I'm not sure if this is the right place to post, as I am brand new. I created this account because basically, I need some major advice about my stress/anxiety/insecurity.
I've always been quite insecure, however very outwardly confident and easy going.
About 4 years ago my ex boyfriend (whom I was deeply infatuated with) cheated on me, and repeatedly lied still telling me he loved me. Since then my dad's left the country and got a new family after years of emotional and borderline physical abuse and having an affair, my mum has fallen deeper into her alcoholism, my best friend has committed suicide, I've been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, we've gone bankrupt and I've hit rock bottom (I'm nearly 22 and female).
I am so paranoid and anxious about my current boyfriend (of almost 3 years) potentially cheating on me I find it hard to be happy, ever. There's barely a moment when I'm not obsessed with the idea and I don't know what to do because he is amazing and I don't want to push him away, I just can't seem to trust him or anyone else not to hurt me.
I don't think I'm worth anything. In many respects I kind of just want him to cheat on me too, because that's what I think I deserve. My health is starting to suffer because of my stress; I've lost 2 stone in a year, I barely sleep, and I barely have the emotional strength to see my friends anymore (particularly upsetting as I am an extrovert through and through and used to thrive on being around my friends). I just have no self confidence. I loathe myself. Everyone tells me I'm beautiful, but I usually spend at least an hour doing my makeup in the morning (not getting ready- just doing my makeup) and most of the time I still cry it off because I feel so ugly and unsatisfying. I have panic attacks and I have the worst abandonment fears. I'm finding it really hard to cope with my stress and anxiety and complete basic tasks- I feel like I'm drowning and I honestly have no idea what to do, and no one to talk to about it. I don't want to be a weak person and I feel like I'm becoming bitter because I don't know what I've done to deserve the pain I feel like I'm going through constantly.
I can't get a job because I can't handle it so I have no money. The atmosphere in my house is horrible. I'm worried about my mum and I'm worried I might fail uni if I can't pull myself out of this rut. Literally the only thing which makes me feel worthwhile is my boyfriend but I'm trying so hard not to push him away and distrust him but it's so hard.
Just, does anyone have any tips? I really want to be able to make it and help myself and help keep my relationship going and feel happy and in control! I just want things to feel OK. Has anyone got any advice? (My boyfriend knows all of this btw and he is very supportive but he doesn't exactly understand and has his own problems to deal with too, he does talk to me about it all but there's only so much I can expect of him).
Thanks in advance, I really appreciate anyone reading this.