Having a down hearted day

[Mandy26]

Hi everyone. Hope everyone is good.

I'm having a bit of a rubbish day today. Not so much anxiety related, but more of a depressive feeling. Just feel completely unenthusiastic and worthless and all I can see is happy, content people around me.

My current situation is I have a great partner, lovely dog, amazing family, but I hate my job and everything external to that. I'm currently going through a redundancy process at work, and whilst I should maybe look on the positive that it may open other doors for me, I have my heart set on opening my own business but rely on the money coming in from my job to set it up. I work in administration and really hate this level of work now, I suppose it's my own fault for not going to University or college to further my education, but before the recession I was working my way up the salary band by just working hard. All of the jobs I have looked at online have a salary drop and I just don't want to do what the roles entail, but I'm reaching a pressure point now where I need to swallow my pride and just do them. Everyone around me however have jobs they enjoy, make more money than I do. One of my old school friends just had a baby yesterday and is so content and proud I'm overwhelmed by it.

I just feel like I'm stuck in this bubble of absolute despair, pressure and I suppose jealousy in a sense. That I watch all of these people around me with huge smiles on their faces and they don't seem to care about anything. And I'm 25 and making the young years of my life a misery.

I have a huge worry issue with money. I won't even treat myself to a £2.50 magazine because I feel bad for spending it. the stupid thing is I actually have money, and sometimes a decent amount, in my bank because I obviously don't touch it. But this has lead to me not buying clothes, and now I see going clothes shopping as a huge stress because I go for so long without buying them I have to spend a fortune.

I just want to feel carefree. I want to be happy with the smaller things in life but I just don't feel I can be at the minute. everything eats at me.

All I see are happy faces around me everywhere talking about their holidays, their clothes, their family. To make matters worse the office have blown up some posters of team fundraising events so I have poster of them looking enthusiastic and hard working and proud starting me in the face making me feel even more bitter.

Sorry this sounds like a very 'woe is me' post, I just wanted to get it off my chest.

x

[Scooby1234]

Hiya Mandy, sorry to hear you're having a crappy day!! If you're anything like me the weather effects my mood alot, so today I'm feeling little blurr too, lack of sunshine makes me feel unenthusiastic! X don't feel bad that you didn't go uni, it's not a bad things sounds like you're doing great saving for your business and to have the inspiration to wanna open your own business is admirable! You should treat yourself from time to time, at the end of the day that's what we go to work for, bills have to be paid but what's the harm in buying yourself something nice?! Did you have a nice weekend? X

[Mandy26]

Hi. Thank you for replying. I find writing blogs on here sometimes helps but I don't half ramble!

I think with work and money I'm very impatient. I think I'm just worrying that if I don't get kept on at work I'm going to have to apply for yet enother job that I don't want to do coupled with the fact that there'll be loads of people fighting for the same job. Everything just feels like a fight at the minute.

You are right about treating myself. I just can't get myself out of the bad habit of viewing spending money as a bad thing. Even when money comes out for the bills etc I'm bitter about it but that's just living!

I did have a nice weekend thank you. We just spent it visiting the parents. they always go by so quickly though. How was your weekend and how are you feeling today?

x

[Scooby1234 in reply to Mandy26]

No worries, I'm exactly the same, I find writing on here is a way of releasing your emotions in a way, getting the feelings out, it's gotta help! X I can appreciate the uncertainty with work, I have had to reapply for my job twice in the last two years cos of job cuts and changes, it's not nice not knowing! If you have to get a new job you never know you might enjoy much more than this one and your own business propositions could be closer than you know?! X glad you had a good weekend, mine was lovely too! Spent it jus me, my little girl and my partner! Not having such a good day today, my other half is away all week now so feeling nervous about that! Didn't have a good morning had a panic attack this morning x

[Mandy26 in reply to Scooby1234]

Work worries are horrible aren't they Everything you've typed above makes sense I've just got to embed it into my head over the day I think and stop envying others and focus on the positives I have.

Glad you had a nice weekend. Ah no Sorry to hear you had an attack this morning. What is it that worries you when he goes away or is it that state of anxiety that just hits you and you don't know why? Is it because you know you have these attacks and he won't be here? Could you maybe invite some friends over through the week for a meal or something to keep your mind off your partner being away.

x

[paula50]

I am so having adown down day depressed and crying sobbing panics all bad thoughts ,i have noone here to help me how much longer will this last it just taking over my life today i have no famliy here near me seems they don't care anyway what will happen to me im scared ..

[Scooby1234 in reply to paula50]

Hi Paula, sorry to hear you're having an awful day! Do you know what's caused it particularly today? I find talking on here really helps, if we can help then we will?! X it's tough when family and friends don't understand but it's such a complex thing to understand! Have you tried mindful breathing? I find this helps! Also there is a book that was recommended to me call at last a life, would definitely recommend getting it?! X

[Mandy26]

Hi Paula, Really sorry to hear you're having such a bad day. I feel the same today. It doesn't matter that I am trying to think positive, I just keep feeling negative. Although you don't have anybody physically around you, people on here are definitely here and always will be.

I think what I am going to try and do today is write down everything negative that is bothering me. I feel like I need to get it out of my system. Maybe this would help you also?

Please don't be scared. The fact that you are on here and typing how you feel is great. Concentrate on deep, smoothe breathing to reduce the feelings of panic. It's just your body going into a sense of alarm because of the negative images you are putting forward subconciously through panic, but there's no need for the alarm. Maybe make yourself a cup of tea.

Do you feel ike this for any particular reason?

x

[paula50]

hi Mandy each morning is bad for me i used to love the mornings now i hate them as i feel shaky panics down most mornings some days i just stay in bed that happend 3 times last week its not good but its helps pass the day away , i do feel lonely and can't go out much now i am stuck in my flat each day allday dont see anyone to talk to not lived here long i moved away from my family due to a ex husband .. now i know i should have not moved away and just stayed in m,y flat where i was happy .i just spoke to my daughter she told me to came and stay with her but i can't travel due to panic , i am planning on moving back to my old town when i am well and can get a flat there but i must try and cope more here first i dont have any anti depressants i am going the doctors later on maybe she will give me something to help me stay clam while i am in a car to go and stay with my daughter icant do this alone anymore ..paula

[Mandy26]

Hi Paula. I hope the doctors can help. I've noticed a lot of people on here talking about certain meds they're prescribed that do help.

I know the feeling of staying in bed. When I furst suffered attacks I couldn't get out of bed for over a week, I never left the house. Eventually I actually started to become agitated at myself because I just knew it wasn't me and I forced myself to get out. It was horrible walking around with this panicking feeling inside and constantly shaking but I carried on doing what I was doing.

My biggest step was walking my dog on my own in an area that's very quiet with nobody around. I was constantly thinking something was going to happen and nobody would find me, but I breathed through and and before I knew it I was home and I'd managed to play with the dog a little and I think that was my first step to feeling better. Walking through it was horrible, I felt like my heart was under so much strain but I knew I'd come out of the other side of the attacks every time. And my mam always told me 'nobody ever died from a panic attack'. It sounds so hard but pushing yourself through them to go about small chores really helps as your brain starts to counter act the panic signals.

I hope you feel better today.

x

[Hidden]

Mandy - when I read your post all I see is someone who is giving themselves a really hard time...there is nothing wrong with being despondent about life and where it's going...try to be kind to yourself, know that you are on the right track, but sometimes you veer off it a bit, but you sound like a person who knows what they want, so don't be too hard on yourself...x

[Mandy26]

Hi Bluegirl, thank you for your reply. I think maybe you are right. I do give myself a hard time because I feel like I control what happens to me and I'm not doing much about anything at the moment but feeling sorry for myself and bitter at things.

Thank you. I think I just need to learn how to start doing rather than just thinking.

xx