What's Next?

I have suffered with anxiety and depression for as far back as I can remember. I have beeen on and off anti-depressents since my late teens. I had an awkward childhood tinged with happy memories and stained with horrific moments and I have moved around a lot but I try to remain optimistic!

I work, have a family and appear quite "normal" I hide it well! Inside I feel like a fraud and a co-vert operator never truly knowing or understanding who I am, why I'm here or what I'm doing?

I am in awe of my "got it together" colleagues I have virtually no friends, two failed relationships and very few people are allowed into my world other than my children or perhaps now via this anonymous site.

I am currently prescribed 40mg of Citalopram, after 20mg didn't seem to be having an affect and now which makes me a bit sleepy and still doesn't appear to be working very well. I have previously been prescribed Fluoxetine/Prozac which appeared to make me a little manic and Diazepine/Valium which depressed me further and metazepine which knocked me out!

I have had some success with Psychologists in the past, but my current counsellor confuses me and I am not sure who is benefitting from our sessions?

I am very negative at the moment and am behaving self destructively not going out, missing work, spending money I haven't got on internet shopping sites and I get extremely paranoid and full of self loathing. I overly apologise for myself and cannot explain this sudden crisis in confidence.

I feel pathetic and cross with myself and sorry for all those who have to put up with me. Can anyone please help me?

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4 Replies

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  • Hi. Starsky1982. DO NOT ALOGISE either to yourself or anyone else. None of us asked for this and it is not our fault. Circumstances over which we have no control come into play and we find ourselves in an Anxiety State. You may be surprised to hear that most of us try to appear 'normal' while at the same time screaming inside. Of course we do because we feel guilty about being as we are. Would a person with pneumonia feel guilty, of course not. We have been brought up to believe that physical illness is fine but mental illness. Oh no!! However long you have suffered you can recover if you go about it in the right way. All the symptoms you describe are typical of General Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and are NORMAL IN THE CIRCUMSTANCES. Yes, in the circumstances." Spending money on the Internet".

    We all need to communicate with others, ("No Man is an island") And this is your way of communicating. You cannot do so in the usual way because of your illness so you do it like this.You say you are in 'awe' of your colleagues. Some of them may be suffering and you don't know it. But do not be put off by this. A lot of outer 'bonhomie' often covers up a weak or vulnerable personality. What to do about "IT".Your first paragraph shows why you feel as you do. Frankly, if your current councillor confuses you then you may need to look elsewhere, but this is up to you. You are flogging yourself with self recrimination and loathing and this causes your lack of confidence. You consume an awful lot of energy this way. Believe me, none of this is unusual IN YOUR PRESENT STATE. STOP flogging yourself and stop trying to find reasons for how you feel. If you found one it would not help you to DE-SENSITISE yourself. You may not have heard this before but you are SENSITISED and therefore vulnerable. Our nerves are 'raw' and open to the slightest suggestions from others that throw us into despair. DO NOT DESPAIR. I know how difficult this is and how difficult it is to crawl out of the pit. BUT YOU CAN DO IT. But it takes TIME. There is no 'quick fix' in this business I can assure you. Please try and ACCEPT how you feel AT PRESENT. You will recover no matter how long you have been ill. None of this is easy and you have to be patient with TIME. There will be more blogs from others on this site. Please listen to those who send you help. they all KNOW and you are NOT alone. Blessings and good wishes. jonathan

  • just remember...we're only HUMAN!!!

  • i am a reiki level 2 healer would you like me to send you a little reiki for free to ease your path a little? ;-)

  • Your story is almost identical to mine, so you are not alone. I think there are a LOT of people out there who to all outward appearances are "together", but if they were honest you would find all manner of difficulties and issues are bubbling under the surface. Think how many glamorous and successful celebrities eventually reveal their depression, addictions, time in rehab, breakdowns, suicide attempts, and yet who knew at the time? they covered up so well. If you can cover up and fool people, then think that they can be doing the same. So never feel that you are the only person with these problems.

    I also have had trouble both forming and maintaining relationships and I don't trust many people. I also find counselling incredibly confusing and depressing and at times I retreat into myself, shut the world out, sleep for hours all day and wonder if I will ever feel "normal".

    If you're finding your current counsellor confuses you, do feel free to say so. If they're any good, they should be concerned with creating a good relationship between the two of you and resolving any issues with the therapeutic relationship itself.

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