Hi everyone. Hope everyone is good.
I'm having a bit of a rubbish day today. Not so much anxiety related, but more of a depressive feeling. Just feel completely unenthusiastic and worthless and all I can see is happy, content people around me.
My current situation is I have a great partner, lovely dog, amazing family, but I hate my job and everything external to that. I'm currently going through a redundancy process at work, and whilst I should maybe look on the positive that it may open other doors for me, I have my heart set on opening my own business but rely on the money coming in from my job to set it up. I work in administration and really hate this level of work now, I suppose it's my own fault for not going to University or college to further my education, but before the recession I was working my way up the salary band by just working hard. All of the jobs I have looked at online have a salary drop and I just don't want to do what the roles entail, but I'm reaching a pressure point now where I need to swallow my pride and just do them. Everyone around me however have jobs they enjoy, make more money than I do. One of my old school friends just had a baby yesterday and is so content and proud I'm overwhelmed by it.
I just feel like I'm stuck in this bubble of absolute despair, pressure and I suppose jealousy in a sense. That I watch all of these people around me with huge smiles on their faces and they don't seem to care about anything. And I'm 25 and making the young years of my life a misery.
I have a huge worry issue with money. I won't even treat myself to a £2.50 magazine because I feel bad for spending it. the stupid thing is I actually have money, and sometimes a decent amount, in my bank because I obviously don't touch it. But this has lead to me not buying clothes, and now I see going clothes shopping as a huge stress because I go for so long without buying them I have to spend a fortune.
I just want to feel carefree. I want to be happy with the smaller things in life but I just don't feel I can be at the minute. everything eats at me.
All I see are happy faces around me everywhere talking about their holidays, their clothes, their family. To make matters worse the office have blown up some posters of team fundraising events so I have poster of them looking enthusiastic and hard working and proud starting me in the face making me feel even more bitter.
Sorry this sounds like a very 'woe is me' post, I just wanted to get it off my chest.