Friendships have enormous benefits for quality of life and health, and although I felt quite comfortable with my current situation - don't really have anyone to spend my birthday with, but I have an excuse - I moved abroad alone, started a new life, my coworkers all have families, so no strong ties there, and all my friendships must come from activities or apps. While apps don't work well for me (I dislike everyone - another issue), I am really too shy and too reserved to talk to most people in live events too. And now we don't have those either.
I felt comfortable with this until I no longer do. I don't have anyone. My 30th birthday is approaching, and I have no one who would care to make it special for me. My flatmate just had her's and people made it so special! And then I compare: she worked in cafes with these people, they are similar in their circumstances at least in one of many ways. It's easy to connect when you're a group of similar people pooled into one place for days and days. I had a job when I felt this way, but my current one... I am the odd one out: single, childless, new, foreigner, shy and reserved. I really like my coworkers, but it would be so weird to ask someone to do something outside of work. Except for one girl, we did hang out outside of work, until she was fired and went MIA. So no one I would rely on at work.
Everyone else is more an acquaintance than a friend. Sure, friendship takes time, but after a while I become nervous, or during meetings 2 hours or so later I become tired, my mind starts going blank and wanders off, I no longer have anything meaningful to say.
I would say I have 2 friends, both live far away and recently there appeared an emotional distance with both of them. I don't feel that I miss them, or that I am excited to hear from them. I don't feel anything for anyone. I don't feel love, and people should love their friends, right? They should feel like a family. However, my family always had really shitty relationships and ways to communicate. It's not warm and comfortable. My mom loves me, but I feel sad, guilty and slightly even overwhelmed by the way she expresses love. It's not a good relationship...
My brother... We don't talk. But even he moved abroad with a friend. So he has someone. I am jealous... Here I am completely alone, as always. And I think part of me is trying to justify everything and not to see how lonely I really am. Not to see how much I want a close friend, someone I would care about, someone I would be happy to see and talk to. But I am never in that place. I don't know how to feel that, how to get there. I feel like my heart turned into stone and I will never really connect with anyone.
I have always been alone in whatever I do, and people commented on it since my childhood - I never knew how to behave around people, never went to the kindergarten to learn social skills, and later I learned how crappy I am at talking, my insecurities grew, self-esteem died. I chose many things in life that I want, but there was no one to walk the path with me. No one to rely on or trust. I think I am independent not because I really am, but just because I have to.
I sometimes think, do I want people in my life? Generally, I don't. It's too stressful and I feel much more comfortable alone. But friends are connections, with friends you can have much more fun, experience new things, learn and grow as a person, you might hear about an amazing job offer or start a project together, or have things to borrow from, or someone to celebrate little things with, someone to have more variety in life with - all these things I truly care about in life. And I am slightly jealous of everyone who has real connections. I barely ever laugh, I barely ever feel happy about anything, I am confined in my ways and time-for-myself. A councellor once mentioned to me, that I want friendships, but on my own terms... I want to enjoy meeting people, I want to enjoy talking to them, I want to enjoy going out, but big part of me doesn't!
I occasionally still meet people (new and acquaintances), and sometimes that's really good. But when it matters, I am all alone again. I think I just got used to it. But how do I get to the other side of this? How do I change my situation? Where do I begin? What should I do? Because what I've done so far left me here. More comfortable with people, but I am still alone.
It's not always, more so with acquaintances, when you're not sure yet why they haven't replied. 
My problems seem to stem from idealism, but how do I change that?
I can't make friends
I want to give up
