Does anyone else out there suffer from limerence?

[Fallin77]

I have had this problem since I was in my 20's ( I am now in my 40's). Unfortunately, This has happened to me 3 times and with every experience, it takes me about 5 years to get over that person. I usually become infatuated with a guy with whom I have had very minimal contact, not even a date. I have lost so much time with this but whenever life is too much for me to take I have to escape to my dream world where I'm deeply in love with a guy that doesn't even know I exist. I see the reality, I know this is a problem but it is so hard for me to stop doing it. I want to heal from this and find out if anyone else has this problem. It makes me wonder if I will ever be able to have a normal relationship. I am very scared to meet anyone because I know what will happen so I prefer to stay away from everyone. Thanks for reading.

[STEM_Dad]

I haven't experienced limerence. The closest I've come to it is infatuation, which according to Dr. Joe Beam, there are three phases of limerence, and the first phase is infatuation.

I have seen limerence up close, all this last year. I had been married for 20 years, my wife became limerent for another man, he reciprocated, and she decided to divorce me. She does not understand limerence, she thinks that she's experiencing true love, but for months I've been witness to the ecstasy-agony cycle that Dr. Beam describes of people in limerence.

Now, of course, knowing of her affair triggered my worst anxiety and depression I've ever dealt with in my life. It was very intense. I went through the stages of grief, and I also experienced trauma bonding for my wife.

[STEM_Dad]

I've found a case study (self-reported but someone who has repeatedly been in limerence, the hero-worship sort, rather than romantic). The individual used cognitive behavioral therapy methods to reduce the limerence over a period of several months. You may find the case study informative.

journals.sagepub.com/doi/10...

[Fallin77 in reply to STEM_Dad]

Thank you so much! I appreciate the response and I will look into anything that might help me. I am very sorry to hear your story. It sounds like you had a horrible experience. How is your anxiety and depression now?

[STEM_Dad in reply to Fallin77]

The depression and anxiety are much better, but not gone.

Between the end to months of uncertainty by her filing for divorce, gaining a ton of meaningful knowledge and wisdom, having a good mental health counselor (for once), and (I believe) an answer to my prayers to God to help me through all these difficulties... I'm doing much, much better.

Thank you for asking.

I don't know what it's like to be in limerence. I have a lot of empathy for people, and that goes especially for my ex-wife because I know her so well and love her so deeply, and I've learned a lot from what's been reported by people who have studied &/or have experienced it. It sounds both amazing and terrible at the same time.

A few times in my life, I've experienced infatuation for people, including for the woman I was married to, but my infatuation never progressed into limerence. (I may have come just to the brink of the crystalization phase of limerence, without crossing into it. I'm not sure.)

I can imagine what it must be like to be in limerence, I have been witness to the effects of limerence, but I don't have that first hand experience that you have. (Which is probably for the best.)

[Hidden]

Hello. This is really interesting. I think I’ve experienced this kind of thing too, I honestly have never heard of it being called limerence, I just thought I was being rather delusional and just thinking some strange thoughts because I didn’t want to deal with reality. When I was younger, in my 20s, sometimes I would read romance novels just as an escape. A lot of them are rather predictable and I knew it’s really some kind of fantasy, but I liked getting swept up in them just because I wished I could meet a guy at least somewhat like these heroes in historical romance novels. I think going through your 40s is a rough time for a woman to go through, and probably in some ways it is for men too. It’s definitely mid life crisis time. I really never obsessed that much over my age before, but I remember when I turned 40, I just felt like, I do NOT want to celebrate this!!!! In my early 40s, one by one all my grandparents died along with some other relatives I was close to . I was in a long term monogamous relationship but I was getting very frustrated with him and some other issues we had . And I know how it can seem like if you haven’t made a success out of yourself in your 20s and 30s, how when you hit 40 you can really feel like you’re just a failure and maybe you will never get anywhere . When I was 40 I met someone totally out of the blue who was a very interesting person, not to mention handsome. I won’t go into anymore detail, but I would say I most likely experienced what you call this limerence thing with him . I happen to be 51 now and back to pretty much being single again. It’s rough in some ways, however I happen to think that there’s a lot of people out there that are in some very unhappy marriages too . Some people are basically sticking it out because they have children together or they don’t want to mess themselves up financially, but are they really that happy with their lives? I’m sure some of them aren’t even though they may never say so. Anyhow, whatever this limerence phenomenon is supposed to be, I bet it’s actually more common than some people realize .

[Fallin77 in reply to Hidden]

Hi! Thank you so much Googoodollsfan for sharing your experience. Yes, we do share some of the same behavioral patterns. It is very difficult to talk to people about this because I have gotten the impression that they have never gone through something like this and it's kind of embarrassing. I read this has something to do with your emotional needs not being met as a child. I had both my parents around when I was growing up so I try to figure out why this happened to me. I did go through cognitive behavioral therapy but basically the doctor had me stare at a picture of the guy I was infactuated with at that time and ask me how I felt when I looked at him. It didn't change anything. I have anxiety, depression and panic attacks but thankfully I haven't been close to anyone in the past 4 years that could prevoke these feelings that I used to get so about as content as I can be. When you are in the limerance period you are suffering all the time with so many different emotions. It's comforting to know that I am not the only one who has odd feelings from time to time. Thank you once again and I wish you all the best!

[STEM_Dad]

Fallin77 you said, "I read this has something to do with your emotional needs not being met as a child. I had both my parents around when I was growing up so I try to figure out why this happened to me."

I think that unmet childhood emotional needs might make someone more susceptible to limerence, but based on the fact that we all have the same basic neurology...I think it could happen to anyone. I believe there is research that proves that ACEs (adverse childhood experiences) are a risk factor for a large number of physiological, neurological, and behavioral issues.

My ex does fit that profile, though (of being neglected and abused as a child). The same makes her more at risk of having borderline personality disorder (BPD), and she does have characteristics of that, but she hasn't been diagnosed with it. (And perhaps BPD is a risk factor for limerence, too. I'm not sure if there is any research on that.)

AN ALTERNATE PERSPECTIVE

Think of it this way:

* Limerence is a form of attraction,

* Attraction exists to draw couples together,

* Couples that stay together are likely to raise children together,

* Thus continuing the existence of human race.

It's just that the intensity is beyond what most people experience. (I've read that limerence affects about 5% of Americans. Based on how much we under-report our most private struggles, I wouldn't be surprised if the actual number is over 10%.)

If the negative emotions and outcomes of limerence could be reduced, if the main experience was the positive emotions experienced (and those were reciprocated by the Limerent Object), people would be yearning to get to experience being "madly in love."

I have to admit, both as a romantic at heart and scientifically questioning of mind, I'm curious what it would be like to be in limerence. Not that I want that. All I really want wholeheartedly is my wife back.

(Alas, her limerence needs to run it's course. I realize that there's nothing I could do to get her to return to me until it does. And a woman's heart can be a fickle thing...there is no guarantee that she would want to return once the limerence fades, though that is my hope. I'm not being idle; I'm continuing to work on myself. I'm not perfect by any measure, and I know many areas that I can improve in. It might make me more attractive to her than I was before, but I'm working on myself for my own sake, to be a better man, hopefully a better father, and I'm praying that one day I'll get to prove myself a better husband, too.)

[Fallin77 in reply to STEM_Dad]

HI Stem_Dad,

I'm sorry, somehow I missed your reply. I hope you are doing okay and things have gotten better for you. Thank you for the time you took to answer me. Take

[STEM_Dad in reply to Fallin77]

Well, I'm getting along alright, but I've had to get used to a lot of changes.

We've now been divorced over a year (but we get along alright). She moved across the country, to move in with the OM. I moved nearby, to make co-parenting our younger two kids easier. (Changing custody every free days is a much better option than every few months.)

I still get sad sometimes, the hurt is still there (but it's faded a lot). I practice acceptance of what is.

I've been getting the therapy that I need. But instead of staying stuck in the past, I'm working on growing from it.

On the plus side, I've gotten a good job (though it took a few months of applying and interviewing, and a couple of months working as a cashier to stay afloat).

I'm just taking life one day at a time.

----

My now ex-wife and her new man may still be in limerence, but I'll wager that it's already fading or gone (as the research says it always does). I'm not in their house daily to see.