Feeling utter despair and lonely and not sure what to do next

Im startin from the beginning so it might be a long one.

I met my partner jan 09, we started off as fun buddies but 4 mths later fell totally in love, 9 mths later we moved in together and thats when trouble started, we both changed and in hindsight didnt really know anything about each and moved in to quickly. we argued on a regular basis mainly cus i didnt know how to handle all the emotions i was feeling and a guy who started out as a loving person changed, for a year we just argued made up etc etc, we then moved house and hope it was the fresh start we needed but it didnt work. when we argued he would ignore me for days on end and it started to affect me and then in nov 2010 i had been ignored for about a week and cud not take anymore and took an overdose, he didnt cum downstairs not even when police and ambulance turned up, he didnt come to the hospital once, my family rallied round packed my stuff up for me and moved me in with them. it was then i got diagnosed as havin boardeline personality disorder.i was distraught in a bad place and all i wanted was him, it was like i was addicted to him, so i moved back in with him feb 2011 as he said he cud be there for me and help me...... that turned out to not be true .

we have been on a rocky road ever since, i have finished with him millions of time, we have said the worst stuff to each other, un forgivable stuff really.

last month he actually admited he cant be there for me emotionally, he is a typical cave man cant talk about his feelings, he said he got no one to help him, give him advice on how to cope with me,which is all lies and my mum said she would be on the end of the phone for him, ive shown him all these website with info, i have a care worker he cud talk to but he straight down just wont.ive tried to accept that he cant but it has just made me resent him and hate him, he now prefers to sit at a computer all day and night and wont include me in his life as he says bonds have been broken and they take time to fix, but he just wont get that by not including me in his life i cant change cus im constantly on edge and anxious around him wondering what he is up and who he talking to, who he is seeing outside the house etc etc and i hate being like this and realised on the wkend it was never gonna change and that we both deserve to be happy and because of my illness its not gonna be together. we have hurt each other too much to recover i think, but right now i feel total despair, i love this guy so much and feel like such a failure for ruining his life and putting him through all this crap, the guilt is just to much.

i have lost everyone to stay with him and now find myself so alone and sad and im trying not to go downhill but cud really use some advice on how to get through this.

3 Replies

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  • Hi fierysun,

    Your story sounds all too familiar! Honestly, this happens to so many people, falling in love with the wrong person, regardless of your illness. It sounds like you really need to face that you need to move on from him. He is not the right person for you, and you need to take time to heal so you can eventually open your heart to someone else. It isn't easy, but we are here for support!

    xx

  • Hi fierysun

    first of all, stop blaming yourself for the difficulties in this relationship, it takes 2 to tango! Haven't got any great advice, because never been in your position, but THE people to talk to about relationships - including how to end them, if that's what you eventually want - are Relate. There should be one near you, they are professional counsellor and will support you through whatever emotions/decisions you are dealing with. Go to;-

    relate.org.uk/home/index.html

    Hope this helps, and good luck

    xxx

  • Hi there fierysun. Well i will not go into a great deal of stuff because i guess you have said it all for me too so i will tell you how i managed to sort this situation out. It was hard for me as i was in a very bad way with my panic attacks and he always knew how to get me so wound up, he knew when he ignored me i would get into a state when we argued it would get me panicking, now i cannot argue with anyone as i cannot breathe. Anyway i went to see an hypnotherapist. Well worth the £90 a session, but i am certain that you can get a very similar thing through your GP.

    Anyhow i seen this guy for about 3/4 sessions.

    Then i decided i could not afford it. I worked out exactly how i felt inside and was it worth all this hassle, i wasnt sure so i took on board what the hypno said to me and i decided although i was not well to get out and meet some new friends.

    I joined a site online but this was years ago and i met this chap online which i had spoken to my partner about and told him i was talking to this guy. Even my meeting this guy was not a secret. If he loved me and was going to support me and want to be with me then he would accept i needed to do this for me as well and not just him, no point in being with someone if your whole heart is not there.

    We only chatted and met on one occasion had a coffee, i told him my situation, we just talked and talked.

    I told him why i had to do this and my reason for doing this was to prove to myself if i really loved him or not, or was it just infatuation with him after all this time.

    Well we have been split up since 1995 and i have stayed single since then because i love my own company, i do not get hassled by any man and im always open and honest. I have been on dates but nothing serious, just a chat really. Its been great.

    Panic subsided considerably and only then did i know why i was so bad all the time, You guessed it was my partner.

    Hope some of this helps in what i have said and you find your way of sorting it out. Firstly you need to work out what is most important. I know you love this man but honestly your health and well being are much more important than any man. Good luck. x

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