burns me inside to even have such negative thoughts and dark thoughts when I have such a wonderful boy who deserves so much more. I just want to see some light and some comfort and a way forward in the midst of this darkness. I keep telling myself that I have dine well, I survived to day and got to the end of it. The same old issues will still be there when I wake up in the morning, I just hope I have the strength to cope with what lies ahead....
Hi flatwhite
Same here , I have 3 grown up children now & have suffered for years & they keep me going , even through my problems , i am their mum , like you are to your son & believe it or not , mine love me no less than any other child loves their mum , because I have problems , & mine are very happy with me as a mum , & yes I to think they deserve more , but as adults they have told me otherwise & so will your son , you & you alone are his mum & he loves you just the way you are !
You have done well , you have got through another day , try not to think what tommorrow will be like , we set our selfs up , if we believe it will be bad before it even starts !
You have the strength , we are all alot stonger than we think & you will cope with what ever lies ahead , for you & because that wonderful son you have needs you to
Positive thoughts , thats what I hope for you , one of those could be , people do care
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