I'm feeling pretty low today. I can't seem to push myself out of my negative frame of mind. I went to the doctors this morning as I had an attack last week and decided I'd had enough. I'd been trying to face it on my own but realise I need a bit of guidance. The doctor was the most rude person I've ever spoken to. He talked over me, didn't listen. It was like he was quizzing me against my last visit notes. I wanted to talk about feeling depressed but he wouldn't let me get my words out. He's assigning me to a cardiologist for a 24 hour heart monitor to rule everything else out and when I mentioned I thought it was anxiety he said 'It sounds like it, if we get this done and nothings there you'll be fine because it's reassurance'. I do know this will help but I just want to feel better in my head.
I've come to work today which is the main cause of my anxiety at the moment because I'm finding I'm overworked, not listened to and going through redundancy consultations, to have more heaped on to me. I'm travelling to London tomorrow to 'bond with the team' because everybody is low because of the redundacies, but I don't drink at the minute and I don't enjoy staying out after work, so I'm bitter about this which isn't helping. I'm probably being dramatic but it's really grating on me. I want to go home and be with my family where I can relax, but instead I'm going out bowling (Which I hate) with the person that could make me redundant. Really not the top of my life of 'things to do'.
I then called my partner to moan about my day and he said I have to stop as it's a bad habit and doesn't help me or him and he is stressed too. And I understand. It's almost like I will find something to moan about to him. And when he is so stressed at the minute it's so selfish of me but I feel like I'm trapped and just have to stay in this ball of torment at the minute. He is very understanding and is trying to help me so much.
I can see the problems around me aren't life threatening horrific things, and if I felt better I could get over them, but at the minute I'm just really struggling. I don't want to take time off work because it might damage my position in redundancy, I want a good clean name but I've been off quite a bit with the attacks.
Sorry this is a big long moan. I just needed to get it out of my system.