My problems to me seem to stem to an extent from idealism. If things aren't the best they can be, I feel like my life is being wasted and then I feel agitated, impatient and frustrated, leading to anxiety and depression.
I don't have any problems in my life externally, but also my life isn't EXACTLY how I would visualise my ideal. I realise that it is irrational and unhelpful, but I can't seem to just settle.
For instance, I have a good job and enough money. But it isn't the job of my dreams, I dream about another career and think about it constantly. This makes me unhappy and stops me from working at starting the dream career because it has now become so important in my mind that it is simply too stressful to do anything about it. I can just see problems and failure ahead of me.
Equally, I feel like I am sabotaging my relationship. There's nothing wrong with my relationship, really, but I look for problems.
I'm not sure if I'm explaining this well. It's not a feeling that I deserve more, or anything like that. It's a feel like my life is bland and that because I feel every moment is not being spent in the best possible way it could be spent, precious life is slipping through my fingers having not met it's full potential. At the same time, I don't believe it will ever fulfil it's potential, because I don't believe I will ever be happy.
I can't describe it, really. I'm fortunate to have what I have in life, and I feel guilty for wanting more. My boyfriend tells me I should try to be happy with what I have, particularly as I really don't want for much, but I find it difficult to be happy with what I have because I'm not enjoying it. I don't know whether that's because I'm always aware of how it could be improved (I'm never happy with anything I do) or because I'm finding it difficult to take pleasure in any activity at the moment. But presuming this is misguided idealism, what can I do to change myself?
I've always been like this. My MH problems began with anorexia, because thin was never good enough considering that thinner existed....I hope that makes sense....I don't want to feel like I am settling for anything, but I also thinks its unrealistic and unreasonable to strive for perfection.
I hope I haven't come across the wrong way here, as I know a lot of people see this attitude as stuck up or as a sense of entitlement. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel like I deserve more - I'm always surprised when good things do happen because I often feel I have not worked hard enough to be rewarded (which means I feel guilt rather than pleasure - another problem that means I don't enjoy things!). Equally, it's not that I feel other people are not doing enough, or that life is unfair, I just can't shake the fear that I will become trapped in a way of life I later regret - that I will look back and think I wasted precious years not living in the absolute best way possible.
I hope this makes sense! Has anyone ever experienced this and do you have any advice?