ellabella

Oh Dianne love you must take the medication. What have you got to lose if you feel so bad. You sound so upset it's so hard for you. I take citalopram and many other meds. The warnings are there by law and they are the same on a packet of paracetamol. I think the companies have to cover everything in case they are sued. Dianne, you WILL feel better. The person you are seeing now is trained to help you not harm you. Listen to whoever it is and at least try what they suggest. Part of this illness is not believing that the feelings can be controlled. Good Luck Sweetheart xxxx

porsha

hi Dianne I was same as you, scared to take my meds which in turn makes your anxiety worse. I have a very good doctor who gave me Diazapan to reassure me that if I feel panicky whilst taking my meds it realy calms me down. the other I found helpfull was group therapy, knowing that ur not alone helps greatly.hang in there sweetheart and keep thinking of ur beautiful kids.xxxxx

Hidden

Hi Dianne19. Well said ellabella. I agree, you must take the medication. In my experience the side effects are minimul and usually go away after early usage. There has been no end of cases of companies being sued that they have to put all the side effects on their blurb. I have said before. Medication is the same as a crutch if you had broken your leg. When you feel better (and you will) you can throw the crutches away. I know how you feel about medication. All the talk about addiction etc. puts one off. Take no notice. When the time is right your doctor will taper the dose until you come off altogether. You are really upset, and I feel for you, but try to take one day at a time. Anticipation can be a devil in nervous illness. Your husband is right; the idea of having your kids taken from you is worrying you more than anything else. It wont happen! So take the tablets. They will not harm you but will give you pause to think more clearly. All the best and good luck. jonathan.

hedgecrone

I'm glad you are seeing a counsellor but it's not necessarily true that things will definitely get worse for you if you don 't take the tablets, though they might indeed help you over a bad patch and help control the worst feelings so you can learn to manage them yourself. Anxiety is a horrible illness and needs lots of techniques thrown at it so you feel more in control. Meds by themselves are all very well, but you also need relaxation and Mindfulness techniques. I would recommend a book on Mindfulness by Mark Williams and Danny Penman. It's a comforting book which deals with learning to live in the present moment, rather than fearing the future or the past. There is a CD with it with short mindfulness meditations on, a few minutes each, and believe me, they are very comforting and reassuring. You need to do them every day if possible. I have put them on my Ipod?Mp3 player and I take that away or out with me and listen on journeys or whenever I am feeling bad or at night when I can't sleep and the fears get worse. If at home, find a time to listen to the CD when you are by yourself, and won't be disturbed, in a comfortable chair or in bed, eyes gently closed. Their voices are very reassuring and comforting. It's about watching your breath, in and out, and the present moment and gradually will train your mind to catastrophise (which is what those horrible fears are of your children being taken away).

You also need to realise that you are not well, but that you are a loving and good mother who is doing your best. Make sure you give yourself plenty of compassion and make allowances. Let yourself be less than perfect. As long as the children are cared for and loved, some things can go by the board for the moment. Your husband sounds supportive which is great. Reassure him that you are doing your best, but are struggling at the moment and that you really appreciate his support and understanding.

If you can afford it, if you look on Amazon you will see other self help books - it helps to experiment to find one that helps you find ways of coping. Look for those based on Mindfulness as well because it makes a lot of sense. I struggle too, but am persevering with Mindfulness. Don't expect quick results though - it's really a lifetime thing, retraining your mind and sticking to it, even if you have days when you can't do the short meditations. Just do them - without expecting anything - and see what happens. x

Dianne19

Many thanks to you all for your comments. I just need to take it one day at a time. I don't believe I will ever feel better. Here's hoping things will ease and get a little better x

Lmarie09 in reply to Dianne19

Have u gotten better I'm experiencing the same thoughts :,(

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Hidden

Hi, I saw the heading of your blog and have to say - Wait a minute! Negative thoughts are not BAD, negative thoughts are natural, we all have them. I feel sad about you thinking negative thoughts are bad becaause they are not.

For many years of my life I felt so much anger that I imagined I could kill people simply by wishing them dead, but we all know that actions do harm but not thoughts. We all wish people dead now and again, I used to wish people dead every day but they are all still unharmed.

It must be really difficult for you to manage to mother too young children while you are feeling so anxious but there isn't any reason to fear having them taken away. Your thoughts will not harm your children although they are making you feel ill. You must love your children otherwise you wouldn't be frightened of losing them. When my youngest child was about the same age as your baby I felt like throwing her into the cot and almost did so on one occasion. I felt so anxious that I phoned the NSPCC. When their social worker visited he said the fact that I was anxious that I might hurt them in itself made that very unlikely - I'd asked for help in order to protect them. I found that really reassuring to know. Most mothers fear hurting their children at some point but it's the ones who pretend there's nothing wrong when actually there is that are likely to harm their children. You are not one of those mothers, you know you need help and you ask for it, so you're a very good mum!

It's great you were able to share your fear with your husband! You obviously trusted him with your anxiety: but I'm not sure what he meant by 'never'. I wonder whether you felt supported as he might have meant so many things. I imagine he was feeling protective and trying to reassure you by telling you he'd never let the children be taken away, but I wonder if his reply left you feeling that he didn't understand how bad you were feeling? Shortly after the NSPCC visit I was very anxious and asked my husband to stay home from work but he reassured me I'd be fine, that he'd phone lunchtime and come home early from work. I'm sure now that he meant it caringly, but at the time I felt he didn't understand how awful I was feeling and I felt even more anxious. I stood at the kitchen window with tears streaming down my face and felt I had to cope alone. I wonder if that is true for you, if you feel your husband doesn't really understand how awful the negative thoughts are? It may be that you told him and he found them too scary to contemplate.

Medication can be a good treatment for anxiety for some people at some times in their lives, but it sounds as if you are not finding the meds helpful as you are feeling even worse, which makes you feel hopeless. When everything's that bad all we can do is to get through each day so I admire you for knowing that.

I remember being so anxious I shook inside a lot of the time. I was scared people would think there was something wrong with me if they knew. Every time I had a panic attack I would feel like running away for ever as you do. I would take the car keys and drive around for hours, longing to end it all by driving into the nearest brick wall but then finding I couldn't and going home again. It was exhausting. But in my heart I knew I couldn't run away because the children needed me and would miss me so much. I think you know you will never leave your children because you love them. That's why you are asking for help by writing on the website.

There is loads of help available but it's not always easy to know what will be helpful. Maybe it will be helpful for you to talk to a counsellor in order to try to understand where all the negative thoughts come from. Most of us have had experiences that leave us having what we think are 'bad' thoughts so maybe you need to talk with someone about those experiences? If you think that's true you could go back to your GP and ask him to refer you.

I do hope you find a way to regain your hope. Life is hard but there is lots of help in the world. Take care Suexx

Hidden

Hi all. What wonderful bloggs from hedgecrone and secondhand rose. My goodness; this site is so good for helpful advice. I did not know it existed until a few weeks ago. Please Dianne19 read it all carefully and try to follow it. There IS a lot of help to be had and this site can help you find it. You say you will never feel better. This thought is holding you back as you most certainly WILL feel better. Please be assured. I speak from experience. But this takes time and when you are anxious patience is not a virtue we have a lot of! Bear up. Best wishes. jonathan.

Hidden

Hi Dianne

I know it can be hard but with meds Nd talking therapy u will be muuuuuch better.be strong and be patient..it might take a bit but eventually with the help of meds,counselling,your husband and all of us here u will find the support u need.u re in my thoughts.

11asia1

Most of the time it goes away if you had it for long