I know my relationship doesn't always help how I'm feeling, but what do I do?

[begentle51]

I've had GAD for years and when I'm starting to feel better it comes back again. I guess I'm never going to be free

But I'm concerned that the relationship I'm in isn't helping me either. I apologise now if this is a long one, but I feel I need some advise

We've been together for 16 years and I fell pregnant with our first child after 4 years and then another followed. When my youngest was 6mnths old I was diagnosed with depression (I was living far from my family, a new mum and my own mum was diagnosed with cancer). I don't know if he realised but he would make me feel like I wasn't good enough. He'd come home from work and immediately start sweeping floors, puffing panting n moaning about how he'd had a busy day and had enough to do. He still does this now, 12 years later, tells everybody he works hard n then has to come home and clean n tidy (my house is very clean already, so he doesn't need to). This has continued for years. He can be lovely, he works hard to give us things and is always saving for new things. But he can also be rude, confrontational and very opinionated. In life, if he says it's not right, then it's not. He moans about what the children watch on tv. He thinks everything they watch or read should teach them something. Whereas I believe in enjoying life, being happy and laughing.

I find I'm stressed out when he's around, on edge. I feel I can't use my phone, can't watch what I want or say what I want. And if I do have an opinion I'm 'just going against everything he says'.

Ive had counselling for years and try so hard to live each day positively. I've got numerous books that I'm reading but try to deal with it all privately

Im really wondering if this relationship is holding me back, stopping me from finally moving on into a positive happy future

Can anyone offer some advise? 😥

[Agora1]

begentle51, The answer is clear as to what causes the anxiety to continue. The thing about situational anxiety especially when it is in our home, is hard to not react. Therapy may help but is short lived unless changes can be made. You are in a difficult position in that what you do is not accepted by your partner. One recourse is to have both of you receive couples therapy but that's not always an option unless the partner agrees.

It's a terrible way to live under emotional abuse (which it is). What does your therapist recommend?? In these situations we tend to lose who we are as well as control over our own lives. The answer needs to come from within you. x

[begentle51 in reply to Agora1]

Thank you Agora1

I quite often decide that enough is enough n that I need to move away from the relationship. Then guilt kicks in, the guilt of what effect it will have on my children. Then worry about how I'll cope on my own and then I get scared about living with my GAD on my own n how I'll cope

I just feel like I can't win n im get scared 😢

[Agora1 in reply to begentle51]

I totally understand begentle51, I've known women who have stayed in emotionally stressful situations because of the children as well as how they would survive in providing for themselves. A plan needs to be made, whatever it might be. To close your eyes to what it's like, to staying with your partner until the children are out on their own or getting up and leaving and have the chips fall where they may. Whatever the decision is, at least a plan as been executed and is in place. That alone would give you some relief with your anxiety. Not that it will be easy but you will have to work hard around keeping your self esteem and mental health intact.

This is where your therapist can help with some options in supporting any upcoming decisions. (especially in staying put) There are groups that some cities have for emotional abused woman which can add additional support. You may want to start with a large teaching hospital. It's a hard call I know. My best to you, continue using the forum as a sounding board. x

[Bratley in reply to Agora1]

Very well said.

[HearYou]

Hello, you have quite a lot on your plate. I read that you have had therapy but have the two of you had therapy? Think some guidance for the two of you to survive as a couple may be needed. I wish the best to you, your man, and your children.

[begentle51 in reply to HearYou]

We had couples therapy years ago but it didn't work. As he just took over the sessions and wanted me to sit and listen, but when I spoke up he didn't like it

I just think I'm at a crossroads and I can't decide what's best

It's either my sanity or my children's happiness 😥

[mysmugcat in reply to begentle51]

is it? the children may well have picked up on tensions between you. Children do adjust to break ups. I realise it's hard. Just a thought.

[begentle51 in reply to mysmugcat]

I know my eldest is aware, I can see it in her face when we argue. I don't want them to think that it's normal for women to be treated this way. He can even be mean to them, telling them to be quiet when they're just laughing

It's just so hard 😥

[Agora1 in reply to begentle51]

That's the thing begentle51, the sickness of the house spills over onto the children. They understand much more than we give them credit. This happens to be why family patterns of abuse go from one generation to another. They learn from what they hear and see.

[begentle51 in reply to Agora1]

That's what I'm worried about

I want them to be independent and strong, not to believe they have to give in all the time just to keep the peace xx

[HearYou in reply to begentle51]

Same thing happened to me....one session during which he began to talk and raise his voice to me wen suddenly he realized, remembered the PhD was there. He had revealed himself to a fellow Rotarian, and would never go back again. I left too, but from him and his son fully understood.

Please read Agora1's reply. My step son is grown now and is the opposite personality of is father. My husband's first wife divorced him for this behavior, but I didn't know it until I left him.

[begentle51 in reply to HearYou]

Thank you hearyou

I guess I'm just scared of what lies ahead

These past two days I have felt awful and my anxiety is all over the place. I just keep going over everything in my head, not feeling good enough but also torn as I can't decide what's the best thing to do. My anxiety is certainly back but I don't want my children to pick up on it

So your stepson coped with it all?? 🌸