Fear of losing my husband...

[MrsMaxwell]

Hello,

I have recently joined here to seek support for my anxiety in relation to abandonment and trust issues.

To give you some history, me and my husband are recently married and have a 2 year old together.

More recently I have decided to see a therapist as I have suffered with aniexty since we have been together. This only occurs when my husband is going out without me and is going out with other people. I worry he is going to cheat on me , talk to some other girls or just not come home.

He has never given me any reason not to trust him, however my therapist seems to think this is associated to the history of my up bringing with my mother.

I'm really just looking for advice and support on how on to manage my these attacks.

My husband called me from work and said he wants to go out tonight for some drinks with his work mates. Some of Them are girls and I have been a mess since he called!

I don't want to feel like this anymore and I don't want to control him because of my own insecurities.

Any advice would be welcomed!

[Hidden]

Hello

I am sorry you are suffering with this is issue but pleased to see that you are seeing someone to get some support and it could very well be your past and been abandoned by your Mother that has followed you into your adult life and relationships

Also when we suffer with anxiety we do not feel worthy of been loved so think anyone that is with us is going to hurt us in some way which is not true but our anxiety will tell us it is

I am wondering how often your husband goes out ?

I think it is acceptable for him to have a night out as long as he is coming in at a reasonable time and supporting you when he does but if he is going out on a regular basis then maybe this would be something I would get fed up with rather than the thought he was cheating but the fact he should not be out all the time when he is no longer single if you know what I mean

Have you asked him if you could go out with him ? have you met these work colleagues so you can see for yourself that they are not a threat to you ?

Your OH knows you have issues other than maybe him saying it is you and nothing to worry about is he supporting you in anyway to help you overcome these issues , you could do with that support from him and not by him stopping in all the time but when he is in I hope he is showing you how much you mean to him which I am sure you do

I used to have very similar issues , have been with my hubby over 20 years now , but at the start I was waiting for him to go or cheat and I would even try and push for something to happen because in my head I thought it would anyway so why not speed things up but he is still here and we have got to an age where I don't think he will be going anywhere now

When I was going through this and making myself so miserable someone said to me that I could either make myself ill ( which I was ) worrying over something that may never happen or enjoy and accept what I had and if what I was dreading happening ever did then he would not be the person I thought he was and so I would be better of without him if that was the case

Somehow the penny dropped with that statement and thought well yes so true and I started then to let go of this irrational fear keeping that statement in mind

Not sure if this will have helped any but you are not on your own with feeling the way you do but things can and do get better

Take Care x

[MrsMaxwell in reply to Hidden]

Hello,

Thank you for your reply. It's comforting to know that I am not the only one who has suffered these type of attacks before.

My husband is very supportive and I think somewhat over supportive in some ways. He does not put himself in any situations where he thinks he may upset me , however this upsets me as he does not control me or how many times I go out with friends, I would love to offer the same in return. I feel terrible because I feel this way but cannot control these feelings. I think that is the most frustrating thing for me. My heart tells me thing but my mind wants to play games with me.

I am hoping that therapy will help me through these issues, however I feel as if after tonight I have not shown any progress.

Can I ask a question? Do you have any medication when you were dealing with this? I am considering asking my docotor for advice with regards to medicine as I am exhausted fighting with myself.

I should also probably add that my fear of him cheating it 24/7, not only when he is out without me. I am consistently ( it feels like anyway ) having an argument with my mind. I am becoming exhausted and just want to feel normal.

[Hidden in reply to MrsMaxwell]

Hello

You have answered some of what you feel yourself by saying your heart knows the truth but the mind wants to tell you something else , that is the anxiety and it keeps control of us by tormenting us in this way but we have to try and take that control back and with therapy that should help

Remember these are thoughts I know not pleasant but a thought is a thought and won't harm us we harm ourselves more by letting it take over , I say out loud when I get thoughts I don't want to go away I know what they are my anxiety , people might think I am crazy when they hear me talking to myself but to some extent it does help me to hear myself saying it out loud

Yes I have taken medication before and I think if you are struggling it can be a help and this is something you should maybe talk through with your Doctor

I have never been on anything daily even though I know it really helps long term but through bad patches I have taken valium , speak with your Doctor I am sure they will be happy to talk this through with you x

[Mia51]

Hi ,I know where your coming from as im also feeling very insecure just now.Im sure my anxieties and insecurity comes from losing my mother at a very young age.My husband is away on holiday in S Africa just now and im wondering the same as you even although I have no cause to doubt him.To be fair I still think we are justified to worry as I dont agree with going out socialising with the opposite sex but then I worry about being selfish and neurotic,I dont know what to do for the best.I know what you mean you dont want to control hIm as that doesnt work either,I think learning to accept the situation is the only answer.Sorry I couldnt give you answers,just my thoughts

[kipp]

I have had similar problems. Feared the same thing all the time. Felt like knife in the stomach. One thing we have to understand that we can't control anything with fear. Fear won't stop things from happening. But it might make ones marriage a very difficult place to be. When you start feeling bad try to occupy your self with something else. Think what could be the kind of thing that would make you so occupied that you will forget to worry? Calling to a friend could be one way to cope the situation and talking about the problem. What ever you do just don't allow your self the permission to start thinking bad thoughts.

Also is he giving you enough love and attention? Are you spending enough time quality together? I feel like making your marriage stonger and making sure you show affection to each other is a way to make you feel better about your self.

And do you get any free time of your own? If your alone in the house with a child all the time and he gets to go out I feel like it's not fair to you and could make the problem worse.

[MrsMaxwell in reply to kipp]

Hello,

Thanks for your suggestions. I am trying to plan to spend time with my friends when I know he is going out. It's hard because I don't want to always relay on having my mind occupied to keep myself from going crazy, but at the same time I think I am not strong enough yet to do it alone.

I have only recently started seeing a physiologist and cannot yet see the benefits from her but I am sure with time it will help.

My husband always gives me the time I need and allows me to go spend as much time with my friends as I need. I think actually that's what makes it so mad, when I do have an attack nevadue he is going out I feel so horrible with guilt for days and days. I feel as if I have let him down once again.

The other night he went across the road for a drink with some work friends and after nearly 3 hours of him gone and me losing it at home I had to call him to come home as I had worked myself into such a state and was having a aniexty attack.

I am exhausted and feel so tormented by my brain some days. Just want this to end and for me to give the trust and space my husband deserves.

[Evildead]

I knowexactly how you feel because I feel the same way my husband went away for two weeks to Mexico for work and I was a complete basket case and he didn't understand why but my father screwed around on my mother my whole life and I didn't know until after he died but I have this this fear continuously that he's going to leave me I have a lot of medical issues and he hasn't left me yet but there's always this thing at the back of my head is telling me that he's going to leave me for some reason

He says he is not going to leave me but you don't know nobody knows what's going to happen in their life

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